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James
SFN Regular
USA
754 Posts |
 Posted - 02/10/2002 : 17:57:48 [Permalink]
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Computer Stupidities
"Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your common sense." -Buddha |
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Snake
SFN Addict
USA
2511 Posts |
Posted - 02/10/2002 : 23:10:48 [Permalink]
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MAN RULES
THE MAN CODE
This is it. So it has been written, so it shall be....The CODE
1. Thou shall not rent the movie Chocolate
2. Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella.
3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
4. When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need
not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.
5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed
to call BULLSHIT . (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent)
7. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.
8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe scale.
9. Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.
10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friends birthday is strictly optional and slightly gay.
11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get
carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.
12. Before dating a buddy's "ex", you are required to ask his permission and he in return is required to grant it.
13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
14. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem * you didn't see nothin'.
15. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.
16. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.
17. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
18. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if
you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.
19 . It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's free.
20. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
21. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
22. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin", then you may sit back and enjoy.
23. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting:
"Yeah, baby, push it!"
"C'mon, give me one more! Harder!"
"Another set and we can hit the showers."
"Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?"
24. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.
25. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer.
26.If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him...too gay.
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Randy
SFN Regular
USA
1990 Posts |
Posted - 02/23/2002 : 21:50:23 [Permalink]
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The Drunk and the Priest
A drunk man who reeked of stale beer sat down on a subway seat next to a
priest. The man's tie was tattered and stained, his face was plastered with red
lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn
coat pocket. He opened his crumpled newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked: "Say, Father,
wha' the hell causes arthritis?"
My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too
much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with
prostitutes and lack of bath."
"Well, I'll be danged," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and
apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long
have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here in the paper that the
Pope does".
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Garrette
SFN Regular
USA
562 Posts |
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Trish
SFN Addict
USA
2102 Posts |
Posted - 02/26/2002 : 13:39:40 [Permalink]
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Garrette
I like that one.
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There is no better demonstration of the folly of human conceits than this distant image of our world. It underscores our responsibility to deal more kindly with one another, to preserve and cherish the pale blue dot, the only home we've known. Sagan |
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chee
New Member
USA
35 Posts |
Posted - 02/28/2002 : 11:12:12 [Permalink]
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[quote]
MAN RULES
[/quote]
In response to Snake...
Know why men who sleep on their backs snore?
Their balls fall backwards, block their asshole, and they vapor lock.
sorry...couldn't resist.
A colder place I've never known, than with someone but yet alone. |
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Snake
SFN Addict
USA
2511 Posts |
Posted - 03/18/2002 : 13:11:18 [Permalink]
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Atheist
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the "accident of evolution" had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing. He ran even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes.
He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear;
right on top of him; reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw To
strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!....Time stopped.
The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped flowing.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny My existence for all of these years; teach others I don't exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect Me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light. "It would be hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the Voice.
The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw ....brought both paws together ....bowed his head and spoke:
"Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."
*
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
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Garrette
SFN Regular
USA
562 Posts |
Posted - 03/18/2002 : 13:28:41 [Permalink]
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God's pick up lines:
"Wanna see my snake?"
My kids still love me. |
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Snake
SFN Addict
USA
2511 Posts |
Posted - 03/18/2002 : 22:49:19 [Permalink]
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quote:
God's pick up lines:
"Wanna see my snake?"
Booooooo!
*
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
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Snake
SFN Addict
USA
2511 Posts |
Posted - 03/18/2002 : 22:53:22 [Permalink]
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A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. After the initial embarrassment and uneasiness, they both go to sleep. The man in the upper berth, and the woman in the lower berth.
In the middle of the night, the man leans over, wakes the woman and says: "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold, and I was wondering if you could possibly reach over and get me another blanket?" The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye says: "I have a better idea, just for tonight let's pretend that we are married."
The man happily says, "OK. AWESOME!"
The woman says "GOOD..... Get your own fucking blanket"
*
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
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Snake
SFN Addict
USA
2511 Posts |
Posted - 03/29/2002 : 00:06:26 [Permalink]
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This is probably an old joke, some of you may have seen it if you are on the no god group, where I got it but it's funny. And I'm not going to go back over all the jokes here now to see if it's been posted so here:
Why Beer Is Better Than Jesus
No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.
Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.
Beer has never caused a major war.
They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves.
When you have a Beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it
away.
Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand
of Beer.
You don't have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer.
There are laws saying Beer labels can't lie to you.
You can prove you have a Beer.
If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help you stop.
* * * * * * *
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
George Carlin
* * * * * * *
I'd do that at home with the one I live with to see what happens but he's too confussed already.
Snake
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Lars_H
SFN Regular
Germany
630 Posts |
Posted - 03/29/2002 : 00:39:01 [Permalink]
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Re:Why Beer Is Better Than Jesus
You obviously have never been to Bavaria.
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Snake
SFN Addict
USA
2511 Posts |
Posted - 03/29/2002 : 01:38:00 [Permalink]
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quote:
Re:Why Beer Is Better Than Jesus
You obviously have never been to Bavaria.
Nope, never had a thought to go there. Ok, revised version:
Why Beer Is Better Than Jesus, execpt in Bavaria.
* * * * * * *
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
George Carlin
* * * * * * *
I'd do that at home with the one I live with to see what happens but he's too confussed already.
Snake
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Lisa
SFN Regular
USA
1223 Posts |
Posted - 05/02/2002 : 09:39:53 [Permalink]
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Saw this over at the JREF forum and it cracked me up:
When Mark Shuttleworth (very rich space tourist) returns from space, everybody dress in Ape Suits.
Pass it on.
If you're not living on the edge, you're taking up too much room. |
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Snake
SFN Addict
USA
2511 Posts |
Posted - 05/06/2002 : 12:43:09 [Permalink]
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quote:
Saw this over at the JREF forum and it cracked me up:
When Mark Shuttleworth (very rich space tourist) returns from space, everybody dress in Ape Suits.
Pass it on.
LOL.
I've got my suit ready.
=========================================
We all know *The Hormone Hostage* knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands!
This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
And the best one yet:
DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't over do it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
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