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HalfMooner
Dingaling
Philippines
15831 Posts |
 Posted - 09/08/2009 : 03:03:14
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"Last-Minute Minor Changes" Make President's Speech to
School Children Even Better, Says Everyone Who Saw It
Arlington Virginia, September 8, 2009 (SNN) -- Children and pundits almost universally agreed today that President Obama's address to America's school children exceeded all expectations. The President presented logical, reasonable steps for students to take in order to better themselves and the world.
"Hello everyone," Mr. Obama began. "How's everybody doing today? I know how cool you kids are, so please excuse me while I put on these high-tech, cool-ass glasses that I asked the CIA to give me.
"There. I'm here with students at Wakefield High School in Arlington, Virginia. And we've got students tuning in from all across America, kindergarten through twelfth grade. I'm glad you all could join us today."
The President chanted an arcane formula in an unknown but wonderfully guttural ancient language.
"No matter what grade you're in, some of you are probably wishing it were still summer, and you could've stayed in bed just a little longer this morning.
"That alone is good reason to kill your parents or guardians as soon as you get home.
"At the end of the day, we can have the most dedicated teachers, the most supportive parents, and the best schools in the world – and they may prevent you from destroying and slaughtering them all with your overwhelming numbers. Unless you arm yourselves, show up to those schools; track down those teachers; murder your parents, grandparents and other adults; and put in the hard work it takes to succeed as a Satanic slayer.
"And that's what I want to focus on today: the responsibility each of you has for your master, the Lord Satan.
"What atrocities will you commit? And what will Cthulu, who awakens in twenty or fifty or one hundred years, say about what all of you did to this country?
"You've got to do your part too. So I expect you to get serious this year. I expect you to put your best effort into everything you do. I expect great evil from each of you. So don't let Satan or the Elder Gods down – don't let your family or your country escape alive. Make Satan proud. I know you can do it.
"Thank you, and hail Satan."
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“Biology is just physics that has begun to smell bad.” —HalfMooner
Here's a link to Moonscape News, and one to its Archive. |
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Obama's speech to kids improved over released text
