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Dave W.
Info Junkie
USA
26022 Posts |
 Posted - 12/03/2005 : 22:03:30
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What's the best off-the-cuff joke or smart-ass remark you've come up with? Post 'em here.
For an example, my wife and I were discussing our vacation plans the other night, and talking about the fiscal horrors we would experience if our four-year-old raided a hotel's mini-fridge of its $8 soft drinks. My wife said (to me) something to the effect of, "of course, I know that when you go on your business trips, you're drinking the $8 hotel beers." Without even thinking about it, I replied, "yeah, but I can afford 'em, 'cause I go with the $5 hookers."
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- Dave W. (Private Msg, EMail)
Evidently, I rock!
Why not question something for a change?
Visit Dave's Psoriasis Info, too. |
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Ricky
SFN Die Hard
USA
4907 Posts |
Posted - 12/03/2005 : 23:06:53 [Permalink]
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I was sitting in a computer science class. The professor was telling us how to construct a PRQuad Tree (stores points by the location in a grid). Now one of the things that is special about the PRQuad Tree is that it can quickly find how many points are within a certain distance to a point (a circle).
In order to do this, you need to find whether or not a circle intersects with a box. And in order to do that, the professor said, "You need to use this line. But it's not the size of the line that matters."
Without thinking, I responded, "No, it's how you use it." I really didn't expect my class mates to laugh that hard, and after the professor got control of himself, he said, "You know, that's exactly right."
Oh, and Dave, great idea for a topic. |
Why continue? Because we must. Because we have the call. Because it is nobler to fight for rationality without winning than to give up in the face of continued defeats. Because whatever true progress humanity makes is through the rationality of the occasional individual and because any one individual we may win for the cause may do more for humanity than a hundred thousand who hug their superstitions to their breast.
- Isaac Asimov |
| Edited by - Ricky on 12/03/2005 23:10:19 |
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Dave W.
Info Junkie
USA
26022 Posts |
Posted - 12/03/2005 : 23:32:34 [Permalink]
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Thanks, Ricky.
I just remembered another story. I used to know a guy, Rick, who was big into woo-woo psychic stuff, and considered himself something of a psychic warrior, defending people from curses and "negative energy" and the like. My old roommate Fred (who was also into the woo-woo, as was I to a lesser degree) knew Rick better than I did. We typically saw Rick only a few times a year, at science-fiction conventions (Rick lived in a different state), and even though Fred was "into the woo-woo," he knew as well as I that most of Rick's talk was just talk.
One day I walked into my condo's living room, and into the middle of a story Fred was telling to someone else (I don't recall whom). I don't even remember what the story was about, all I remember is that I turned the corner and entered the living room just as Fred was shouting "PSYCHIC ATTACK! PSYCHIC ATTACK!" for humorous theatrical effect. Without pause, I went up to Fred, put my hand on his shoulder, and with a serious look on my face I said, "don't worry, I'll go get Rick." Fred had to explain to whomever it was he was talking to why he laughed so hard at that he had to sit down.
With luck, this won't be so much an "inside joke" that others will miss the humor.
(By the way, my own psychic abilities allow me to predict that this thread would have been better named the "Without Thinking..." or "Without Pausing..." thread. In other words, I bet most of the posts here will have one of those two phrases, or obvious variations, in them. We're 3-for-3 already.) |
- Dave W. (Private Msg, EMail)
Evidently, I rock!
Why not question something for a change?
Visit Dave's Psoriasis Info, too. |
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Ricky
SFN Die Hard
USA
4907 Posts |
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ronnywhite
SFN Regular
501 Posts |
Posted - 12/04/2005 : 03:32:07 [Permalink]
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The line-one's good, Ricky. Sorry, Dave, I must use my delete key to disprove your psychic abilities.
A couple funny incidents immediately come to mind related to spiritual mumbo-jumbo and such.
Decades ago, the Reverand Moon squad (the Unitarian Church folk) used to wander campuses panhandling and selling vegetarian cookbooks (I think they're wealthy enough these days to have gone "respectable" or "legit" so I doubt they're so scavenging any more)... couldn't get to class without hearing "Would you like to buy a vegetarian cookbook?"... my standard reply was "Sorry, I'm on an all-meat diet."
