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Dr Shari
Skeptic Friend
135 Posts |
 Posted - 02/09/2002 : 23:33:14
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This first joke always upsets the Catholic side of the family.
A young preist runs into the Popes privare quarters in the Vatican and announces "I have good new and some bad new," The Pope smiles kindly at the young priest and says "Tell me the good news first." The young preist smiles happily and announces that Christ has come again. 'Why that is wonderful!" Says the Pope. "What could possibly be the bad news" " He was born in Salt Lake City." Replies the young preist.
This one gets to my funda mentalist sister.
Jesus has been taken to Golgotha, nailed to the cross and is hung to be crusified. Mary, his Mother, and Simon Peter are at he bottom of the hill and crying at the imminate death of their Lord when Simon Peter hears Jesus call to him. "Simon. Simon. Come here I must tell you something. So braving the armed Roman Guards Simon fights his way up most of the hill before he is beaten and sent plunging back to the bottom of the hill. Laying there gasping to catch his breath he hears"Simon,Simon. Come here I have something to show you." Again he answers his Saviors cries and tries to gain the summitt of the hill to be next to his God but before he gets there the Romans stop him again and send him back down bloody and broken. But when the third call comes from Jesus for Simon and he knows he must go. So summoning the last of his strength he makes it to Jesus side and calls out to him, "Fear not Lord I have not forsaken thee. I am here. What is it you need from me?" Jesus looks down on Simon then gazes off at the city and says "I can see your house from up here."
Ok if you,ve heard them before but to me they are very funny.
Death: The High Cost of Living
It is easier to get forgiveness then to get permission!
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James
SFN Regular
USA
754 Posts |
Posted - 02/10/2002 : 17:55:48 [Permalink]
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quote:
This first joke always upsets the Catholic side of the family.
A young preist runs into the Popes privare quarters in the Vatican and announces "I have good new and some bad new," The Pope smiles kindly at the young priest and says "Tell me the good news first." The young preist smiles happily and announces that Christ has come again. 'Why that is wonderful!" Says the Pope. "What could possibly be the bad news" " He was born in Salt Lake City." Replies the young preist.
I don't get this last one...
quote:
This one gets to my funda mentalist sister.
Jesus has been taken to Golgotha, nailed to the cross and is hung to be crusified. Mary, his Mother, and Simon Peter are at he bottom of the hill and crying at the imminate death of their Lord when Simon Peter hears Jesus call to him. "Simon. Simon. Come here I must tell you something. So braving the armed Roman Guards Simon fights his way up most of the hill before he is beaten and sent plunging back to the bottom of the hill. Laying there gasping to catch his breath he hears"Simon,Simon. Come here I have something to show you." Again he answers his Saviors cries and tries to gain the summitt of the hill to be next to his God but before he gets there the Romans stop him again and send him back down bloody and broken. But when the third call comes from Jesus for Simon and he knows he must go. So summoning the last of his strength he makes it to Jesus side and calls out to him, "Fear not Lord I have not forsaken thee. I am here. What is it you need from me?" Jesus looks down on Simon then gazes off at the city and says "I can see your house from up here."
ROTFLOL 
"Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your common sense." -Buddha |
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Trish
SFN Addict
USA
2102 Posts |
Posted - 02/10/2002 : 18:04:31 [Permalink]
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quote:
quote:
This first joke always upsets the Catholic side of the family.
A young preist runs into the Popes privare quarters in the Vatican and announces "I have good new and some bad new," The Pope smiles kindly at the young priest and says "Tell me the good news first." The young preist smiles happily and announces that Christ has come again. 'Why that is wonderful!" Says the Pope. "What could possibly be the bad news" " He was born in Salt Lake City." Replies the young preist.
I don't get this last one...
Pope = Catholic
Salt Lake City = Mormon
Jesus = Mormon
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There is no better demonstration of the folly of human conceits than this distant image of our world. It underscores our responsibility to deal more kindly with one another, to preserve and cherish the pale blue dot, the only home we've known. Sagan |
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Bradley
Skeptic Friend
USA
147 Posts |
Posted - 02/11/2002 : 09:46:45 [Permalink]
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A priest and a rabbi are personal friends, and often visit each others' homes. However, when wine flows, tongues loosen.
