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Kil
Evil Skeptic
USA
13477 Posts |
 Posted - 03/07/2002 : 19:15:18
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Subject: French Intellectuals to be Deployed in Afghanistan to Convince
Taliban of Non-Existence of God
The ground war in Afghanistan heated up yesterday when the Allies
revealed plans to airdrop a platoon of crack French existentialist
philosophers into the country to destroy the morale of Taliban
zealots by proving the non-existence of God. Elements from the
feared Jean-Paul Sartre Brigade, or 'Black Berets', will be
parachuted into the combat zones to spread doubt, despondency and
existential anomie among the enemy.
Hardened by numerous intellectual battles fought during their long
occupation of Paris's Left Bank, their first action will be to
establish a number of pavement cafes at strategic points near the
front lines. There they will drink coffee and talk animatedly about
the absurd nature of life and man's lonely isolation in the universe.
They will be accompanied by a number of heartbreakingly beautiful
girlfriends who will further spread dismay by sticking their
tongues in the philosophers' ears every five minutes and looking
remote and unattainable to everyone else.
Their leader, Colonel Marc-Ange Belmondo, spoke yesterday of his
confidence in the success of their mission. Sorbonne graduate
Belmondo, a very intense and unshaven young man in a black
pullover, gesticulated wildly and said, "The Taliban are caught
in a logical fallacy of the most ridiculous. There is no God and I
can prove it. Take your tongue out of my ear, Juliet, I am talking."
Marc-Ange plans to deliver an impassioned thesis on man's
nauseating freedom of action with special reference to the work of
Foucault and the films of Alfred Hitchcock. However, humanitarian
agencies have been quick to condemn the operation as inhumane,
pointing out that the effects of passive smoking from the
Frenchmen's endless Gitanes could wreak a terrible toll on
civilians in the area.
Speculation was mounting last night that Britain may also
contribute to the effort by dropping Professor Stephen Hawking into
Afghanistan to propagate his non-deistic theory of the creation of
the universe.
This is only one of several Psy-Ops operations mounted by the
Allies to undermine the unswerving religious fanaticism that fuels
the Taliban's fighting spirit. Pentagon sources have recently
confirmed rumours that America has already sent in a 200-foot-tall
robot Jesus, which roams the Taliban front lines glowing eerily and
shooting flames out of its fingers while saying, "I am the way, the
truth, and the life. Follow me or die."
The Evil Skeptic
Uncertainty may make you uncomfortable. Certainty makes you ridiculous.
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Piltdown
Skeptic Friend
USA
312 Posts |
Posted - 03/08/2002 : 00:52:56 [Permalink]
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Bloodthirsty militarist that I am, I can easily endorse (or at least tolerate) daisy-cutters, cluster bombs, mustard gas, flamethrowers, and napalm. But this! Why, it's depraved, barbaric, inhuman. Attila the Hun wouldn't have used it. Even Thatcher and Reagan might have hesitated. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, which is exactly what is being proposed, come to think of it.
Then again, like my hero, Winston Churchill, I can, however, recover from my initial revulsion and analyze the advantages. Here we have a weapon that would drive the enemy to suicide and despair in short order. On the other hand; our own leader, Bush the Lesser, is immune to any kind of intellectual attack, even one based on Euro-elitist quackery. Its application could be extended into the cultural hinterland. We could ship the Sartre Brigade to Branson and Nashville to subvert and neutralize the redneck element, thereby depriving creationists of major support. They could infiltrate the alternate medicine community, causing thousands to defect to scientific medicine simply to escape the crushing boredom and ennui. The possibilities are endless, but are any of us really that ruthless? Better to nuke our enemies than unleash the dreaded Sartre Brigade, our consciences will thank us for it.
