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Snake
SFN Addict
USA
2511 Posts |
 Posted - 05/25/2002 : 01:22:04 [Permalink]
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As long as we are on a bad and or tasteless joke craze now, here's one just in from an email I recieved:
An exquisite painting entitled "Home for Lunch" was on display in a Pennsylvania art gallery. It depicted three very naked, very black men sitting on a park bench. What was unusual was that the men on both ends of
the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had a very pink penis.
Two women were staring at the painting, trying to figure it out. The artist
noticed their confusion. The artist asked, "Can I help you with this painting?" One woman replied, "We were curious about the painting of the black men on the bench. Why does the man in the middle have a pink
penis?"
"I'm afraid you've misinterpreted the painting," the artist explained. "The
three men are not African-Americans. They are Pennsylvania coal miners, and the fellow in the middle went home for lunch."
* * * * * *
*Carabao forever.
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Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease
to be amused. |
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Snake
SFN Addict
USA
2511 Posts |
Posted - 05/26/2002 : 23:33:49 [Permalink]
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Someone sent this to me so I'm not sure where it's from or who said it but they are really great.
Rules of life
Sometimes we just need to remember WHAT the Rules of Life really are....
1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
2. You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape...
3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship: "I apologize" and "You are right."
4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
6. Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, 'Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?'
7. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
8. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
9. Work is good, but it's not that important.
10. And finally; Be really nice to your family & friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.
Actually Snake would like to add one more:
11. People have too many problems of their own to care that much about yours. So don't take life too seriously.
* * * * * *
*Carabao forever.
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Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease
to be amused. |
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Lisa
SFN Regular
USA
1223 Posts |
Posted - 05/28/2002 : 21:29:52 [Permalink]
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Someone posted this on the bulletin board down at the store:
(Large grainy picture of a tractor)
FOR SALE
John Deere "A"
Runs good, missing steering wheel and seat. Ideal for person who has lost his ass and don't know which way to turn
Lisa
We have enough youth. We need a fountain of smart. |
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Espritch
Skeptic Friend
USA
284 Posts |
Posted - 05/29/2002 : 19:03:42 [Permalink]
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A lady from my office set me this. I found it quite amusing. 
============================================
An elderly couple, a middle aged couple, and a young newlywed couple wanted to join the Little Church on the Hill.
The pastor said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. To demonstrate your commitment you must abstain from having sex for two weeks."
The couples all agreed. At the end of two weeks the three couples returned. The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex
for the two weeks?"
"Yes, Pastor, we were able to abstain; no problem," replied the husband.
"Congratulations!" "Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
Next, the pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes, we
made it."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
Lastly, the pastor went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to
abstain from sex for two weeks?" "No Pastor, we were unable to go without sex
for the two weeks", the young man replied sadly.
"What happened?" inquired the pastor.
"My wife was reaching for a can of paint on the top shelf and dropped it. When she
bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right then and there."
"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.
"We figured that." said the young man. "We're not welcome at Home Depot anymore either."
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gezzam
SFN Regular
Australia
751 Posts |
Posted - 05/29/2002 : 21:39:02 [Permalink]
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Thought you might like to know what the English think of us.....hey the rest of the world probably does too.....lol
If you can't laugh at youtsef, who can you laugh at????
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Be careful of the lucky country, it has teeth....
Surely, after 20 days of trial by fire, the Australians must now realise that God never really intended this enormous tinderbox to be used for human habitation.
Plainly it was created as a giant dustbin, a place far from civilisation where all His failed experiments could be left to their own terrifying devices. "Oh no," said God on the fourth day, "I've gone and made a spider which can kill a man just by looking at him. I need somewhere to putit."
So on the fifth day He created Australia.
This then became home for all the horrid bees and the bitey crocodiles and the baby-eating dingoes. And to make sure that man stayed away, He made the land itself completely infertile and filled the sea around its shores with deadly sharks and killer jellyfish. He even built an
enormous barrier reef. Frankly, He did everything possible to ensure that humans never went there, short of putting up a sign saying "Trespassers will be eaten".
