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HalfMooner
Dingaling
Philippines
15831 Posts |
 Posted - 10/05/2007 : 01:34:33
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The squawk-box on the executive's desk came to life.
A melodious female voice intoned, "That package finally arrived, Lord Satan."
"You mean, that package?"
"Yes, Milord, I'm afraid so."
Shipment delayed, but not lost.
"And here I was, still hoping that it had been lost forever," the Prince of Darkness replied, sighing. "After nearly five months, I was beginning to hope. Very well, Lizardbeth, send him in. I may as well get this over with."
The office door opened, and a fat, naked man was ushered in. A hideous female demon stood attentively beside the newcomer.
"No!" the man bellowed, "This can't be happening to me! I'm the Reverend Doctor Jerry Falwell! I'm saved! Once saved, always saved!"
"Ah, so predictable. Kübler-Ross is proven correct once again," said the Devil Himself, "That's the classic Stage One. Falwell, look around. It is happening. You are damned. Look, I personally don't want you here, but there are Rules I must follow. Your life-long evil hypocrisy, greed, gluttony and bigotry made it a certainty that you'd end up here."
"But... but... you can't get away with this! I'll pray to the Lord and have you punished for this outrage!"
"And there's Stage Two," smirked Lucifer. "The entity you are speaking of is off-limits to your prayer, Falwell. In fact, he hasn't been listening to your prayers for over fifty years. You never once prayed when you knew you were alone, Falwell, only when you could impress others with your 'piety.'"
"Look, I know I haven't always been a perfect Christian. I was a little selfish at times. It's kind of a Catholic idea, but maybe you got something like Purgatory, right? Just give me a little time in Purgatory, and I'll make up for it, I promise! How 'bout it, we got us a deal?"
"Stage Three so soon? Aren't you the bright boy? Falwell, there is no Purgatory, and even if there was such a spiritual rehab facility, you wouldn't qualify for admission. Now, don't bother even trying Stages Four and Five. You will find that you are now incapable of achieving a state of depression that allows you to stop caring. And you will also find yourself forever unable to accept what is going to be happening to you in the Lake of Fire and in our other attractions for the next eternity or two. Those easy ways out are not available to the damned, as they would be inconsistent with the kind of suffering you have so richly earned."
"No!"
"Oh, but yes, Falwell. In fact, I am going to make a special arrangement for you, by assigning you a personal demonic trainer. Hmmm... who should that be? Oh, I know! Lizardbeth, page Tinky Winky and have him report here at once."
"No-o-o!"
[My thanks to the_ignored for the general inspiration.]
[Edited to fix the old image, whose host service had killed it. I didn't have a copy of the original, so I made another version. If memory serves, this one's almost identical to the original.]
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“Biology is just physics that has begun to smell bad.” —HalfMooner
Here's a link to Moonscape News, and one to its Archive. |
Edited by - HalfMooner on 08/18/2012 09:20:57
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filthy
SFN Die Hard
USA
14408 Posts |
Posted - 10/05/2007 : 02:39:13 [Permalink]
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What a disgusting picture! It sorta reminds me of the funeral of William the Conqueror, who exploded when his ripe, porky cadaver was crammed into his too-small sarcophagus, showering the congregation with soft, pungent bits of necrotic royalty.
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"What luck for rulers that men do not think." -- Adolf Hitler (1889 - 1945)
"If only we could impeach on the basis of criminal stupidity, 90% of the Rethuglicans and half of the Democrats would be thrown out of office." ~~ P.Z. Myres
"The default position of human nature is to punch the other guy in the face and take his stuff." ~~ Dude
Brother Boot Knife of Warm Humanitarianism,
and Crypto-Communist! 
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HalfMooner
Dingaling
Philippines
15831 Posts |
Posted - 10/05/2007 : 02:50:47 [Permalink]
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Originally posted by filthy
What a disgusting picture! It sorta reminds me of the funeral of William the Conqueror, who exploded when his ripe, porky cadaver was crammed into his too-small sarcophagus, showering the congregation with soft, pungent bits of necrotic royalty.
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Yuck! Personally, I'm not quite old enough to remember that.
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“Biology is just physics that has begun to smell bad.” —HalfMooner
Here's a link to Moonscape News, and one to its Archive. |
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pleco
SFN Addict
USA
2998 Posts |
Posted - 10/05/2007 : 05:40:08 [Permalink]
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My eyes! 
