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Lisa
SFN Regular
USA
1223 Posts |
 Posted - 06/09/2002 : 06:21:40 [Permalink]
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My friends are starting to fire back. This was in my inbox this morning:
There was a tradesman, a painter called Jock, who was very interested in
making a penny where he could, so he often would thin down paint to make it go a wee bit further.
As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the
Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the painting of one of their biggest buildings. Jock put in a bid, and because his price was so low, he got the job.
And so he set to erecting the trestles and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with
turpentine.
Well, Jock was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened, the rain poured down,washing the thinned paint from all
over the church and knocking Jock clear off the scaffold to land on the
lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.
Jock was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he
got on his knees and cried: "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke...
(you're going to love this)
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"Repaint! Repaint! and thin no more!"
Lisa
We have enough youth. We need a fountain of smart.
Edited by - Lisa on 07/05/2002 14:54:11 |
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gezzam
SFN Regular
Australia
751 Posts |
Posted - 06/09/2002 : 12:01:34 [Permalink]
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A horse walks into a bar, the bartender says, "What's up mate, why the long face?" 
"Damn you people. Go back to your shanties." --- Shooter McGavin |
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Snake
SFN Addict
USA
2511 Posts |
Posted - 06/09/2002 : 16:49:22 [Permalink]
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quote:
A horse walks into a bar, the bartender says, "What's up mate, why the long face?"
Oy! So far Gezzam, you've got my vote for the biggest groaner.
* * * * * *
*Carabao forever.
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Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease
to be amused. |
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Snake
SFN Addict
USA
2511 Posts |
Posted - 06/09/2002 : 16:51:55 [Permalink]
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7. Why did the maharishi refuse Novocain when he had his tooth pulled?
V
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He wanted to transcend dental medication. |
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PhDreamer
SFN Regular
USA
925 Posts |
Posted - 06/09/2002 : 19:09:21 [Permalink]
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Two hydrogen molecules walk into a bar.
The first molecule says, "I think I just lost an electron!"
The second asks, "Are you sure?"
"I'm positive!"
*rimshot*
Generally speaking, the errors in religion are dangerous; those in philosophy only ridiculous.
-D. Hume |
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Zandermann
Skeptic Friend
USA
431 Posts |
Posted - 06/09/2002 : 19:17:26 [Permalink]
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An African chief was well-known throughout the surrounding countryside for overthrowing his neighbors' leaders and taking over their territories. His subjects were fierce in battle and he was merciless. As a monument to his abilities, he would collect the thrones used by his rivals and store them in his hut.
Soon, of course, the elegant symbols of power in his collection began taking over his own house, so he had to have his hut expanded. New wings were being added all the time, his subjects tying reeds together and weaving the native grasses into walls and roof...but those responsible soon ran out of space in the main village.
Calling to his second-in-command, the king asked for advice about what to do regarding the lack of room. His lieutenant suggested that the builders add a second story to the king's domicile and gain the necessary space.
And so it was done. The king continued to conquer his neighbors, spreading slaughter wherever his troops roamed, and the throne collection grew.
Soon, of course, the second story was full, and the king commanded that yet a third floor be added. So again the villagers collected reeds and grasses and built the king's new addition.
The combined weight of all that treasure soon proved too much, and, late one night, the entire grass hut collapsed under the weight, and the king and all his retainers were crushed.
The surviving villagers vowed never to forget their late king's folly, and their mnemonic has been passed down to us to this very day:
"Those who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones." |
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Lisa
SFN Regular
USA
1223 Posts |
Posted - 06/10/2002 : 05:12:15 [Permalink]
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Thanx guys, keep passing the ammo. I think they're getting weaker.
I told them a couple of real groaners last night too. Now I have some new material. My JREF friends can't take much more....
Lisa
We have enough youth. We need a fountain of smart.
Edited by - Lisa on 07/05/2002 15:01:46 |
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gezzam
SFN Regular
Australia
751 Posts |
Posted - 06/10/2002 : 08:29:11 [Permalink]
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quote:
quote:
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A horse walks into a bar, the bartender says, "What's up mate, why the long face?"
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Oy! So far Gezzam, you've got my vote for the biggest groaner.
You can replace the words "A horse" with Celene Dion if you want.....;-)
"Damn you people. Go back to your shanties." --- Shooter McGavin |
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Snake
SFN Addict
USA
2511 Posts |
Posted - 06/10/2002 : 13:42:42 [Permalink]
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8. Did you hear about the two men from the monastery who opened a fast-food seafood restaurant?
One was the fish friar, the other was the chip monk. |
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Lisa
SFN Regular
USA
1223 Posts |
Posted - 06/10/2002 : 23:18:25 [Permalink]
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Snake, keep this stuff coming. I'll probably end up getting spanked, but this is fun.
Lisa
We have enough youth. We need a fountain of smart. |
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Snake
SFN Addict
USA
2511 Posts |
Posted - 06/11/2002 : 00:50:05 [Permalink]
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quote:
Snake, keep this stuff coming. I'll probably end up getting spanked, but this is fun.
Lisa
I told you I'm running out....of this group but I'll dig some more up.
Wait 'till you see the next one, LOL, it's a gem. But I only post one a day and it hasn't been 24 hrs. yet. heh he, You'll have to wait.
* * * * * *
*Carabao forever.
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Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease
to be amused.
Oh Whoops, I forgot to say, 'spanked'? Did you say spanked? Ok, now you're talking, you'd better start another folder and we can talk about that too. 
You're not by any chance into whips and handcuffs too, are you?
Edited by - snake on 06/11/2002 00:56:30 |
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James
SFN Regular
USA
754 Posts |
Posted - 06/11/2002 : 10:19:38 [Permalink]
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quote:
I'll probably end up getting spanked, but this is fun.
mouth
________________________
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
Two more years...Two more years...Two more years...Two more years...Two more years...
*whine* |
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Snake
SFN Addict
USA
2511 Posts |
Posted - 06/11/2002 : 16:08:10 [Permalink]
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9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank -- proving once and for all that
you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
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Lisa
SFN Regular
USA
1223 Posts |
Posted - 06/11/2002 : 23:55:23 [Permalink]
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Thanks Snake! <evil grin>
I sort of feel like sending an e-mail.
Btw, I was repeating these on PalTalk the other night. There's some dude in Austin named "Boogie" who wants to hunt us both down and kill us. I'd say it was a successful evening.
Lisa
We have enough youth. We need a fountain of smart. |
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Snake
SFN Addict
USA
2511 Posts |
Posted - 06/12/2002 : 00:14:32 [Permalink]
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quote:
There's some dude in Austin named "Boogie" who wants to hunt us both down and kill us.
Lisa
Bring 'em on!
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*Carabao forever.
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Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease
to be amused. |
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