One evening, when they were in their cups, the priest remarked, "You know, Phil, I don't want you should take this the wrong way, but I always found the ban on pork a little strange. No offense, but I always thought that was a funny rule."
"Well, Mike," replied the rabbi, "You've studied some of the same things in seminary that I studied in rabbinical school, comparative religion and such, and I'm sure you're aware that the ban on pork goes back to the Mosaic law, so it's a very ancient tradition in our faith. And since we're being so brutally frank here, allow me to say that I always found priestly celibacy a little strange - no offense, but I always thought that was kind of a funny rule."
"Well," said the priest, warming to the topic, "The requirement of celibacy for priests in our faith goes back at least a thousand years, so while it's nowhere near as old as the Mosaic law, it nonetheless qualifies as an ancient tradition also. But level with me - " and here the priest leaned conspiritorially toward the rabbi "Have you ever tried pork?"
"Yes, I've tried it," admitted the rabbi.
"And did you like it?" inquired the priest.
"Yes," replied the rabbi, "I liked it. So, now, mister smart guy, you level with me - have you ever had sex?"
"Well, I, er, uh, no," replied the flustered clergyman.
"Well," said the rabbi, "It sure beats the hell out of pork, let me tell you."
"Too much doubt is better than too much credulity."
-Robert Green Ingersoll (1833 - 1899) |
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James
SFN Regular
USA
754 Posts |
Posted - 02/12/2002 : 07:47:21 [Permalink]
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What Religion is Your Bra
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk?
"Type?" inquires the man, "There is more than one type?"
"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed him a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from."
Relieved, the man asked about the types.
The saleslady replied, "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist bra. Which one would you prefer?"
Now befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple.
The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen.
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and
The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills."
"Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your common sense." -Buddha |
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Espritch
Skeptic Friend
USA
284 Posts |
Posted - 02/16/2002 : 12:11:52 [Permalink]
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quote:
Bar scene
President Bush, Donald Rumsfeld and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the bartender, "Isn't that Bush, Rumsfeld and Powell sitting over there?"
Bartender says, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"
Bush says, "We're planning WW III".
And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Rumsfeld says, "Well, we're going to kill 25 million Iraqis this time and one bicycle repairman."
The guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman?Why kill a bicycle repairman?"
Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See, smart ass?! I told you no one would worry about the 25 million Iraqis!"
P.S. My apologies to Gorgo in advance.
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Archistrategos
New Member
28 Posts |
Posted - 02/16/2002 : 13:55:13 [Permalink]
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Hope you haven't read this yet. 
1-800-psych
Hello, welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask some one to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3,4,5 and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay in line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a voice will tell you wich number to press.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the # key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone, date of birth, social security number and your mothers maiden name.
If you have post traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have masochistic complex, please press"0" for the operator. There are 200 calls ahead of you.
If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answere.
Here, one more!
"Participants" wanted
A Stanford Medical research group advertised for participants in a study of obsessive-compulsive disorder. They were looking for therapy clients who had been diagnosed with this disorder. The response was gratifying, they got 3,000 responses about three days after the ad came out. All from the same person.
That's all folks! 
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James
SFN Regular
USA
754 Posts |
Posted - 02/17/2002 : 15:49:52 [Permalink]
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quote:
Bar scene
President Bush, Donald Rumsfeld and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the bartender, "Isn't that Bush, Rumsfeld and Powell sitting over there?"
Bartender says, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"
Bush says, "We're planning WW III".
And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Rumsfeld says, "Well, we're going to kill 25 million Iraqis this time and one bicycle repairman."
The guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman?Why kill a bicycle repairman?"
Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See, smart ass?! I told you no one would worry about the 25 million Iraqis!"
ROTFLMAO
Perfect!
"Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your common sense." -Buddha |
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Bradley
Skeptic Friend
USA
147 Posts |
Posted - 02/28/2002 : 10:35:01 [Permalink]
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I knew a guy who was a paranoid dyslexic agnostic insomniac. He used to lie awake at night losing sleep worrying about whether or not there was a dog under the bed.
"Too much doubt is better than too much credulity."
-Robert Green Ingersoll (1833 - 1899) |
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