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by Filthy
The neo-con methane machine will soon be running at full fart. |
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HalfMooner
Dingaling
Philippines
15831 Posts |
Posted - 10/05/2007 : 06:00:25 [Permalink]
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Originally posted by pleco
My eyes!
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I felt really silly Googling for "fat naked man" to get the body I needed for that one. I will now have my eyes burned out with a hot poker. I hope I won't still see that in my mind's eye.
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“Biology is just physics that has begun to smell bad.” —HalfMooner
Here's a link to Moonscape News, and one to its Archive. |
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pleco
SFN Addict
USA
2998 Posts |
Posted - 10/05/2007 : 06:37:52 [Permalink]
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Originally posted by HalfMooner
Originally posted by pleco
My eyes!
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I felt really silly Googling for "fat naked man" to get the body I needed for that one. I will now have my eyes burned out with a hot poker. I hope I won't still see that in my mind's eye.
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Ohhh, who knows what kind of watch list you just got yourself on!  |
by Filthy
The neo-con methane machine will soon be running at full fart. |
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Bill scott
SFN Addict
USA
2103 Posts |
Posted - 10/05/2007 : 09:53:27 [Permalink]
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Originally posted by HalfMooner
The squawk-box on the executive's desk came to life.
A melodious female voice intoned, "That package finally arrived, Lord Satan."
"You mean, that package?"
"Yes, Milord, I'm afraid so."
"And here I was, still hoping that it had been lost forever," the Prince of Darkness replied, sighing. "After nearly five months, I was beginning to hope. Very well, Lizardbeth, send him in. I may as well get this over with."
The office door opened, and a fat, naked man was ushered in. A hideous female demon stood attentively beside the newcomer.
"No!" the man bellowed, "This can't be happening to me! I'm the Reverend Doctor Jerry Falwell! I'm saved! Once saved, always saved!"
"Ah, so predictable. Kübler-Ross is proven correct once again," said the Devil Himself, "That's the classic Stage One. Falwell, look around. It is happening. You are damned. Look, I personally don't want you here, but there are Rules I must follow. Your life-long evil hypocrisy, greed, gluttony and bigotry made it a certainty that you'd end up here."
"But... but... you can't get away with this! I'll pray to the Lord and have you punished for this outrage!"
"And there's Stage Two," smirked Lucifer. "The entity you are speaking of is off-limits to your prayer, Falwell. In fact, he hasn't been listening to your prayers for over fifty years. You never once prayed when you knew you were alone, Falwell, only when you could impress others with your 'piety.'"
"Look, I know I haven't always been a perfect Christian. I was a little selfish at times. It's kind of a Catholic idea, but maybe you got something like Purgatory, right? Just give me a little time in Purgatory, and I'll make up for it, I promise! How 'bout it, we got us a deal?"
"Stage Three so soon? Aren't you the bright boy? Falwell, there is no Purgatory, and even if there was such a spiritual rehab facility, you wouldn't qualify for admission. Now, don't bother even trying Stages Four and Five. You will find that you are now incapable of achieving a state of depression that allows you to stop caring. And you will also find yourself forever unable to accept what is going to be happening to you in the Lake of Fire and in our other attractions for the next eternity or two. Those easy ways out are not available to the damned, as they would be inconsistent with the kind of suffering you have so richly earned."
"No!"
"Oh, but yes, Falwell. In fact, I am going to make a special arrangement for you, by assigning you a personal demonic trainer. Hmmm... who should that be? Oh, I know! Lizardbeth, page Tinky Winky and have him report here at once."
"No-o-o!"
[My thanks to the_ignored for the general inspiration.]
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Flash: You have toooo much free time on your hands. Get a job and make yourself usefull to society rather then waste your time on these stupid photoshops that you offer, which ain't even funny on top of it all.  What are you about twelve years old? |
"Lets get one thing clear, Bill. Science does make some assumptions." -perrodetokio-
"In the end as skeptics we must realize that there is no real knowledge, there is only what is most reasonable to believe." -Coelacanth-
The fact that humans do science is what causes errors in science. -Dave W.-
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| Edited by - Bill scott on 10/05/2007 17:26:54 |
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moakley
SFN Regular
USA
1888 Posts |
Posted - 10/05/2007 : 10:11:03 [Permalink]
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Originally posted by Bill scott
Flash: You have toooo much free time on your hands. Get a job and make yourself usefull to society rather then waste your time on these stupid photoshops that you offer, which ain't even funny on top of it all. What are you about twelve years old?
