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Marc_a_b
Skeptic Friend
USA
142 Posts |
 Posted - 03/13/2002 : 11:41:53
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From topfive.com
March 13, 2002
NOTE FROM CHRIS:
Warning: If you are among those who believe that God has
no sense of humor, you might want to stop reading here.
Just delete this e-mail, and have a nice day. Seriously.
Don't read it, then get all bent out of shape, okay?
Because I warned you! Don't forget: Thou Shalt Not Flame.
Okay, if you're still with us, you think that the deity of
your choice invented beans and banana peels for a reason.
Either that, or you just like the idea of burning in hell.
This one is destined to ruffle some angel feathers...
The Top 15 Pick-Up Lines Used by God
(Part I)
15> "Hey, baby. Temptation's down this way."
14> "You don't know me, but you've been shouting my name
for years."
13> "Well, hello there!"
[flips open cell phone]
"Hey, Peter, are we missing an angel?"
12> "Hey, baby. Buy you a planet?"
11> "If I remember correctly, when I made you, I broke the mold."
10> "Oh, for Christ's sake, you drink my blood every Sunday --
this ain't gonna kill ya!"
9> "[*Psssst! Are you there, Margaret? It's me, God. I'm in
your brain. See the guy to your left -- the one with the
long beard? I command you to sleep with him.*]"
8> "As a matter of fact, I *am* my gift to women!"
7> "Number 11: Thou Shalt Quit Resisting My Advances and Hold
Thy Foxy Young Self Against Me."
6> "What's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?
Oh, right -- Eve... the apple... me kicking you people
out of Eden. My bad."
5> "I've got a plague of lovin' in my pants that I'd love to
bring upon you."
4> "I bet I can find your G-spot. In fact, I remember exactly
where I put it."
3> "My only son died years ago, so we've got my place all to
ourselves."
2> "I need your help with a philosophical question: Can I make
someone so bootylicious that even I can't please them?"
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Pick-Up Line Used by God...
1> "Uh, oh! Looks like someone's been eating from the Tree of
Huge Knockers."
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2002 by Chris White ]
RUNNERS UP list -- Thou Shalt Not Laugh
------------------------------------------------------------------
"Ever done it Goddie style?"
(Dave Juurlink, Toronto, Canada)
"Honey, let me take a look at you... damn, I'm good!"
(George T. MacMillan, Shillington, PA)
"I've got a hot tub back at my place that will wash away your sins
-- then we can replace them with new ones!"
(Brad Osberg, Calgary, Canada)
"It's okay, the Holy Ghost just likes to watch."
(John Mozena, Grosse Pointe Woods, MI)
"Of course we're perfect for one another - you were made according to my design specs!"
(Joseph Moore, Concord, CA)
(Kristie Black, Toronto, Canada)
"Say, since you're on your knees and thinking of me already..."
(Sandra Hull, Arlington, VA)
"So, do you leave with me tonight, or do I go home and smite
myself?"
(Brian Jones, Atlanta, GA)
"Wanna hook up? I'm only asking to be nice -- it's not like you
have much choice in the matter."
(Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ)
"You *do* want to come up to my place later, don't you?"
(Larry Hollister, Concord, CA)
Runner Up list name
(Larry Hollister, Concord, CA)
------------------------------------------------------------------
Pick-Up Lines Used by God (Part I)
HONORABLE MENTION list -- God Awful
------------------------------------------------------------------
"Babe, have I got a 'divine intervention' for you."
(Greg Preece, Toronto, Canada)
"Baby, if I'd known about *you*, there'd only have been seven
Commandments."
(Andy Ihnatko, Boston, MA)
"C'mon, sweetheart, don't make the omnipotent creator of the
universe beg."
(Joseph Moore, Concord, CA)
"Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven, did it hurt? No really,
I'm curious."
(Shel Rozan, Montreal, Canada)
"Do you like The Rolling Stones? I can introduce you to Keith
Richards three weeks from Wednesday."
(Andy Ihnatko, Boston, MA)
"Haven't I created you somewhere before?"
(Anne Sholl, Trenton, NJ)
"I could turn that water into wine, but we'll need to get out of
these wet clothes."
(Tom Louderback, Boston, MA)
"It took me 7 days to make the world, how many would it take me to
make you?"
(Carla Brandon, San Diego, CA)
"People tell me I have the body of a god. They're right, of
course."
(Matt Moore, Fresno, CA)
"Suffer you to come unto me, baby!"
(Kristie Black, Toronto, Canada)
"Watching you in the shower every morning is better than
confession day after Mardi Gras!"
(Kristie Black, Toronto, Canada)
"Ya know, I could really rock your world. Come to think of it, I
probably already have."
(Barbara McMahon, Ann Arbor, MI)
"Your universe or mine?"
