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SPEEDY AND THE A-G'S BAND

(By Mike Alexander with apologies to John Fogarty)

Early in the evenin' just about supper time
Over by the courthouse there's data bein' mined.
Four guys in the corner plan to raid your home.
Speedy gets a warrant and he goes and taps your phone.

Down in the Basement, inside your home
Speedy and the Admin plan,
Bring a warrant; tap your phone.

Cheney plays the tough guy and people just got to smile
Rumsfeld sits behind his desk and mumbles for a while.
Dubya twangs the bullshit out on his kalamazoo.
Speedy calls Geneva quaint and puts the screws to you.

Down in the Basement, deep out of sight,
Speedy and the Admins plan
For a Gitmo stay tonight.

You don't need a reason, just a righteous God
To incommunicado either terrorist or clod.
Over in the corner there's a happy noise.
Coming from the current running through the naked boys.

Down in the Basement, deep out of sight
Speedy and the Admin plan,
On a long and noisy night.

Down in the Basement, deep out of sight
Speedy and the Admin plan,
On a long and noisy night.

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THE MOVING FINGER RITES

(REAGAN, D.R. – XOF News) The last of the Repubican congressmen were released today from Walter Reed Hospital.

Over seventy of the solons were treated for arm and shoulder injuries incurred during the President's State of the Disunion speech when they tried to simultaneously applaud and raise their index fingers, which had been dipped in blue ink in a show of solidarity with voters in Iraq. Their laudable attempt was somewhat marred by the televised image of them holding their arms stiffly outward as they stood cheering Mr. Bush's speech, a gesture that seemed to cause some vague discomfort in persons with memories longer than their shoe strings. “I didn't see any ink on the Democrat's fingers,” remarked Sen. Orrin ‘Booby' Hatch (R- Polygamy). “They obviously don't care about democracy. Or freedom and liberty. Or liberty and freedom. Or personal Social Security accounts.”

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi responded that “While we have nothing but admiration for the oppressed people of Iraq, we are saving our gesture for the delivery of the President's budget.” Holding out her hand, she showed the tip of her finger had been dipped in red ink. “We intend to extend these when the budget is delivered to Congress,” she said.

When asked why she had not used her index finger, she just smiled.

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RICHARD M NIXON, WON'T YOU PLEASE JUST GO!

(A Watergate Primer for Children, by Dr. Sheesh)

A long time ago
When the world was all new
(For you youngsters out there
It was '72)

Richard Nixon was still the Commander-in Chief
But he wanted still more (I'll be mercifully brief);
His lead in the polls was quite much more than sound
But McGovern he wanted to screw to the ground.

So he hired some gumshoes to burgle the spot
Where the Democrat groupies would gather to plot.
To examine their papers and steal their plans
So that Richard could give them a kick in the glands.

So the Plumbers assembled, by brave Libby led,
Who could candle his forearm and shave bare his head.
And one quiet night (It was ever so late)
They snuck into a room at the new Watergate.

But as burglars they had a conspicuous flaw
(And it wasn't that they disrespected the law):
For their dark machinations would all come to naught
As they stumbled around and then got themselves caught!

When appraised of this Richard got right on the phone
And told Mitchell to build up a thick wall of stone.
And the job was well done, ‘cause for many a day
All the media giants could make no headway.

But then Woodward and Bernstein, young journalists, two
(With the first tall and blond, and the second a Jew)
Did manage to get past the White House's moat
With the aid of a man whom they just called Deep Throat.

Once the story was broken it all got quite mean,
With Massacres, firings, and words from John Dean.
For a cancer did grow on fair Richard, he said,
And if not quickly cut off, they all would be dead.

But the Post wouldn't quit, and the days took their toll,
As the boys in the White House kept digging their hole.
From Rosemary's Gap on that nasty old tape
To Mitchell's wife Martha, with drugged jaw agape.

Till eventually Richard just had to say ‘shit!'
So he held up his arms and then stalked out and quit.
But he still felt contented as Ford watched him go,
In exchange for a quid, Richard got a pro quo!

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