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Couldn't you have made your reply without keeping the entire OP and picture. Especially the picture. I'm still queazy |
Life is good
Philosophy is questions that may never be answered. Religion is answers that may never be questioned. -Anonymous |
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Boron10
Religion Moderator
USA
1266 Posts |
Posted - 10/05/2007 : 11:18:33 [Permalink]
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Originally posted by Bill scott
Flash: You have toooo much free time on your hands. Get a job and make yourself usefull to society rather then waste your time on these stupid photoshops that you offer, which ain't even funny on top of it all. What are you about twelve years old? |
One of the many benefits of retirement, Bill scott, is the time to engage in persuits that some may find useless.
If HalfMooner were to get paid for his articles, like the onion or the Weekly World News, would you have less objection? Then he would have a job and be perceived by some as useful to society.
Do you see the vapidity of your statement above? Do you have any real comments on this article, other than it "ain't even funny"?
As an aside, HalfMooner, I think it is "even funny on top of it all." |
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filthy
SFN Die Hard
USA
14408 Posts |
 Posted - 10/05/2007 : 11:25:55 [Permalink]
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Flash: You have toooo much free time on your hands. Get a job and make yourself usefull to society rather then waste your time on these stupid photoshops that you offer, which ain't even funny on top of it all. What are you about twelve years old?
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Flash: There is no doubt that 'mooner would love to do exactly that, if he were able. You've let your mouth overload your ass this time, Bill!
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"What luck for rulers that men do not think." -- Adolf Hitler (1889 - 1945)
"If only we could impeach on the basis of criminal stupidity, 90% of the Rethuglicans and half of the Democrats would be thrown out of office." ~~ P.Z. Myres
"The default position of human nature is to punch the other guy in the face and take his stuff." ~~ Dude
Brother Boot Knife of Warm Humanitarianism,
and Crypto-Communist!
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pleco
SFN Addict
USA
2998 Posts |
Posted - 10/05/2007 : 11:32:16 [Permalink]
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Hmmm, HalfMooner posts in a forum dedicated to his humor a posting about Falwell. Bill, knowing full well this post will not put Falwell in a flattering light, chooses to read it anyway. Kinda like the lady who was censoring the library of all "obscene" books - she just had to look at the pictures first, didn't she?
Hey Bill, I guess it struck a nerve - nothing like having your idol(s) spat on, isn't it? |
by Filthy
The neo-con methane machine will soon be running at full fart. |
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| Edited by - pleco on 10/05/2007 12:37:57 |
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filthy
SFN Die Hard
USA
14408 Posts |
Posted - 10/05/2007 : 12:17:58 [Permalink]
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Originally posted by pleco
Hmmm, HalfMooner posts in a forum dedicated to his humor a posting about Falwell. Bill, knowing full well this post will not put Falwell in a flattering light, chooses to read it anyway. Kinda like the lady who was censoring the library of all "obscene" books - she just had to look at the pictures first, didn't she?
I guess it struck a nerve - nothing like having your idol(s) spat on, isn't it?
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It pisses me off. Why go ad hom on Halfmooner? Tear the OP apart, fine, everybody doesn't like everything and should either say so or not get involved in it. I persoanlly think that Falwell was an lying, avaricious scumbag with a vicious streak who'd suck up to anyone with cash and spit upon anyone without. Everybody doesn't agree with that, and so what? If you want to pursue it, come up with proof that he was anything else 'cause my documentation is close to hand. He was no better than the slimey Moonie who bailed out his travesty of a university.
Keep 'em coming, 'mooner; they don't all give me a chuckle, but a lot of 'em do.
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"What luck for rulers that men do not think." -- Adolf Hitler (1889 - 1945)
"If only we could impeach on the basis of criminal stupidity, 90% of the Rethuglicans and half of the Democrats would be thrown out of office." ~~ P.Z. Myres
"The default position of human nature is to punch the other guy in the face and take his stuff." ~~ Dude
Brother Boot Knife of Warm Humanitarianism,
and Crypto-Communist!
