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The Rat
SFN Regular
Canada
1370 Posts |
 Posted - 09/26/2010 : 08:59:30
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Author unkown. (Wish I knew, 'cause it's really funny)
1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning..."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."
3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes... sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."
4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch - ain't no way out.
5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and company motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cause you were skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chompin' on it is.
9. You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
10. Good places for the Blues:
a. Highway
b. Jailhouse
c. An empty bed
d. Bottom of a whiskey glass
11. Bad places for the Blues:
a. Nordstrom's
b. Gallery openings
c. Ivy league institutions
d. Golf courses
12. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be a old ethnic person, and you slept in it.
13.You have the right to sing the Blues if:
a. You older than dirt
b. You blind
c. You shot a man in Memphis
d. You can't be satisfied
14. You don't have the right to sing the Blues if:
a. You have all your teeth
b. You were once blind but now can see
c. The man in Memphis lived
d. You have a pension fund
15. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.
16. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues
17. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. Cheap wine
b. Whiskey or bourbon
c. Muddy water
d. Nasty black coffee
18. The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. Perrier
b. Chardonnay
c. Snapple
d. Slim Fast
19. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broke-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.
20. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling
21. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie
22. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
23. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit: a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.) b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Melon, Kiwi, etc.) c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.) For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Jackleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")
24. I don't care how tragic your life: if you own even one computer, you cannot sing the blues.
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Bailey's second law; There is no relationship between the three virtues of intelligence, education, and wisdom.
You fiend! Never have I encountered such corrupt and foul-minded perversity! Have you ever considered a career in the Church? - The Bishop of Bath and Wells, Blackadder II
Baculum's page: http://www.bebo.com/Profile.jsp?MemberId=3947338590 |
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Kil
Evil Skeptic
USA
13477 Posts |
 Posted - 09/26/2010 : 09:20:28 [Permalink]
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My blues name is Deaf Howlin' Howcome. I figured there were enough blind guys around and "deaf" has been way underused. I also have a country name. It's Bück Glück. Also, I would add Mississippi to the list of places you can have the blues. Let's not forget all of those delta singers.
As a white jewish blues guitar and harp player from southern california, I must concur. I can't actually sing the blues for shit!
Funny stuff!!! |
Uncertainty may make you uncomfortable. Certainty makes you ridiculous.
Why not question something for a change?
Genetic Literacy Project |
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Dave W.
Info Junkie
USA
26022 Posts |
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Fripp
SFN Regular
USA
727 Posts |
Posted - 09/27/2010 : 06:44:01 [Permalink]
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| 23. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit: a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.) b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Melon, Kiwi, etc.) c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.) For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Jackleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.") |
How about Legally-Blind-But-Correctable-To-20/20 Kumquat Carter? Man, that name's gonna give some serious Blues cred. And people call me a dorky white guy... |
"What the hell is an Aluminum Falcon?"
"Oh, I'm sorry. I thought my Dark Lord of the Sith could protect a small thermal exhaust port that's only 2-meters wide! That thing wasn't even fully paid off yet! You have any idea what this is going to do to my credit?!?!"
"What? Oh, oh, 'just rebuild it'? Oh, real [bleep]ing original. And who's gonna give me a loan, jackhole? You? You got an ATM on that torso LiteBrite?" |
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Ebone4rock
SFN Regular
USA
894 Posts |
Posted - 09/27/2010 : 08:24:54 [Permalink]
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| " Impotent Pineapple Obama" kinda has a ring to it. |
Haole with heart, thats all I'll ever be. I'm not a part of the North Shore society. Stuck on the shoulder, that's where you'll find me. Digging for scraps with the kooks in line. -Offspring |
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Ebone4rock
SFN Regular
USA
894 Posts |
Posted - 09/27/2010 : 11:47:36 [Permalink]
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A few years ago my lead guitar player ( a Chicago bluesman, he has a bluesman hat and everything) and I wrote a song called " The Blues Polka" to celebrate the coming together of our two native musics. I didn't realize it but we were following some of the rules.
The Blues Polka by Ebone & J-Toe
(shuffle in E)
v1
I woke up this mornin' in the toilet again, I can't remember any place I've been.
Stumble to the fridge and I slam my last one, Looks like I'm going for another beer run.
I'd take my car but I locked the keys in the trunk, probably better off because I'm still pretty drunk.
Tried to bum a ride from my good buddy Mel, he lifted up his finger and he said "Go to Hell"
(Chorus, polka style)
It's all I wanna say I wanna make it real clear. All I wanna do is Drink Lots Of Beer. If you're drinking with me then let me hear you cheer! All I wanna do is Drink Lots Of Beer!
v2
Walked damn near 12 blocks to get to the store, I grabbed the handle and I opened the door.
There were cases and barrels standing 6 feet tall, I wish that I could just go home with them all.
Good think the clerk was my good buddy Ray, He told me 'bout a plan that he thought of today.
He said "the boss is out of town and he left me the keys, we can go in the back and take whatever we please."
(repeat chorus)
v3
We loaded up the van to head on downtown, AA meetings over soon Ralph will be down.
He can't beleive his eyes it's like the beer never ends, he says " Hey fellas mind if I bring some friends".
