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HalfMooner
Dingaling
Philippines
15831 Posts |
 Posted - 11/12/2006 : 20:10:25
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Examining Nessie is No Wee Job
Inverness, November 12 (Exclusive to The Scotsman) -- Examining a patient can be more complex when that patient weighs several tonnes, and is mythical.
It required a team of about fifty vets, priests, biologists, engineers, carnival roustabouts, druids, and divers to complete this year's annual health checkup for the Loch Ness Monster.
A monster of a task: Check-up time for Nessie.
Cryptoveterinarian Dr Scot "Scotty" MacScott, who joined the examination team for the first time this year, remarked, "I've examined many mythical creatures, but Nessie was the most challenging patient I've ever worked with. With the Yeti, for instance, all you have to do is shoot him with a tranquiliser dart, then get six big lads to lay him out on an extra-long examination table. It's all straightforward work after that. Even Mokele Mbembe is an easier subject than Nessie to work with, being a gentle, vegetarian land animal. Just slip a sack over his head, and he becomes quite placid."
Dr MacScott continued, "Examining the Loch Ness Monster is a complex, multidisciplinary task. The labour must be perfectly choreographed. Even assuming you could fire enough tranquiliser into her with some kind of harpoon gun, this creature would likely slip under the Loch and drown before we could get to her. So we have to first attract her with druidical spells, then wrestle her into a gigantic sling for the examination, all the while keeping her wet, whilst having a team of priests chanting exorcisms to calm her. And remember, she's no wee lass, is Nessie."
Other than a few internal parasites, for which she was treated, Nessie was given a clean bill of health.
Annual health examinations for the Loch Ness Monster began in 1952, and are funded by the Scotland Tourism Authority.
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“Biology is just physics that has begun to smell bad.” —HalfMooner
Here's a link to Moonscape News, and one to its Archive. |
Edited by - HalfMooner on 11/13/2006 06:27:43
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Ricky
SFN Die Hard
USA
4907 Posts |
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HalfMooner
Dingaling
Philippines
15831 Posts |
Posted - 11/13/2006 : 01:41:50 [Permalink]
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You may need to call in a hypothetical dragon-healer to check that beast, Ricky. And thanks for the encouragement!
Edited to add: I saw that photo on the Science & Space page at CNN.com. It was supposed to show a whale shark being checked out at a major ocean aquarium. But it could be anything, from that shot. I thought of Nessie, and the story wrote itself.
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“Biology is just physics that has begun to smell bad.” —HalfMooner
Here's a link to Moonscape News, and one to its Archive. |
| Edited by - HalfMooner on 11/13/2006 02:06:28 |
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filthy
SFN Die Hard
USA
14408 Posts |
Posted - 11/13/2006 : 05:07:16 [Permalink]
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quote:
Annual health examinations for the Loch Ness Monster began in 1952, and are funded by the Scotland Tourism Authority.
Indeed!
But y'know, that might have a ring of commercial truth about it. Tourist cash is considered free money everywhere, and any way to attract it, fair or foul, is OK with those who recieve it.
Hey, send this off to some travel agent somewhere, then monitor their ads.... 
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"What luck for rulers that men do not think." -- Adolf Hitler (1889 - 1945)
"If only we could impeach on the basis of criminal stupidity, 90% of the Rethuglicans and half of the Democrats would be thrown out of office." ~~ P.Z. Myres
"The default position of human nature is to punch the other guy in the face and take his stuff." ~~ Dude
Brother Boot Knife of Warm Humanitarianism,
and Crypto-Communist! 
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HalfMooner
Dingaling
Philippines
15831 Posts |
Posted - 11/13/2006 : 05:32:34 [Permalink]
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quote:
Originally posted by filthy
quote:
Annual health examinations for the Loch Ness Monster began in 1952, and are funded by the Scotland Tourism Authority.
Indeed!
But y'know, that might have a ring of commercial truth about it. Tourist cash is considered free money everywhere, and any way to attract it, fair or foul, is OK with those who recieve it.
Hey, send this off to some travel agent somewhere, then monitor their ads....
I imagined you were there, fil, as an interpreter translating between the vets and the roustabouts.
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“Biology is just physics that has begun to smell bad.” —HalfMooner
Here's a link to Moonscape News, and one to its Archive. |
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filthy
SFN Die Hard
USA
14408 Posts |
Posted - 11/13/2006 : 07:53:08 [Permalink]
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quote:
Originally posted by HalfMooner
quote:
Originally posted by filthy
quote:
Annual health examinations for the Loch Ness Monster began in 1952, and are funded by the Scotland Tourism Authority.
Indeed!
But y'know, that might have a ring of commercial truth about it. Tourist cash is considered free money everywhere, and any way to attract it, fair or foul, is OK with those who recieve it.
Hey, send this off to some travel agent somewhere, then monitor their ads....
I imagined you were there, fil, as an interpreter translating between the vets and the roustabouts.
I'm fluent in Roustabout but my command of Veterinarian is a tad shakey. Be happy to take over the cookhouse, though. Nessie a'la orange or done cajun-style as file' Nessie gumbo sounds very tasty. And we'd probably have enough left over to make a decent batch of hash.
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"What luck for rulers that men do not think." -- Adolf Hitler (1889 - 1945)
"If only we could impeach on the basis of criminal stupidity, 90% of the Rethuglicans and half of the Democrats would be thrown out of office." ~~ P.Z. Myres
"The default position of human nature is to punch the other guy in the face and take his stuff." ~~ Dude
Brother Boot Knife of Warm Humanitarianism,
and Crypto-Communist!
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HalfMooner
Dingaling
Philippines
15831 Posts |
Posted - 11/13/2006 : 12:45:13 [Permalink]
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Is it always about cooking and eating with you, fil? Even if they enjoyed the actual consumption of your blackened lake-serpent as much as they like haggis, I suspect the Scotland Tourism Authority would not appreciate the economic results of your culinary choices.
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“Biology is just physics that has begun to smell bad.” —HalfMooner
Here's a link to Moonscape News, and one to its Archive. |
| Edited by - HalfMooner on 11/13/2006 12:47:52 |
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