(Anne Sholl, Trenton, NJ)
Honorable Mention list name
(Doug Finney, Houston, TX)
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filthy
SFN Die Hard
USA
14408 Posts |
 Posted - 03/13/2002 : 13:29:38 [Permalink]
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This all assumns the the Great and Caustic Mojo is male. What if He's a She?
"Hi sailor. Lookin' for a good time?"
f
"Don't tell me your doubts; I've got enough doubts of my own. Tell me something you BELIEVE in!"
Brother Dave Gardner |
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James
SFN Regular
USA
754 Posts |
Posted - 03/13/2002 : 18:07:26 [Permalink]
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Those are so bad, they're funny!
ROTFLOL  
"Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your common sense." -Buddha |
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DVF
Skeptic Friend
USA
96 Posts |
Posted - 03/13/2002 : 19:07:45 [Permalink]
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Well.... how big do you want it to be?
"Know what, if you were in a building, and it was on fire, I'd rescue you."
- My Son 3/5/2002 |
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Mr. Spock
Skeptic Friend
USA
99 Posts |
Posted - 03/14/2002 : 04:30:32 [Permalink]
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Very funny. The sad thing, however, is that "god's proxies" are using more subtle forms of these lines to talk their (often underage) parishoners into some hanky-panky.
"3 out of 4 people now believe in angels. Whaddaya #*!! stupid?!"
--George Carlin |
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Marc_a_b
Skeptic Friend
USA
142 Posts |
Posted - 03/14/2002 : 14:14:06 [Permalink]
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The Top 15 Pick-Up Lines Used by God
(Part II)
15> "So, what sign did I give you?"
14> "Wanna feel the earth move? Not a problem."
13> "I already made you in my own image, now let me make you
in my own bedroom."
12> "Actually, no. I said I was OMNIpotent."
11> "...and on the seventh day, we can rest, too."
10> "Sure, you can go home with anyone you want -- but remember
that I *invented* the multiple orgasm."
9> "Who's your father? C'mon, whoooooo's your father??"
8> "Heaven must be missing an angel... no, wait, it's not,
I just checked. That means hell is missing a hottie --
and babe, you're it!"
7> "If I gave you a beautiful body, would you hold it
against me?"
6> "Looks like I'm not the only one with a burning bush."
5> "Did I mention I can introduce you to Bono? Hell, I can
introduce you to *Sonny* Bono!"
4> "My place or yours? Oh, wait -- they're ALL my places."
3> "Smite me if I'm wrong, but didn't I see your picture
in the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue?"
2> "And on the eighth day, I said, 'Let there be booty!'
And it was all good."
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Pick-Up Line Used by God...
1> "Hey, remember your kitty who died when you were 5?
He's back at my apartment -- want to see him?"
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2002 by Chris White ]
RUNNERS UP list -- Savior Applause
------------------------------------------------------------------
"A virgin? Nah, not a problem for me."
(Larry Hollister, Concord, CA)
"Babe, you're giving me a pillar that ain't made of salt!"
(Joseph Prisco, Ithaca, NY)
"Baby, it took me six days to make the Earth, but I can make you
the happiest woman alive in half an hour."
(Whit Watson, West Hartford, CT)
"Hey, you feelin' all right? 'Cause if not, my rod and my staff
can comfort thee."
(Amanda Paulette, Blacksburg, VA)
"I am that I am... and you're pretty fine, yourself."
(John Mozena, Grosse Pointe Woods, MI)
"I'm not only omnipresent and omniscient... I'm omnipositional."
(George T. MacMillan, Shillington, PA)
"Is that a burnt offering, or are you just happy to see Me?"
(Fran Fruit, Winnetka, IL)
"Is this prayer taken?"
(Marsha Clodfelter, Corpus Christi, TX)
"It's omnipresence, not stalking!"
(Peter Casper, Brisbane, Australia)
Runner Up list name
(Larry Hollister, Concord, CA)
------------------------------------------------------------------
Pick-Up Lines Used by God (Part II)
HONORABLE MENTION list -- Not a Prayer
------------------------------------------------------------------
"Care for some more wine? Waiter! Another Evian, please!"
(Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ)
"Hey, you look familiar. Weren't you beget from Steve beget from
Gregory beget from Winthrop beget from Tito beget from..."
(John Gephart IV, Harrisburg, PA)
"How do you like these odds: I've been around since before time
began and only gotten *one* chick pregnant."
(George T. MacMillan, Shillington, PA)
"If I said you had a great body, would you hold it against me?"
(God can actually make this line work. That's why *He's* God and
*your* date for Saturday night is a "Girls Gone Wild" video.)
(Andy Ihnatko, Boston, MA)
"Remember: I can see the future, and you're REALLY glad you said
'Yes.'"
(Andrew Thomas, Omaha, NE)
"Sex with me is like a foursome."
