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Julie_Bris
New Member
Australia
24 Posts |
 Posted - 12/22/2003 : 21:14:04 [Permalink]
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A blonde travelling economy class on a flight from Los Angeles to San Frencisco decides to go and sit in first class. A flight attendant informs her that she must move back to economy class and the blonde replies “I'm blonde, I'm beautiful so I can sit here”. Then the head flight attendant tells her that she must move back to economy class and once again the blonde replies “I'm blonde, I'm beautiful so I can sit here”.
Finally the captain of the aircraft approaches the blonde; he leans over and whispers something to her. Next thing you see is the blonde relocating back to economy class.
The flight attendants amazed, asked the captain what he said to her to make her move back to economy class, he replied “I told her that this part of the aircraft does not stop in San Francisco”. 
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My loathings are simple: stupidity, oppression, crime, cruelty, racism and arrogance. |
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Mr. Spock
Skeptic Friend
USA
99 Posts |
Posted - 01/11/2004 : 00:44:27 [Permalink]
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I've been lost at sea for a while. Hope everyone is OK. Hope no one has told this one already!
Adam is wandering about in the garden of Eden when God approaches him and says "Adam, I think you need a companion." Adam says, hot damn, you bet! What's the catch? God tells him "well, it'll cost an arm and a leg." Adam replies, "what can I get for a rib?" |
"The amount of noise which anyone can bear stands in inverse proportion to his mental capacity." --Schopenhauer |
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Mr. Spock
Skeptic Friend
USA
99 Posts |
Posted - 02/09/2004 : 16:48:21 [Permalink]
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OK, if you aren't jazzed by that one, how's this:
What does Wal-Mart and Michael Jackson have in common?
They both have boy's pants 1/2 off. |
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Renae
SFN Regular
543 Posts |
Posted - 02/09/2004 : 18:21:04 [Permalink]
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An egg and two strips of bacon walk into a bar. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve breakfast here."
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What's green and flies over Germany?
Snotsees.
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Yes, my sense of humor stopped maturing at age 8. 
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Dave W.
Info Junkie
USA
26022 Posts |
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Huluhae
New Member
16 Posts |
Posted - 02/28/2004 : 17:02:47 [Permalink]
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There was this door to door salesman trying his best to make a sale. He walks up to a house, knocks on the door. A little boy opens it and the salesman says "Little boy, is your mama home?" Little boy replies, "Yes sir, she's out in the backyard having sex with a goat." Salesman says, "Little boy, are you lying to me?" Boy says,
"No sir, mom's always in the back yard having sex with a goat." Salesman asks, "And this doesn't bother you?"
"Na-a-a-a-a-ah"
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Randy
SFN Regular
USA
1990 Posts |
Posted - 03/11/2004 : 15:06:05 [Permalink]
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These came from the former Superintendent of the Albany City School District, who shared the following examples of metaphors used by some recent high schoolers in his district (yes, these are actual excerpts from essays).
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1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and The Simpsons comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at
6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
16. John and Melinda had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.
18. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for awhile.
22. "Oh, Jason, take me!", she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on dollar beer night.
23. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
24. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
25. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
26. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
27. She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword puzzle.
28. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.
29. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
30. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
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"We are all connected; to each other biologically, to the earth chemically, to the rest of the universe atomically."
"So you're made of detritus [from exploded stars]. Get over it. Or better yet, celebrate it. After all, what nobler thought can one cherish than that the universe lives within us all?"
-Neil DeGrasse Tyson |
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Dr. Mabuse
Septic Fiend
Sweden
9688 Posts |
Posted - 03/11/2004 : 17:06:13 [Permalink]
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quote:
Originally posted by Randy
These came from the former Superintendent of the Albany City School District, who shared the following examples of metaphors used by some recent high schoolers in his district (yes, these are actual excerpts from essays).
quote:
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
This one has a Terry-Pratcheteque feeling to it...
quote:
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
Graphic, but yet compellingly descriptive. |
Dr. Mabuse - "When the going gets tough, the tough get Duct-tape..."
Dr. Mabuse whisper.mp3
"Equivocation is not just a job, for a creationist it's a way of life..." Dr. Mabuse
Support American Troops in Iraq:
Send them unarmed civilians for target practice..
Collateralmurder. |
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Dave W.
Info Junkie
USA
26022 Posts |
Posted - 03/11/2004 : 17:25:04 [Permalink]
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Randy wrote:quote:
These came from the former Superintendent of the Albany City School District, who shared the following examples of metaphors used by some recent high schoolers in his district (yes, these are actual excerpts from essays).
Well, given that this is the Skeptic Friends Network (even in the Humor Folder), I find it my duty to inform the readers here that, as it says on this page:quote:
Many of these originated in Douglas Grant's Style Invitational from the Washington Post, July 23, 1995 - since sent around the Internet many times!
The contest was for the best bad analogy one might find in a High School paper.
Not only that, but all 30 are similies. There's not a metaphor amongst 'em. |
- Dave W. (Private Msg, EMail)
Evidently, I rock!