Rays havin' a hard time drivin' he keeps lookin' in the mirror, Don't know what he's looking at, the girls or the beer.
Headin' to the lake gonna start a big fire, we brought a load of wood and an old Goodyear tire.
(repeat chorus)
v4
The fire's gettin' hot and we're gettin' pretty lit, my shoes are melting but I don't give a shit.
Cuz we're dancin' and singin' and having a good time, I found a pretty girl and I'm gonna make her mine.....
.......but then I woke up this mornin' in the toilet again, I can't remember any place I've been.
Stumble to the fridge and I slam my last one.....OH NO....NOT ANOTHER BEER RUN!!!!
(repeat chorus)
DRINKK LOTS OF BEER, DRINK LOTS OF BEER, ALL I WANNA DO IS DRINK LOTS OF BEER!(repeat, fade)
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Haole with heart, thats all I'll ever be. I'm not a part of the North Shore society. Stuck on the shoulder, that's where you'll find me. Digging for scraps with the kooks in line. -Offspring |
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Kil
Evil Skeptic
USA
13477 Posts |
Posted - 09/27/2010 : 12:50:26 [Permalink]
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Ebone4rock:
The Blues Polka by Ebone & J-Toe |
Ha! That's a really funny idea!!! Nice lyrics too. |
Uncertainty may make you uncomfortable. Certainty makes you ridiculous.
Why not question something for a change?
Genetic Literacy Project |
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Ebone4rock
SFN Regular
USA
894 Posts |
Posted - 09/27/2010 : 13:17:23 [Permalink]
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Originally posted by Kil
Ebone4rock:
The Blues Polka by Ebone & J-Toe |
Ha! That's a really funny idea!!! Nice lyrics too.
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Thanks Kil. This song has become our most popular crowd participation song. Unfortunately it has not been recorded yet. When I get home tonight I'll send you a link with some of my other original songs that have been recorded. You just might get a kick out of them. |
Haole with heart, thats all I'll ever be. I'm not a part of the North Shore society. Stuck on the shoulder, that's where you'll find me. Digging for scraps with the kooks in line. -Offspring |
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Kil
Evil Skeptic
USA
13477 Posts |
Posted - 09/27/2010 : 13:38:15 [Permalink]
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Originally posted by Ebone4rock
Originally posted by Kil
Ebone4rock:
The Blues Polka by Ebone & J-Toe |
Ha! That's a really funny idea!!! Nice lyrics too.
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Thanks Kil. This song has become our most popular crowd participation song. Unfortunately it has not been recorded yet. When I get home tonight I'll send you a link with some of my other original songs that have been recorded. You just might get a kick out of them.
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Cool!!! |
Uncertainty may make you uncomfortable. Certainty makes you ridiculous.
Why not question something for a change?
Genetic Literacy Project |
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R.Wreck
SFN Regular
USA
1191 Posts |
Posted - 09/28/2010 : 15:08:08 [Permalink]
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| I always thought that Warren Zevon distilled the essence of the blues down to four words in this song. (NSFW) |
The foundation of morality is to . . . give up pretending to believe that for which there is no evidence, and repeating unintelligible propositions about things beyond the possibliities of knowledge.
T. H. Huxley
The Cattle Prod of Enlightened Compassion
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Kil
Evil Skeptic
USA
13477 Posts |
Posted - 09/28/2010 : 17:45:52 [Permalink]
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Originally posted by R.Wreck
I always thought that Warren Zevon distilled the essence of the blues down to four words in this song. (NSFW)
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Hmmmm... I think "My Shit's Fucked Up" is a beautiful and touching song. I can't think of another person who could have written that song without it coming off as maudlin or overly manipulative. He just lays out his situation and reflects a bit on it in terms that natural to him. Warren Zevon was a master of dark subjects, and he didn't lose his touch even when the song was about him, as this song is.
I miss Warren Zevon.
Anyhow, incase anyone is interested, here's a live solo version of My Shit's Fucked Up that I think is even better than the studio version. |
Uncertainty may make you uncomfortable. Certainty makes you ridiculous.
Why not question something for a change?
Genetic Literacy Project |
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R.Wreck
SFN Regular
USA
1191 Posts |
Posted - 09/29/2010 : 15:06:29 [Permalink]
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Originally posted by Kil
Originally posted by R.Wreck
I always thought that Warren Zevon distilled the essence of the blues down to four words in this song. (NSFW)
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Hmmmm... I think "My Shit's Fucked Up" is a beautiful and touching song. I can't think of another person who could have written that song without it coming off as maudlin or overly manipulative. He just lays out his situation and reflects a bit on it in terms that natural to him. Warren Zevon was a master of dark subjects, and he didn't lose his touch even when the song was about him, as this song is.
I miss Warren Zevon.
Anyhow, incase anyone is interested, here's a live solo version of My Shit's Fucked Up that I think is even better than the studio version.
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Agree totally about Warren. I guess what I meant was that you can take just about any blues song and sum it up with "my shit's fucked up", whether it's about your health, love life, or financial situation. |
The foundation of morality is to . . . give up pretending to believe that for which there is no evidence, and repeating unintelligible propositions about things beyond the possibliities of knowledge.
T. H. Huxley
The Cattle Prod of Enlightened Compassion
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Rules for singin' the blues