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HalfMooner
Dingaling
Philippines
15831 Posts |
Posted - 10/05/2007 : 13:25:23 [Permalink]
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Originally posted by Bill scott
Flash: You have toooo much free time on your hands. Get a job and make yourself usefull to society rather then waste your time on these stupid photoshops that you offer, which ain't even funny on top of it all. What are you about twelve years old?
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Bill, if mine spoof offend thee, put it where you can't see it.
I intended primarily to make those who dislike Falwell laugh, and secondarily to in some small way punish his sheepish followers by enraging them and making their hate-filled day incrementally even nastier. (Hell, maybe one would even drop dead from apoplexy! Present company excepted.)
I'm glad you found the piece completely lacking humor. The spoof isn't intended to make bigoted fundies laugh. Perish the thought! I would never want to add so much as a single giggle to the lives of such people.
Thank you so much for letting me know I scored by angering a member of my secondary target audience!
Frankly, Bill, you've used the identical "too much time on your hands" argument against me before. It didn't impress me much then, either. Now, it's beginning to get boringly repetitive -- as are just about all your rather unimaginative, unintelligent, and often dishonest and bigoted spewings. But please do report in more often: The thrill I get from knowing I've hit the right target far overshadows the presentational dullness of your message. You also, as always, really enliven any thread to which you contribute.
Since you don't seem to remember my reply from the last time you told me I was childish and was wasting my time, I will repeat some facts to correct your false assumptions. I am 62 years old and retired. I am also partially disabled due to a stroke four years ago. I walk with a limp and a stumble, am partially paralyzed in my left arm, and presently have tendinitis and bursitis in both the elbow and shoulder of my "good" arm due to overuse. I could not hold down a regular job, even if I wanted to. But who's complaining? I'm alive, and having great fun, especially right now!
I actively enjoy making my mean-spirited attacks upon dead evil bastards like Falwell, and upon some live ones as well. And I do not shy from saying I do hate people like Falwell. I mean, if you can't hate the Falwells of the world, who can you hate?
I think tearing down, and enraging, bigoted hypocrites is one of the most positive things I can still do at this stage in my life. Thanks for the feedback!
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“Biology is just physics that has begun to smell bad.” —HalfMooner
Here's a link to Moonscape News, and one to its Archive. |
| Edited by - HalfMooner on 10/05/2007 15:37:04 |
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HalfMooner
Dingaling
Philippines
15831 Posts |
Posted - 10/05/2007 : 13:30:24 [Permalink]
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Originally posted by Boron10
Originally posted by Bill scott
Flash: You have toooo much free time on your hands. Get a job and make yourself usefull to society rather then waste your time on these stupid photoshops that you offer, which ain't even funny on top of it all. What are you about twelve years old? |
One of the many benefits of retirement, Bill scott, is the time to engage in persuits that some may find useless.
If HalfMooner were to get paid for his articles, like the onion or the Weekly World News, would you have less objection? Then he would have a job and be perceived by some as useful to society.
Do you see the vapidity of your statement above? Do you have any real comments on this article, other than it "ain't even funny"?
As an aside, HalfMooner, I think it is "even funny on top of it all."
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Thanks, Boron!
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“Biology is just physics that has begun to smell bad.” —HalfMooner
Here's a link to Moonscape News, and one to its Archive. |
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HalfMooner
Dingaling
Philippines
15831 Posts |
Posted - 10/05/2007 : 13:35:13 [Permalink]
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Originally posted by filthy
Keep 'em coming, 'mooner; they don't all give me a chuckle, but a lot of 'em do.
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Thank you, Fil! I intend to do just that, especially with the encouragement I'm getting, both positive and negative.
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“Biology is just physics that has begun to smell bad.” —HalfMooner
Here's a link to Moonscape News, and one to its Archive. |
| Edited by - HalfMooner on 10/05/2007 13:35:37 |
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Bill scott
SFN Addict
USA
2103 Posts |
Posted - 10/05/2007 : 17:25:37 [Permalink]
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Flash: You have toooo much free time on your hands. Get a job and make yourself usefull to society rather then waste your time on these stupid photoshops that you offer, which ain't even funny on top of it all. What are you about twelve years old?
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"Lets get one thing clear, Bill. Science does make some assumptions." -perrodetokio-
"In the end as skeptics we must realize that there is no real knowledge, there is only what is most reasonable to believe." -Coelacanth-
The fact that humans do science is what causes errors in science. -Dave W.-
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Jerry Falwell's induction interview