Why not question something for a change?
Visit Dave's Psoriasis Info, too. |
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Randy
SFN Regular
USA
1990 Posts |
Posted - 03/11/2004 : 19:02:42 [Permalink]
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Looks like the cat fell off the fence with that so-called metaphor list.
Well...just seeing if you guys are on your toes. 
Nice catch, Dave. Surprising what else the dog coughed up on the internet...
http://www.mistupid.com/people/page027.htm |
"We are all connected; to each other biologically, to the earth chemically, to the rest of the universe atomically."
"So you're made of detritus [from exploded stars]. Get over it. Or better yet, celebrate it. After all, what nobler thought can one cherish than that the universe lives within us all?"
-Neil DeGrasse Tyson |
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Dave W.
Info Junkie
USA
26022 Posts |
Posted - 03/11/2004 : 20:00:33 [Permalink]
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Yeah, I used to read the Style Invitational religiously. As soon as I said to myself, "hey, these lines sounds like things adults would write when purposefully trying to badly imitate kids," I had to Google up a key phrase or two. Long before I got to the bottom of the page I linked to, I was already sure of the source, as "Chuck Smith" and "Joseph Romm" had entries printed almost every week.
Ah, here are the last 100 Style Invitationals, for your reading pleasure. And, as we can see, Chuck Smith is still at it:quote:
The lead news story of Feb. 29, 2032:
...
Tree Museum Opens; People Pay a Dollar and a Half Just to See Them (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
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- Dave W. (Private Msg, EMail)
Evidently, I rock!
Why not question something for a change?
Visit Dave's Psoriasis Info, too. |
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Randy
SFN Regular
USA
1990 Posts |
Posted - 03/11/2004 : 20:33:14 [Permalink]
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Brings to mind this wonderful site. Hadn't thought of it for a couple of years. Got a lot reading up to do!
http://www.bulwer-lytton.com/ |
"We are all connected; to each other biologically, to the earth chemically, to the rest of the universe atomically."
"So you're made of detritus [from exploded stars]. Get over it. Or better yet, celebrate it. After all, what nobler thought can one cherish than that the universe lives within us all?"
-Neil DeGrasse Tyson |
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tomk80
SFN Regular
Netherlands
1278 Posts |
Posted - 04/09/2004 : 10:07:47 [Permalink]
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I don't know whether you already saw this link, but I think it's hilarious (and appropriate it this time of year).
Let's put peeps under intensive scientific investigation!
http://www.peepresearch.org/index.html |
Tom
`Contrariwise,' continued Tweedledee, `if it was so, it might be; and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic.'
-Through the Looking Glass by Lewis Caroll- |
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Valiant Dancer
Forum Goalie
USA
4826 Posts |
Posted - 04/26/2004 : 08:23:35 [Permalink]
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28 years ago, John Smith, a Tennessee mountian man, joined the US Army.
On the morning of the first day of Basic training, he was issued a tooth brush. Later that afternoon, an Army dentist pulled several of his teeth.
The next morning, he was issued a comb. Later that afternoon, an Army barber shaved his head.
The next morning, he was issued a jock strap.
The Army is still looking for John Smith. |
Cthulhu/Asmodeus when you're tired of voting for the lesser of two evils
Brother Cutlass of Reasoned Discussion |
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Dave W.
Info Junkie
USA
26022 Posts |
Posted - 05/27/2004 : 20:40:28 [Permalink]
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So, the CIA decides to start a new program, for developing agents who will be unrelenting towards the completion of their missions. A "never say die" attitude, coupled with a lack of fear (and a slight amount of blood-lust). Following the popular movie, they decide to call these new agents Terminators.
Beginning with hundreds of candidates, the CIA runs them through all sorts of tests, training and live-fire scenarios. After just a few months, most of the field has washed out, leaving just two men and one woman.
They bring one of the men into an office. The program director tells him, "your wife is in the next room. Here is a handgun, go inside and kill her." The man walks into the room and closes the door.
15 minutes later, the man comes out. His face is puffy, his eyes are red. He puts the gun down on the desk, and says, "she's the mother of my children. I just couldn't do it. I guess I'm not Terminator material."
They usher him out, and bring in the next man. The director again tells him, "your wife is in the next room. Take this gun and go kill her." The man walks into the room and closes the door.
20 minutes later, he comes out, tears still falling down his face. "I love her. I failed."
So, they usher him out, and bring in the woman. The director tells her, "your husband is in the next room. Take this handgun and kill him." She walks into the room, and closes the door.
Seconds later, the director hears three shots ring out. There's a pause, some cursing, and then he hears low thumping and the crashing of furniture and glass.
Thirty seconds later, the woman walks out. She says to the program director, "some idiot put blanks in the gun. I had to beat him to death." |
- Dave W. (Private Msg, EMail)
Evidently, I rock!
Why not question something for a change?
Visit Dave's Psoriasis Info, too. |
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