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Lisa
SFN Regular
USA
1223 Posts |
 Posted - 05/06/2002 : 22:55:13 [Permalink]
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Snake, I'm passing that on to my husband. He of "you look okay for a woman your age", and "did those jeans shrink, or is your ass bigger?".
After all the trials and tribulations, he's learned a lot. When one of his young airmen want to get married, he has a little talk with him. Ed points out that we've been together 16 years, and there's three things every man should know:
Yes dear
No dear
Whatever you say dear
Worked okay so far.
Lisa
If you're not living on the edge, you're taking up too much room. |
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Snake
SFN Addict
USA
2511 Posts |
Posted - 05/07/2002 : 00:30:11 [Permalink]
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quote:
Yes dear
No dear
Whatever you say dear
Lisa
Glad I could be of help. 
I probably should have learned that too, like your husband but I've been too stubron.
* * * * * *
*Carabao forever.
-----------------
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease
to be amused. |
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Trish
SFN Addict
USA
2102 Posts |
Posted - 05/08/2002 : 09:56:39 [Permalink]
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A bit from my email.
If you want someone who will do anything to please you, get a dog.
If you want someone who will bring you the newspaper without tearing through it first for the sports page, get a dog.
If you want someone who'll make a total fool of himself because he's so glad to see you, get a dog.
If you want someone who eats whatever you put in front of him and never says his mother made it better, get a dog.
If you want someone who's always eager to go out any time you ask and anywhere you want to go, get a dog.
If you want someone who can scare away burglars without waving a lethal weapon around, endangering you and all the neighbors, get a dog.
If you want someone who never touches the remote, couldn't care less about Monday Night Football, and watches dramatic movies with you as long as you want, get a dog.
If you want someone who'll be content just to snuggle up and keep you warm in bed, and who you can kick out of bed if he slobbers and snores, get a dog.
If you want someone who never criticizes anything you do, doesn't care how good or bad you look, acts as though every word you say is worth hearing, never complains, and loves you unconditionally all the time, get a dog!
On the other hand... If you want someone who never comes when you call him, totally ignores you when you walk in the room, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, prowls around all night and come home only to eat and sleep all day, and acts as though you are there only to see that HE's happy...
Get a CAT!
---
...no one has ever found a 4.5 billion year old stone artifact (at the right geological stratum) with the words "Made by God."
No Sense of Obligation by Matt Young |
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Snake
SFN Addict
USA
2511 Posts |
Posted - 05/11/2002 : 18:48:22 [Permalink]
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You know me, I'm the LAST person in the world to criticize anything a man does but to show I am an equal opportunity employer here: (Someone just sent it to another list that I'm on. I had a good laugh too.)
Classes for Men....
Classes for men at our local learning center for adults-Sign-up by May 30.
Note: Due to the complexity and difficulty level of their contents, each course will accept a maximum of 8 participants each.
Topic 1 - How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays.
Step by step, with slide presentation.
Topic 2 - The Toilet Paper Roll: Do They Grow On The Holders?
Round table discussion.
Topic 3 - Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique of Lifting The Seat Up And Avoiding The Floor/Walls And Nearby Bathtub?
Group practice.
Topic 4 - Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper And The Floor.
Pictures and explanatory graphics.
Topic 5 - The After-Dinner Dishes And Silverware: Can They Levitate And Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on video.
Topic 6 - Loss Of Identity: Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Helpline support and support groups.
Topic 7 - Learning How To Find Things, Starting With Looking In The Right Place Instead Of Turning The House Upside Down
While Screaming.
Open forum.
Topic 8 - Health Watch: Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and audio tape.
Topic 9 - Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost.
Real life testimonials.
Topic 10 - Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly As She Parallel Parks?
Driving simulation.
Topic 11 - Learning To Live: Basic Differences Between Mother And Wife.
Online class and role playing.
Topic 12 - How To Be The Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.
Topic 13 - How To Fight Cerebral Atrophy:
Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries, Other Important Dates And Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
***Upon completion of the course, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
* * * * * *
*Carabao forever.
-----------------
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease
to be amused. |
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James
SFN Regular
USA
754 Posts |
Posted - 05/12/2002 : 05:26:57 [Permalink]
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ROTFLMAO
My dad definitely needs Topic 7.
________________________
Two more years...Two more years...Two more years...Two more years...Two more years...
*whine* |
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James
SFN Regular
USA
754 Posts |
Posted - 05/12/2002 : 15:30:12 [Permalink]
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Random Thoughts
A few thoughts for those who take life too seriously:
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Remember, half the people you know are below average.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Always try to be humble, and be proud of it!
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Everyone has a photographic memory; Some just don't have film.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
AND THE ONE I RELATE TO THE MOST THESE DAYS-
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the heck happened.
________________________
Two more years...Two more years...Two more years...Two more years...Two more years...
*whine* |
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Snake
SFN Addict
USA
2511 Posts |
Posted - 05/12/2002 : 23:33:34 [Permalink]
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quote:
Random Thoughts
A few thoughts for those who take life too seriously:
IMO far too many people do.
quote:
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
LOL
quote:
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Those were great, I actually hadn't heard some of them...or I don't remember hearing them.quote:
Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!
Now, why didn't I think of that!
* * * * * *
*Carabao forever.
