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Valiant Dancer
Forum Goalie
USA
4826 Posts |
 Posted - 10/21/2002 : 09:57:09
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In a surprising development, the well-known Televangelist Pat Robertson has apparently been transmogrified into a large garden amphibian.
Speaking on his nation-wide Inspirational TV show, Mr.Robertson drifted into a blistering attack on pagans in general, and Wiccans in particular.
"Yes, friends, our beloved nation is under attack at this very moment. These followers of the so-called religion of Wicca are infiltrating our communities, schools and government. This great country was built on Christian values, and this pagan mumbo-jumbo has no part to play in it. They say that they worship the Earth! And just WHO lives at the fiery core of the Earth? Satan himself! They call themselves witches. But what did Jesus have to say about that? Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live!"
He went on - "These witches, these unholy pagans, are nothing more than devil-worshippers trying to gain some credibility for their evil superstitions. We have a group of good Christian ministers ready to pray to Christ Jesus right now to help turn turn these lost souls away from the path of evil. For every fifty dollars you send in, we can help salvage the damaged spirit of one Wiccan for Jesus! I beg you, please help us. There could be a Wiccan in your own town! This is the safest way to deal with the pagan abomination."
When a Michigan Wiccan coven heard this, it was more than they could take.
A spokesperson told us:
"While it is true that many Wiccans identify themselves as "witches", it is a far cry from the pointy-hatted, warty-nosed Halloween stereotype that most people think of. Yes, we do cast spells from time to time, but we engage in white magic, which is purely beneficial. I don't know where Robertson gets these insane ideas from. Didn't he once call Hinduism idol-worship? The man has no idea, and so we thought it time to teach him a lesson, especially when he started attacking our deeply-held beliefs in order to get people to phone in with donations."
As Robertson appeared to believe in the stereotype witch, the group decided to cast a stereotype-witch spell on him. To wit, they transmogrified him into a large frog during the middle of his live broadcast. Robertson was busily talking about the evils of low-fat yoghurt drinks, when he suddenly went rigid, vanished in a cloud of smoke, and reappeared as a green, slimy, pond-creature. His hair shrivelled up; his eyes inflated; his skin went from pale, slimy pink to pale, slimy green; and he appeared to start speaking in tongues - "Ribbit. Ribbit? Boilk! Ribbit! Croooaaak?". Pausing briefly to snap a large bluebottle from the air with his elasticated sticky tongue, he continued, "Ribbit! Croak Brarp Ribbit!" Half of the audience ran screaming from the auditorium, but the other half seemed to not notice the alteration (later, it was claimed that they were too full of the Holy Spirit to notice the bizarre goings on).
"It's only temporary. It should wear off in a day or two. Well, probably - the Goddess has a mischievous sense of humour.", said the Wiccans.
Cthulu/Asmodeus, when you're tired of voting for the lesser of two evils.
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