Nobody knows what drew the Aborigines but we do know that the first white man to sail this way was the world's most useless explorer, a Dutchman called Abel Tasman. In a three-year voyage he found Fiji, New Zealand and Tasmania, but in one of the most inept pieces of navigation ever he completely missed the big bit in the middle.
That was discovered by Captain James Cook who stepped off his ship, sniffed the air and
declared, "Yes. This would make a fantastic prison." He was right, of course. For millions of years Australia had harboured all the world's dangerous animals so why not use it as a waste disposal unit for dangerous people? And even when the transportation of convicts stopped, it was still a good place for people who couldn't get on anywhere else. Think about it. Nobody ever went to live in Australia because of the success they'd made of things at home. "I have thousands of friends, endless party invitations, a wonderful, happy family, a great job and even better prospects. So I'm off."
All Australians are descended from Billy No Mates. You'd expect them to have some sympathy with the refugees from central Asia. But no. They've turned their former prison into a fortress and the doors are now firmly closed.
Australians stand on their porches with flames licking at their back door, telling us that life over there is peachy. "It's always warm enough for a barbecue," they say. Never mind that the most recent barbie was so enormous and so hot that it had to be extinguished by a fleet of helicopters. They're even using the wildlife as a scare campaign, telling the world what we already know: that the 10 most deadly snakes found anywhere in the world are all Australian. They run PR campaigns throughout Asia, showing pictures of boats used by refugees marooned on beaches with big fat crocodiles
lolling nearby. However, the reception from the indigenous wildlife is as nothing compared to the reception you'll get from the locals. It's bad enough for a British person who's only there on holiday. Every time you walk into a pub, you get the same reaction. "Backs to the wall everyone. There's a Pom in the bar," followed by: "Hide your wallet under the soap. He won't find it there." Not desperately imaginative but then what do you expect from a people who named a blue spotted ray that lives in lagoons "the blue spotted lagoon ray", or a range of mountains with snow on them "the Snowy Mountains". And that's before we get to "the Great Barrier Reef".
Anyway, if we have a hard time, imagine what it's like for Abdul. In a recent poll, 96% of Australians said they wanted the refugees out, dead, buried, eaten, anything. Last summer an advertisement appeared in one of he newspapers there asking people with a military background to join vigilante-style patrols. Refugees who get caught by the proper authorities are sent to a fantastically remote detention centre near Woomera, where the British did their atomic tests in the 1950s.. They can get out
easily but it's an 18-day walk to the nearest telephone box and that's doubly hard when you've grown two heads.
So what sort of volume are we talking about here? Well, last year the number of people who arrived in Australia illegally from the usual refugee hot spots was 4,500. That works out at one for every 666 square miles. You could put the downtrodden masses from all over the world in the Northern Territories and not even know they were there. Australia says that it took in thousands of Vietnamese and Cambodian boat people in the 1970s and 1980s, along with most of Britain's displaced trade union leaders who were no longer welcome at No 10 for tea and buns. It won't now fulfil the
legal and moral obligations of other nations.
Well, Europe has a falling birthrate and can take a few refugees. The Americans are dropping food parcels on their heads. Africa is hopeless and Asia is the problem, which leaves either Antarctica, which seems a bit antisocial, or the very place that was specifically designed to be home for misfits: Australia.
 
"Damn you people. Go back to your shanties." --- Shooter McGavin |
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Snake
SFN Addict
USA
2511 Posts |
Posted - 05/30/2002 : 00:23:03 [Permalink]
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A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp,
"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabiths?"
And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks,
"Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby?"
She in turn puts her hands on her knees, bends forward and says,
"I don't fink my pyfon givth a fuck." |
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Snake
SFN Addict
USA
2511 Posts |
Posted - 05/30/2002 : 00:38:23 [Permalink]
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HAIR PROBLEMS
A lady found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian.
He found the problem was hair in its ears and cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet told the lady if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remove and rub in its ears once a month.
The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover.
At the register the druggist tells her "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."
The lady says "I'm not using it under my arms."
The druggist says "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days."
The lady says "I'm not using it on my legs either and if you must know I'm using it on my schnauzer."