-----------------
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease
to be amused. |
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jec96
Skeptic Friend
USA
61 Posts |
Posted - 05/13/2002 : 16:39:50 [Permalink]
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quote:
You know me, I'm the LAST person in the world to criticize anything a man does but to show I am an equal opportunity employer here: (Someone just sent it to another list that I'm on. I had a good laugh too.)
Classes for Men....
Classes for men at our local learning center for adults-Sign-up by May 30.
Note: Due to the complexity and difficulty level of their contents, each course will accept a maximum of 8 participants each.
Topic 1 - How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays.
Step by step, with slide presentation.
Topic 2 - The Toilet Paper Roll: Do They Grow On The Holders?
Round table discussion.
Topic 3 - Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique of Lifting The Seat Up And Avoiding The Floor/Walls And Nearby Bathtub?
Group practice.
Topic 4 - Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper And The Floor.
Pictures and explanatory graphics.
Topic 5 - The After-Dinner Dishes And Silverware: Can They Levitate And Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on video.
Topic 6 - Loss Of Identity: Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Helpline support and support groups.
Topic 7 - Learning How To Find Things, Starting With Looking In The Right Place Instead Of Turning The House Upside Down
While Screaming.
Open forum.
Topic 8 - Health Watch: Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and audio tape.
Topic 9 - Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost.
Real life testimonials.
Topic 10 - Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly As She Parallel Parks?
Driving simulation.
Topic 11 - Learning To Live: Basic Differences Between Mother And Wife.
Online class and role playing.
Topic 12 - How To Be The Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.
Topic 13 - How To Fight Cerebral Atrophy:
Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries, Other Important Dates And Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
***Upon completion of the course, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
* * * * * *
*Carabao forever.
-----------------
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease
to be amused.
Been talking to my wife again, eh?
-It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.
Aristotle
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Omega
Skeptic Friend
Denmark
164 Posts |
Posted - 05/13/2002 : 17:27:18 [Permalink]
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"Classes for Men" and "Random Thoughts"...
Haaaaarhahahahahahahah :)
Humour, wee. I love it!
"All it takes to fly is to fling yourself at the ground... and miss."
- Douglas Adams |
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Starman
SFN Regular
Sweden
1613 Posts |
Posted - 05/14/2002 : 00:37:48 [Permalink]
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quote:
Classes for Men....
Topic 13 - Handling "The Imelda Marcos Syndrom".
Explore why your woman need an infinite amount of shoes.
Learn to make room for them.
"God-as revealed in his book of edicts and narratives is practically an idiot. He has nothing to say that any sensible person should want to listen to."
-- Johann Most
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Lisa
SFN Regular
USA
1223 Posts |
Posted - 05/14/2002 : 02:56:50 [Permalink]
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quote:
quote:
Classes for Men....
Topic 13 - Handling "The Imelda Marcos Syndrom".
Explore why your woman need an infinite amount of shoes.
Learn to make room for them.
"God-as revealed in his book of edicts and narratives is practically an idiot. He has nothing to say that any sensible person should want to listen to."
-- Johann Most
Golf shoes, tennis shoes, and flips flops. There really is more to life! Alternatives.
Fashion show with complete makeovers!
If you're not living on the edge, you're taking up too much room. |
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NubiWan
Skeptic Friend
USA
424 Posts |
Posted - 05/22/2002 : 22:54:01 [Permalink]
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Just ran accross this groaner and had to inflict it on somebody. Yer tha winner!
In a certain Native American nation, the wives of the Chief and two of the tribal elders were all expecting babies about the same time. Now this particular people had a custom whereby the mother would give birth on a specially selected animal skin.
As the great day approached, the birthing teepees were prepared and, in accordance with tribal tradition, the first tribal elder chose a deerskin for his wife to lie on. After a brief confinement, she gave birth to a robust, healthy son.
The second tribal elder's wife lay on a buffalo skin and eventually presented her proud husband with a beautiful baby daughter.
The Chief, not to be outdone, had had a hippopotamus skin imported at great expense from Africa. Upon it, his wife, attended by the wise women of her people, soon gave birth to twins - a bonny baby boy and a lovely little girl.
Which goes to prove that the Squaw on the Hippopotamus is Equal to the Sum of the Squaws on the Other Two Hides!
"If we believe absurdities, we shall commit atrocities." -Voltaire |
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Espritch
Skeptic Friend
USA
284 Posts |
Posted - 05/23/2002 : 17:51:12 [Permalink]
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Which brings up New York City's failed mime control policy. The plan called for rounding up all the mimes in Central Park and selling them to a tribe of South Sea Islanders who still practice cannibalism. The policy failed when the Islanders returned the first shipment of mimes complaining that they were stringy and just didn't taste very good. Or as one tribal elder put it, "A Mime is a terrible thing to baste!"
So there NubiWan, take that!
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NubiWan
Skeptic Friend
USA
424 Posts |
Posted - 05/23/2002 : 20:26:53 [Permalink]
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Heard tell, that they won't eat clowns either, they taste funny... 
"If we believe absurdities, we shall commit atrocities." -Voltaire |
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Snake
SFN Addict
USA
2511 Posts |
Posted - 05/25/2002 : 00:40:37 [Permalink]
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quote:
Heard tell, that they won't eat clowns either, they taste funny...
LOL. Now, that was worth waiting for. |
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