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HalfMooner
Dingaling
Philippines
15831 Posts |
 Posted - 10/25/2010 : 22:34:49
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[Note: Archaeologists working in the Negev desert of southern Israel recently excavated a stele with inscriptions in Proto-Hebraic script. The inscriptions appear to be the the oldest version of Genesis 2 ever discovered. The text varies in some considerable ways from previously known versions of Genesis 2. Here, exclusively and for the first time ever, is an English translation of the Negev Stele:]Genesis 2
2:1 Thus the heavens and the earth were finished, and all the host of them.
2:2 And on the seventh day God at first bethought himself to rest and repose after the labors of the foregoing six days; but lo, He remembered that He is omnipotent, and needs not ever to rest or slumber. For the Lord of Hosts was verily filled with undiminished energy and vigor.
2:3 And God muttered, D'oh! We should have remembered that. Is Our omniscience failing Us?
2:4 And so God decided to spend the seventh day putting a few finishing touches upon His Creation.
2:5 And so God considered again all that He had created, and He saw that it was good. Too good.
2:6 This is entirely too uniformly saccharine, said God. Our Creation abounds in order, peace, beauty and kindness.
2:7 And God said, There is little in this Creation for contrast, for conflict, with which to provide Us with drama or comedy. It is as if every placid creature eats three meals a day, every day, in a candy shop, then goes to its bed in peaceful slumber, dreaming only of the next day's cloying candy. Bor-ing.
2:8 Let Us, so that it more fully pleases Us, then tweak Our Creation just a smidgen, said the Lord.
2:9 And one by one the Lord took hold of His creatures and in His hands He reformed them, subtly or grossly, according to its kind and His divine will.
2:10 And God took up the humble and gentle wasp, which had originally been created to tend and graze upon lilies. And God reshaped the wasp with His hands, and He gave it a venomous, paralyzing sting, and God made that wasp into a loathsome parasite. And the Lord gave the wasp a sharp ovipositor, so it would lay its eggs within helpless living creatures, and so its young would eat the victim alive, from the inside out.
2:11 And God looked upon his handiwork, and smiled, and said, Yea, verily, this is pure evil; and He was much pleased with His work.
2:12 And so, by re-purposing creatures of all kinds, God then made millions of other loathsome parasites; fleas, ticks, worms, biting flies and countless thousands of invisibly tiny pestilent creatures, and He inflicted each kind of them upon other creatures, upon both animals and man.
2:13 And God then took into His hands the gentle weed-eating crocodile, and He sharpened its teeth, and made it mad to devour whatever animal or man should come within its reach. And the Lord next made all manner of other predators, so that the fearsome law of tooth and claw should forever be nature's rule.
2:14 And God watched as a leopard for the first time slaughtered a young child of man, and the Lord's heart was much gladdened.
2:15 And the Lord next considered the physical world, and noticed that everywhere He had created the land with a mild climate, warm but not exceedingly warm, moist but not sodden, and with gentle breezes but without gales. The earth was uniformly full of abundance for man, animal and fowl.
2:16 And God said, We will fix that.
2:17 And so the Lord created vast waterless regions and lands covered with ice. He lifted up fiery mountains to belch forth lethal gasses, choking ash, and molten rock. God made the gentle air itself into a capricious danger, reshaping it so that storms would forever after rain down flooding deluges, ice, lightning bolts, and destructive winds. He created cracks in the very earth, to let forth great, destructive shaking.
2:18 And God saw how He had made the earth itself a more dangerous place, and He smiled widely; and He chuckled to Himself.
2:19 Then the Lord of hosts turned his attention to his favorite creation, man, His only fully sapient creature. God saw that, despite the parasitic diseases He had inflicted, man was mainly content, complaisant and sleek with fat, and was free to use his intelligence unfettered and without bounds. Man saw the world as it was, and knew it well, learning daily ever more, better ways to avoid the dangers God had lately introduced. No great worries or fears furrowed man's brow.
2:20 And God said, this We may not abide; this must not stand; for yea, it entertains Us not.
2:21 And so God made the Priest. And God laughed aloud like a great thunder unto the very heavens, and He said, Now this is going to be fun! |
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“Biology is just physics that has begun to smell bad.” —HalfMooner
Here's a link to Moonscape News, and one to its Archive. |
Edited by - HalfMooner on 10/26/2010 02:58:27
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sailingsoul
SFN Addict
2830 Posts |
Posted - 11/07/2010 : 13:06:37 [Permalink]
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| At least it's consistent with current Genesis. It depicts a God which talks to himself and not modest about his own work. Like his own creator, man. SS |
There are only two types of religious people, the deceivers and the deceived. SS |
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filthy
SFN Die Hard
USA
14408 Posts |
 Posted - 11/07/2010 : 14:45:14 [Permalink]
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Heh, excelent. 
It reminds me of an old Monty Python bit:
All things dull and ug-ly,
All creatures, short and squat,
All things rude and na-sty,
The Lord God made the lot.
Each little snake that poisons,
Each little wasp that stings,
He made their prudish venom,
He made their horrid wings.
All things sick and cancerous,
All evil great and small,
All things foul and dangerous,
The Lord God made them all.
Each nasty little hornet,
Each beastly little squid,
Who made the spiky urchin,
Who made the sharks, he did.
All things scant and ulcerous,
All pox both great and small,
Putrid, foul and gangrenous,
The Lord God made them all,
Amen
Of course, all of this was created after The Fall, when Adam & Eve managed to screw it all up.
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"What luck for rulers that men do not think." -- Adolf Hitler (1889 - 1945)
"If only we could impeach on the basis of criminal stupidity, 90% of the Rethuglicans and half of the Democrats would be thrown out of office." ~~ P.Z. Myres
"The default position of human nature is to punch the other guy in the face and take his stuff." ~~ Dude
Brother Boot Knife of Warm Humanitarianism,
and Crypto-Communist! 
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| Edited by - filthy on 11/07/2010 14:49:21 |
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HalfMooner
Dingaling
Philippines
15831 Posts |
Posted - 11/07/2010 : 18:21:06 [Permalink]
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Thanks for the replies, people. Yes, sailinsoul, I tried to make "my" Yahweh consistent with His revealed personality and speaking mannerisms, as well as his acts consistent with the present results. Genesis II should have read something like the above, I think.
And thanks for reminding us all of that wonderful song, Filthy! |
“Biology is just physics that has begun to smell bad.” —HalfMooner
Here's a link to Moonscape News, and one to its Archive. |
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And on the seventh day. . .