The druggist says "Stay off your bicycle for a week."
* * * * * *
*Carabao forever.
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Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease
to be amused. |
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Snake
SFN Addict
USA
2511 Posts |
Posted - 06/01/2002 : 20:55:01 [Permalink]
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Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, Saint Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven ...
don't step on the ducks."
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes Saint Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. Saint Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman accidentally
steps on a duck, and along comes Saint Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man.
He chains them together with the same
punishment as the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks.
One day Saint Peter comes up to her with the
most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on...very tall, tan, & muscular...
Saint Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to
deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
And the guy says, "Well, I don't know what you did,
but I stepped on a duck. |
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gezzam
SFN Regular
Australia
751 Posts |
Posted - 06/01/2002 : 21:02:36 [Permalink]
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Seen written on a stop sign by a friend near his house....
"Can't stop, Hammer time!!!!"
"Damn you people. Go back to your shanties." --- Shooter McGavin |
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Snake
SFN Addict
USA
2511 Posts |
Posted - 06/01/2002 : 23:50:17 [Permalink]
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quote:
Seen written on a stop sign by a friend near his house....
"Can't stop, Hammer time!!!!"
 Huh? Sorry, I don't get it.
However, coincidently, I just bought small 'sign' shaped like a red trafic stop sign with the word STOP written in white in the middle, and around it is what is supposed to look like spray paint, in black is written, The game STOPs for no one!
I nailed it to the outside of my bedroom door.
* * * * * *
*Carabao forever.
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Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease
to be amused. |
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gezzam
SFN Regular
Australia
751 Posts |
Posted - 06/02/2002 : 02:21:14 [Permalink]
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quote:
Huh? Sorry, I don't get it.
Remamber the dulcet tones of MC Hammer????
You can't touch this
"Damn you people. Go back to your shanties." --- Shooter McGavin |
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Snake
SFN Addict
USA
2511 Posts |
Posted - 06/02/2002 : 23:34:30 [Permalink]
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quote:
quote:
Huh? Sorry, I don't get it.
Remamber the dulcet tones of MC Hammer????
You can't touch this
??? Is that some sort of heavy duty construction equipment that makes noise, like John Deer tractors? Otherwise I haven't a clue what you are talking about.
* * * * * *
*Carabao forever.
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Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease
to be amused. |
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gezzam
SFN Regular
Australia
751 Posts |
Posted - 06/03/2002 : 00:29:12 [Permalink]
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quote:
??? Is that some sort of heavy duty construction equipment that makes noise, like John Deer tractors? Otherwise I haven't a clue what you are talking about.
O.K. Go to http://www.yesterdayland.com/popopedia/shows/music/mu1121.php
Might answer your question....
"Damn you people. Go back to your shanties." --- Shooter McGavin |
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James
SFN Regular
USA
754 Posts |
Posted - 06/03/2002 : 06:18:40 [Permalink]
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quote:
quote:
quote:
Huh? Sorry, I don't get it.
Remamber the dulcet tones of MC Hammer????
You can't touch this
??? Is that some sort of heavy duty construction equipment that makes noise, like John Deer tractors? Otherwise I haven't a clue what you are talking about.
Damn, Snake, I knew you were kinda out of it, but that's almost ridiculous. Be glad, then, that you never heard of Milli Vanilli. <shudders>
________________________
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
Two more years...Two more years...Two more years...Two more years...Two more years...
*whine* |
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Snake
SFN Addict
USA
2511 Posts |
Posted - 06/03/2002 : 09:31:19 [Permalink]
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quote:
O.K. Go to http://www.yesterdayland.com/popopedia/shows/music/mu1121.php
Might answer your question....
I'm about to throw up. I wish I hadn't looked. Glad there was no sound or I would have had to destroy my computer from being fouled with that putrid nonsenseical noise.
As soon as I saw the word hip hop I knew it was for less then intelligent morons. Thank you for telling me what that is and I hope I never hear that name again.
BTW, try listening to Carabao.....
* * * * * *
*Carabao forever.
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Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease
to be amused. |
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