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Ricky
SFN Die Hard
USA
4907 Posts |
 Posted - 08/13/2005 : 22:36:57
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I got this in an email from a friend:
THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 60 YEARS TO LEARN
By Dave Barry
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use as His messenger a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
7. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. 8. Very often, that individual is crazy.
9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
10. Never lick a steak knife.
11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
12. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
16. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
19. Your friends love you anyway.
20. Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark.A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
A few of my own:
21. Creationists will never change their minds.
22. Never put vegetable oil in an orange juice container in your refrigerator.
23. No matter how much you want something, it's always worse when you get it.
24. Man can not live on cheese cake alone.
25. Never, ever, have these three things in the same room: dog, alcohol, peanut butter.
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Why continue? Because we must. Because we have the call. Because it is nobler to fight for rationality without winning than to give up in the face of continued defeats. Because whatever true progress humanity makes is through the rationality of the occasional individual and because any one individual we may win for the cause may do more for humanity than a hundred thousand who hug their superstitions to their breast.
- Isaac Asimov |
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dv82matt
SFN Regular
760 Posts |
Posted - 08/13/2005 : 23:15:32 [Permalink]
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26. Honesty is not always the best policy.
27. Don't blow your own horn. Get someone else to blow it for you.
28. The fear of the lord is the beginning of ignorance.
29. The cat is not a hat.
30. Sometimes you get to tell the joke, and sometimes you get to be the joke. In other words, don't take yourself too seriously.
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Siberia
SFN Addict
Brazil
2322 Posts |
Posted - 08/14/2005 : 07:22:35 [Permalink]
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31. Camping just outside campi can get you run over my oblivious students  Right Ricky?
32. Madness is much cooler than sanity. |
"Why are you afraid of something you're not even sure exists?"
- The Kovenant, Via Negativa
"People who don't like their beliefs being laughed at shouldn't have such funny beliefs."
-- unknown
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Gorgo
SFN Die Hard
USA
5310 Posts |
Posted - 08/14/2005 : 07:37:38 [Permalink]
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quote:
Originally posted by Ricky
I got this in an email from a friend:
Took me fifty some years to figure out you're funnier than Dave Barry. |
I know the rent is in arrears
The dog has not been fed in years
It's even worse than it appears
But it's alright-
Jerry Garcia
Robert Hunter
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Ricky
SFN Die Hard
USA
4907 Posts |
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R.Wreck
SFN Regular
USA
1191 Posts |
Posted - 08/14/2005 : 13:19:52 [Permalink]
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quote:
Originally posted by Ricky:
25. Never, ever, have these three things in the same room: dog, alcohol, peanut butter.
I'll second that. Damn dog got drunk and thought it would be funny to put peanut butter in my shoes! |
The foundation of morality is to . . . give up pretending to believe that for which there is no evidence, and repeating unintelligible propositions about things beyond the possibliities of knowledge.
T. H. Huxley
The Cattle Prod of Enlightened Compassion
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Dr. Mabuse
Septic Fiend
Sweden
9688 Posts |
Posted - 08/15/2005 : 08:32:40 [Permalink]
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quote:
Originally posted by R.Wreck
<blockquote id="quote"><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica" id="quote">quote:<hr height="1" noshade id="quote">Originally posted by Ricky:
25. Never, ever, have these three things in the same room: dog, alcohol, peanut butter.
I'll second that. Damn dog got drunk and thought it would be funny to put peanut butter in my shoes!
[/quote]Are you sure is was peanut-butter? |
Dr. Mabuse - "When the going gets tough, the tough get Duct-tape..."
Dr. Mabuse whisper.mp3
"Equivocation is not just a job, for a creationist it's a way of life..." Dr. Mabuse
Support American Troops in Iraq:
Send them unarmed civilians for target practice..
Collateralmurder. |
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astropin
SFN Regular
USA
970 Posts |
Posted - 08/15/2005 : 10:45:42 [Permalink]
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38. Everything Depends
39. #33 is definitely relative
40. "Wild Animal" = Unpredictable
41. People are Animals |
I would rather face a cold reality than delude myself with comforting fantasies.
You are free to believe what you want to believe and I am free to ridicule you for it.
Atheism:
The result of an unbiased and rational search for the truth.
Infinitus est numerus stultorum |
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Dave W.
Info Junkie
USA
26022 Posts |
Posted - 08/15/2005 : 13:55:49 [Permalink]
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quote:
Originally posted by astropin
39. #33 is definitely relative
Indeed. The last thing I want to see when I'm just about to undergo a hernia operation or Lasik or experimental neurosurgery is a keg in the corner. |
- Dave W. (Private Msg, EMail)
Evidently, I rock!
Why not question something for a change?
Visit Dave's Psoriasis Info, too. |
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R.Wreck
SFN Regular
USA
1191 Posts |
Posted - 08/15/2005 : 17:27:01 [Permalink]
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quote:
Originally posted by Dr. Mabuse:
quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Originally posted by R.Wreck
Originally posted by Ricky:
25. Never, ever, have these three things in the same room: dog, alcohol, peanut butter.
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I'll second that. Damn dog got drunk and thought it would be funny to put peanut butter in my shoes!
Are you sure is was peanut-butter?[/quote]
Yeah, that dog wasn't a mean drunk! The hamster on the other hand... |
The foundation of morality is to . . . give up pretending to believe that for which there is no evidence, and repeating unintelligible propositions about things beyond the possibliities of knowledge.
T. H. Huxley
The Cattle Prod of Enlightened Compassion
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