When the Moon is in the seventh house and Jupiter aligns with Mars, it will have no effect on you at all.

See the Kil Report

A molecule of medicine, taken with sufficient amounts of mineral water, will quench your thirst.

Before she died, one of the Fox sisters, who was the first to conduct seances, admitted that it was all a hoax.

Seems to work best if you’re dead. Live Egyptians didn’t live in pyramids.

The only way to fly…

See me feel me touch me heal me…

Like spiritualism except the spirits are strangers from other worlds, times or dimensions and have German accents.

Can be found in the Bible.

Last guys who claimed to have found a way crashed and burned.

Test after test has shown that this is a good way to find out what the facilitator would communcate if the facilitator was the handicapped person being facilitated. Let me start again… Test after test has shown that this method of communicating is subconscious wishful thinking on the part of the facilitator.   Whew!

Fortune telling done with cards. Usually for money. Always horseshit.

A few words about creation science.

The most famous spoon bender around is Uri Geller. He was caught on film bending a spoon against himself behind his back. There is a lot of good Geller stuff over at Randi’s web site.

The CIA (directed by Congress) actually tested this. The results were that they wasted a lot of your money.

Paint.

Listening to a Black Sabbath record played forward.

If you’re overweight, don’t fall asleep in a chair while smoking a pipe!

More fortune telling…

We need to send missionaries

Uri Geller does this, too.

“You moved it!”

No link has been found.

Ever notice how many people who make this claim were someone famous in their last incarnation?

More UFO stuff. The guys who started doing these first admitted that it was a hoax and yet it won’t go away.

Why are the pictures always fuzzy?

According to L. Ron Hubbard, mental disorders aren’t your fault. Blame them on pre-existing souls from outer space! Millions of years ago, Xenu, a psychotic alien, gathered them up and dropped ’em inside volcanoes. Not content, Xenu tossed hydrogen bombs into those same volcanoes, blew them up, and we’re still suffering those traumatic memories. But an auditor will “clear” those memories with your life savings. You think that’s weird? Scientology is tax-exempt! Now, that is weird!

Leaky roofs and hoaxes.

All the evidence is anecdotal.

Claims to be “psychotherapy at a quantum level.” Quacks love to insert the word “quantum” into their gibberish. It sounds profound, yet foggy — like philosophy. &ldquot;Thought Field Therapy” is only acupuncture with a new spin — you abolish mental disorders by “stimulating the meridian points used in Oriental cultures.” But if you combine acupuncture with Freudian therapy, won’t you become Pinhead from the movie Hellraiser?

A good place to get away from it all.

See, they work in radios, so it must be true.

I… I… I can walk!!!

More frigging fortune telling.

A must for seances.

A magician’s trick.

You usually have to go to the Philippines to be fleeced by a psychic surgeon. The danger is that if you have something life-threatening you may die because you didn’t go to a real doctor.

Bring a soup spoon.

Oxygen deprivation. After riding a centrifuge people have reported having the same kinds of hallucinations.

Mind reading. Many have tested this. No positive evidence has come from careful, controlled testing.

Why use cards or palms when you can use a crystal ball?

The patent office now requires a working model

The Psychic Friends Network files for bankruptcy, and the company’s 2,000 salaried psychics never saw it coming!

Some, but certainly not all, therapists, chiropractors, and psychologists claim that “body memories” are “memories” stored within the cells of the body. Therefore, if I were to punch you in the arm, you would, besides getting an obnoxious bruise, retain the “memory” of the bruise within the cells in your arm. That not only violates biology and anatomy, but it also tempts me to crack a joke about masturbation. But, I’ll refrain.

“Attracts” those who are gullible, or built like the Marvel Comics hero Ironman.

Gotta cut down on the coffee… damn these shaky hands.

A “psychic” who diagnoses medical problems from adverse energy fields. This works best with people not suffering from a terminal illness and are in fair health… or are psychosomatics. If you are questioned and must be specific, either name an internal organ as the root of the problem and/or mutter briskly and incoherently, yet always look confident. If you play your cards right, you could appear on the Oprah show! Note: having a credulous parapsychologist in tow to verify your claims always helps as well, to add profundity.

For those of you who think you have plenty of gray matter to spare, you don’t. I hope this information didn’t come too late for you…

Your problems stem from your trauma at birth. Lie down, breath in quickly after every exhale until you feel a tingle of energy in your limbs and a lightness in your body. In other words, until you hyperventilate. Go back and relive your birth. Feel better? $100 please, and you’ll need ten more sessions. (D. Finn)

We’re not saying who did it. Nudge nudge, wink wink.

If they fit on the fridge, how hard would it be to put them in shoes? And the markup is terrific!

Call me paranoid. Call me delusional. But all you have are the facts. I’m not stupid enough to fall for that!

Why are you always trying to make Hitler look bad?

Don’t tell me [fill in the blank] isn’t science. Not when there is a word like “quantum” in it. Now excuse me while I alter my reality.

If you don’t remodel you will never be happy. Sign here.

Big brother dressed up like the Religious Right.

As utopian as communism. And we saw how that worked out.

Ouch! That hurts!

I’m getting an M or a J. Anyone? Or a P or a C, anyone? Am I getting warmer? Did anyone you ever knew breathe before he or she died? Anyone?

I’m getting an M or a J. Please? Or a P or a C, please? Am I getting warmer? Did anyone you ever knew breathe before he or she died? Please?

Emphasizes the body’s innate ability to heal and maintain itself. But if that doesn’t work, unproven remedies are just swell.

No better than any thick skillet at thawing. The only miracle is that they got you to buy one.

You were specifically chosen to receive this bulk email because we know you’re foolish… I mean honest enough to part with your own money in order to make an easy million or more.

But wait, there’s more! We now have your credit card number.

Forget evidence-based meds and ingest cyanide instead. It’s much faster.

A rubber ducky in your wash will be just as effective at cleaning your clothes.

Could fix or create a pain in the neck. Good luck.

Study after study has confirmed, well, nothing really. You get the point.

Love her or hate her… Naaa, just go ahead and hate her.