(Jeffrey Anbinder, New York, NY)
"So, do you come here often? If not, I can see to it that you
burn in eternal hell."
(Sue Lin Chong, Washington, DC)
"Stop wasting everything I gave you on these losers and let me buy
you a drink."
(Brad Osberg, Calgary, Canada)
"Trust me, I've seen a lot of heavenly bodies, and yours is
definitely in the top 15 percent."
(Sue Lin Chong, Washington, DC)
"Wanna pull my finger... on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel?"
(David G. Scott, Kansas City, MO)
"You are *way* fine -- so help me me!"
(Wade Kwon, Birmingham, AL)
"You must be tired. You've been running through my omniscient,
omnipotent mind all night."
(David G. Scott, Kansas City, MO)
"You've heard that 'God is Love'? Well, I'm here to tell ya..."
(Anne Sholl, Trenton, NJ)
Honorable Mention list name
(Fran Fruit, Winnetka, IL)
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James
SFN Regular
USA
754 Posts |
Posted - 03/14/2002 : 15:07:48 [Permalink]
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Another beautiful list, Marc_a_b.
ROTFLOL
"Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your common sense." -Buddha |
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Trish
SFN Addict
USA
2102 Posts |
Posted - 03/15/2002 : 12:11:57 [Permalink]
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quote:
"Baby, it took me six days to make the Earth, but I can make you
the happiest woman alive in half an hour."
(Whit Watson, West Hartford, CT)
That's IT!? Half an hour? Yeesh! Think he needs to learn somethings.
---
There is no better demonstration of the folly of human conceits than this distant image of our world. It underscores our responsibility to deal more kindly with one another, to preserve and cherish the pale blue dot, the only home we've known. Sagan |
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Megan
Skeptic Friend
USA
163 Posts |
Posted - 03/15/2002 : 12:58:27 [Permalink]
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quote:
quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Baby, it took me six days to make the Earth, but I can make you
the happiest woman alive in half an hour."
(Whit Watson, West Hartford, CT)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
That's IT!? Half an hour? Yeesh! Think he needs to learn somethings.
*This is when I walk out of the room... blushing.*
Well at least it's not as bad as some of the conversations I've had with my parents!!
~Megan~
BTW, I'm a 15 year old that never stops asking questions(=P).
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Bradley
Skeptic Friend
USA
147 Posts |
Posted - 03/15/2002 : 13:13:45 [Permalink]
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Well, I have pointed out elsewhere that maybe the world would be better if jehovah went out on a date and got a little action now and then.
"Too much doubt is better than too much credulity."
-Robert Green Ingersoll (1833 - 1899) |
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Marc_a_b
Skeptic Friend
USA
142 Posts |
Posted - 03/16/2002 : 19:37:32 [Permalink]
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quote:
quote:
"Baby, it took me six days to make the Earth, but I can make you
the happiest woman alive in half an hour."
(Whit Watson, West Hartford, CT)
That's IT!? Half an hour? Yeesh! Think he needs to learn somethings.
or get to a gym and work on that stanima. I mean he was able to go six days of heavy labor long ago. Now he's out after a half hour? Gee, I can beat that easy! 
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filthy
SFN Die Hard
USA
14408 Posts |
Posted - 03/16/2002 : 20:03:40 [Permalink]
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"Baby, I can take you to paradise!"
"Don't tell me your doubts; I've got enough doubts of my own. Tell me something you BELIEVE in!"
Brother Dave Gardner |
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@tomic
Administrator
USA
4607 Posts |
Posted - 03/16/2002 : 20:24:05 [Permalink]
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This seemed to short for it's own topic. So I am adding it here! And just in time for St. pat's Day.
My favorite St. Patrick's Day pickup line:
You must be Irish, because my penis is Dublin.
@tomic
Gravity, not just a good idea...it's the law! |
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James
SFN Regular
USA
754 Posts |
Posted - 03/16/2002 : 21:02:31 [Permalink]
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quote:
My favorite St. Patrick's Day pickup line:
You must be Irish, because my penis is Dublin.
That's a good one, @tomic.
"Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your common sense." -Buddha
Edited by - James on 03/16/2002 21:03:12 |
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Megan
Skeptic Friend
USA
163 Posts |
Posted - 03/16/2002 : 22:25:06 [Permalink]
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Oh my God! I should of stayed out of here after my last post  . No, it's ok, I can handle it...
~Megan~
BTW, I'm a 15 year old that never stops asking questions(=P). Someday, you'll get sick of me... I know some people have(=P)
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Mr. Spock
Skeptic Friend
USA
99 Posts |
Posted - 03/17/2002 : 05:09:39 [Permalink]
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Good one. I personally like "you got a little Irish in you? No? Would you like some?"
"Great things are not accomplished by those who yeild to trends and fads and popular opinion." --Charles Kuralt |
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