Abducting UFOs and conspiring against conspiracy theorists since 1980. |
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ronnywhite
SFN Regular
501 Posts |
Posted - 03/08/2002 : 01:04:22 [Permalink]
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After the French sofen' em' up, maybe having a pipe smoking Hef and the Playmate entourage hit them with a second-tier assault would be more useful. The Barbie Twins could deliver the coup de grace, likely receive bronze stars, revive their careers, and make cool recruiting commercials. A flamethrowing Jesus just might backfire and drivem' back to Allah for good, I'm afraid.
Ron White |
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Mespo_man
Skeptic Friend
USA
312 Posts |
Posted - 03/08/2002 : 06:02:18 [Permalink]
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I think America should unveil IT'S secret weapon of depravity. Arrange a marriage between a senior al Quada commander and Ann Nicole Smith. She only won 88 million bucks in the estate settlement. That probably won't see her through the month of March.
(:raig |
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Mespo_man
Skeptic Friend
USA
312 Posts |
Posted - 03/08/2002 : 06:18:54 [Permalink]
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Another reason why Ann Nicole Smith is the perfect "mole" (she probably has several, but I digress).
Bush & Co. are concerned with freezing the enemy's financial assets. Ann, on the other hand, knows how to grab those ASSets and then spend them.
"Hell hath no fury as a woman scorned."
(:raig |
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Lisa
SFN Regular
USA
1223 Posts |
Posted - 03/08/2002 : 09:38:12 [Permalink]
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All these suggestions will cause quite a bit of angst and confusion. We'll need an additional airdrop to help these folks out, and I suggest we send experts in the field. Jenny Jones, Geraldo, Jerry Springer, Rikki Lake, and Montel should be able to help everyone talk through their problems.
Lisa
If you're not living on the edge, you're taking up too much room. |
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@tomic
Administrator
USA
4607 Posts |
Posted - 03/08/2002 : 09:45:36 [Permalink]
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Good call Lisa! I can only add that we should seal our borders after they leave.
@tomic
Gravity, not just a good idea...it's the law! |
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Trish
SFN Addict
USA
2102 Posts |
Posted - 03/11/2002 : 10:59:13 [Permalink]
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Um, before we seal the borders, ya think we could send Sylvia Browne, John Edwards, and Miss Cleo?
---
There is no better demonstration of the folly of human conceits than this distant image of our world. It underscores our responsibility to deal more kindly with one another, to preserve and cherish the pale blue dot, the only home we've known. Sagan |
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James
SFN Regular
USA
754 Posts |
Posted - 03/11/2002 : 12:27:33 [Permalink]
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[quote]
Um, before we seal the borders, ya think we could send Sylvia Browne, John Edwards, and Miss Cleo?[/quote]
How about we send every single fundie in America and seal their borders. Make everyone else in the world happy, and that way we can keep an eye on all them. Who knows, maybe they'll destroy each other.
"Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your common sense." -Buddha |
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ronnywhite
SFN Regular
501 Posts |
Posted - 03/11/2002 : 15:02:38 [Permalink]
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I like all suggestions, but I fear that if we lose this war, any or all of the above (except that involving the tasteful French) will get us in big trouble at the war crimes trial to follow, and we'll pay a terrible price for our unspeakable tactics.
Ron White |
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Xev
Skeptic Friend
USA
329 Posts |
Posted - 03/11/2002 : 18:22:39 [Permalink]
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You forget that, as <i>French</i> intellectuals, they will surrender at the drop of a hat.
How absurd!
Thought constitutes the greatness of man -Pascal |
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ktesibios
SFN Regular
USA
505 Posts |
Posted - 03/11/2002 : 20:48:57 [Permalink]
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C'mon now guys, this is war we're talking about, after all.
Perhaps this principle could be applied to some more traditional warlike aims, for example, wrecking your enemy's technological infrastructure and inflicting physical harm.
To that end, I'd like to nominate a few candidates for the airdrop: Joe Newman, Dennis Lee, Hulda Clark, Stanislaw Burzynski...perhaps with good diplomacy we could get the Australians to chip in the Lutec free energy guys...
We could call 'em the Fighting Quackpots, which opens up some cool possibilities for a unit insignia.
Boris Karloff died for your sins. |
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