Young guy in his 20's who did maintenance in this place was pretty much a generic hard-core Bible pounder... used to talk withem' sometimes. Told me sad story of how his aunt had a neck injury, became addicted to pain killers, was eating them by handful, lost job, husband left her. She remarried shortly thereafter- guy was pretty successful (engineering manager) but next thing ya know, he's arrested for trying to fill a prescription for painkillers that she forged, he loses job, more troubles. I commented, "Your aunt's pretty good-looking, isn't she?" and he said, "Yea..." and I said "And he was taking the pills too, wasn't he?" and he looked shocked and said "How do you know those things?" (it was just common sense!) He looked at me real suspicious-like, and asked, "Ron, are you a devil worshipper?" I said, "As a matter of fact... I'm not." He seemed unconvinced, and said "I think there's a lot of the devil in you, Ron." I laughed about it, and thought it would have been funny to "play him" ("Of course... our entire department worships the Beast!") but I couldn't do a thing like that. I'm not entirely without ethics, and besides- the kid seemed a little unstable. |
Ron White |
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astropin
SFN Regular
USA
970 Posts |
Posted - 12/05/2005 : 11:06:06 [Permalink]
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Ok, when I was is seventh grade my friend and I were running around like we were hopped up on amphetamines during lunch hour. Apparently this behavior was distracting to the students and one teacher playing a "pick up" basketball game. The teacher (a bit of a hot head) ran over to me and just freaked out, yelling at me about disturbing their game. His reaction was so over the top that when he finished I literally said to him, "to much caffeine?". I think that really caught him off guard, because he just stared at me for a moment and then walked of. Actually the look on my friends face was even better. I think he thought I was a dead man. I've had many, many others, and have quite a reputation for being a smart ass, which as everyone knows is better than being a dumb ass.
Last year at a big convention I attend annually for work, I was bar tending in a "hospitality" suite that our company sponsors. Around 3am, with only a handful of people left, this lady jumps up at starts talking about playing cards. She's running around talking about this great game she knows. She walked up to a guy near me and asked him if he had ever played "screw your neighbor"? Without skipping a beat he replied. "Not with cards"! Classic. |
I would rather face a cold reality than delude myself with comforting fantasies.
You are free to believe what you want to believe and I am free to ridicule you for it.
Atheism:
The result of an unbiased and rational search for the truth.
Infinitus est numerus stultorum |
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Dude
SFN Die Hard
USA
6891 Posts |
Posted - 12/07/2005 : 00:38:35 [Permalink]
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I have one, not my own, but from my niece. She was 6 at the time.
I was at my mothers house, so was the niece. My mom is explaining something to her (at the time) boyfriend. The 6y/o is sitting at the kitchen table drawing or coloring, and listening in to the whole thing. I'm sitting about a half a room away, sipping a post-dinner beer...
My mom's boyfriend says, at some point in the explanation, that he has no idea what my mother is talking about and doesn't understand what she is explaining.
The 6y/o, without missing a single beat says, in a very serious voice, "Thats because you have a small brain."
In the moments that followed I discovered that beer can clear your sinuses fairly well.
This, if it had come from an adult, would probably just be insulting. But from a 6y/o, and in the very considered manner in which it was delivered, it was extremely funny.
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Ignorance is preferable to error; and he is less remote from the truth who believes nothing, than he who believes what is wrong.
-- Thomas Jefferson
"god :: the last refuge of a man with no answers and no argument." - G. Carlin
Hope, n.
The handmaiden of desperation; the opiate of despair; the illegible signpost on the road to perdition. ~~ da filth |
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woolytoad
Skeptic Friend
313 Posts |
Posted - 12/07/2005 : 03:44:03 [Permalink]
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I know this girl who is really short. So once a bunch of us are just hanging around deciding where to go for lunch or something and we realise just how short she is. So I comment, "Poor <friends name>, everywhere she looks there's a sea of nipples." I can be so mean sometimes.
Another time, she's teasing me about how I read comics. I get a bit offended so she tries to console me about how some people tease her about some of her hobbies, so I say "being short is not a hobby." |
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tw101356
Skeptic Friend
USA
333 Posts |
Posted - 12/07/2005 : 07:36:50 [Permalink]
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The best ones always seem to come from children...
At a friend's wedding, five-year-old-girl M. is getting down on the dance floor to the rock and roll alongside a bevy of kimono-clad Japanese women (which was a sight all by itself). M. starts getting a little too physical in her enthusiasm, almost slam-dancing, and knocks one of the women down by accident. Her father pulls her off the dance floor and lactures her quietly, but very sternly, on proper behavior.
At the end of the lecture M. complains, "You can't talk to me like that! I'm a delicate flower."
D. and S. are geek parents. Their son B. is growing up geek. At age 9 he could describe the entire process of the human digestive system in great and accurate detail, usually to an adult who was attempting to eat something. His parents redirected his thirst for knowledge toward astronomy in the hopes that it would prove a better topic of conversation with adults.
B. loved astonomy and shared his newfound knowledge with everyone. He enjoyed sharing random astonomical facts with complete strangers. His mother took him shopping with her one day, and as they went down one aisle, B. proudly informed a passing gentleman, "Uranus is a gas giant." The gentleman glared at B.'s mom and hurried away.
I was walking around Philadelphia with my wife and her stepmother N. and we passed a shop with an interesting sign.
"The Wooden Shoe Bookstore," says N. "I wonder what kinds of books they sell?"
"Books on sabotage", I replied. |
- TW
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