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Snake
SFN Addict
USA
2511 Posts |
 Posted - 06/15/2002 : 20:09:18 [Permalink]
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quote:
the New Yorker says, "So much for your canoe, asshole!"
LOL. Good one.
* * * * * *
*Carabao forever.
-----------------
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease
to be amused. |
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Snake
SFN Addict
USA
2511 Posts |
Posted - 06/17/2002 : 13:15:42 [Permalink]
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Finally, something other than smiley faces....
Perfect breasts
(o)(o)
Fake silicone breasts
( + )( + )
Perky breasts
(*)(*)
Big nipple breasts
(@)(@)
Acups
o o
D cups
( O )( O )
Wonder bra breasts
(oYo)
Cold breasts
( ^ )( ^ )
Lopsided breasts
(o)(O)
Pierced Breasts
(Q)(O)
Hanging Tassels Breasts
(p)(p)
Grandma's Breasts
\ o /\ o /
Against The Shower Door Breasts
( )( )
Android Breasts
| o | | o |
Martha Stewart's Breasts
($)($)
And God created woman and she had 3 breasts. He then asked the woman,"Is there anything you'd like to have changed?"
She replied, "Yes, could you get rid of this middle breast?"
And so it was done, and it was good.
Then the woman exclaimed as she was holding the Third breast in her hand,"
What can be done with this useless boob?"
And God created man. |
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Snake
SFN Addict
USA
2511 Posts |
Posted - 06/20/2002 : 01:53:11 [Permalink]
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Cautions..Dumb blond joke!
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive odor of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes.
He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat.
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said....
FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS. |
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DVF
Skeptic Friend
USA
96 Posts |
Posted - 06/20/2002 : 13:11:42 [Permalink]
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A man gets a call from his blond girlfriend, who sounds terribly upset. She explains that she's trying to do this new jugsaw puzzle and it's absolutely impossible. The pieces don't make any sense and it doesn't look anything like the picture on the box and could he please help.
Upon arriving he looks at the puzzle pieces, stares intently at the box for a few moments and then takes her by the hand and says:
"Honey, just relax. I don't think we're going to be able to put this together. Why don't we make some coffee, calm down, and then I'll help you put the Frosted Flakes back in the box."
"Know what, if you were in a building, and it was on fire, I'd rescue you."
- My Son 3/5/2002 |
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Snake
SFN Addict
USA
2511 Posts |
Posted - 06/20/2002 : 21:14:48 [Permalink]
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DVF, great joke, I'm going to forward it to my group. Thanks.
* * * * * *
*Carabao forever.
-----------------
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease
to be amused. |
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James
SFN Regular
USA
754 Posts |
Posted - 06/21/2002 : 13:33:39 [Permalink]
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Top 13 Things PMS Stands For!
13. Psychotic Mood Shift
12. Pack My Stuff
11. Permanent Menstrual Syndrome
10. Perpetual Munching Spree
9. Puffy Mid-Section
8. People Make Me Sick
7. Provide Me with Sweets
6. Pardon My Sobbing
5. Pimples May Surface
4. Pass My Sweatpants
3. Pissy Mood Syndrome
2. Plainly Men Suck
And The Number One Is:
1. Pass My Shotgun
____________________________________________
If AOL Made Cars...
-The AOL car would have a TOP speed of 40 miles per hour...yet it would have a 200 miles per hour speedometer.
-The AOL car would come equipped with a NEW and fantastic 8-track tape player.
-The car would refuse to start and owners would just expect this and try again later.
-The windshield would have an extra dark tint to protect the driver from seeing better cars.
-AOL would sell the same model car year after year and claim its the NEW model.
-Every now and then the brakes on the AOL car would just "lock up" for no apparent reason.
-The AOL car would have only one door but it would have 5 extra seats for family members.
-Anyone dissatisifed could return the car but must continue to make payments for 6 months.
____________________________________________
http://www.coolfunnypictures.com/translation.jpg
____________________________________________
http://www.lfmn.com/lifeminder30/mhtml/images/us020621.gif
________________________
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
Two more years...Two more years...Two more years...Two more years...Two more years...
*whine* |
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Snake
SFN Addict
USA
2511 Posts |
Posted - 06/21/2002 : 21:19:00 [Permalink]
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A woman was shopping at her local supermarket, where she selected a quart of milk, a carton of eggs, juice, and a package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the counter to check out, a drunk standing behind her, watched as she placed her purchases in front of the cashier.
The drunk said to her "you must be single".
The woman a bit startled looked at her four items on the counter - seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections said "Well y'know, that's right. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk said, "Cause you're uglier than shit"! |
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James
SFN Regular
USA
754 Posts |
Posted - 06/29/2002 : 06:10:04 [Permalink]
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Bedroom Golf
1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play. Normally one club and two balls.
2. Play on the course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object of the game is to get the club in the hole and keep balls out of the hole.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check for stiffness before play.
5. The object of the game is to make as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied to play the course again.
6. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played in the past to the present course owner. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.
10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else is playing what is considered to be a private course.
11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times, some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to find alternative means of play when this is the case.
12. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.
13. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner request.
14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.
16. Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules subject to change. For this reason, many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.
________________________
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
Two more years...Two more years...Two more years...Two more years...Two more years...
*whine* |
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Piltdown
Skeptic Friend
USA
312 Posts |
Posted - 07/03/2002 : 18:18:42 [Permalink]
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quote:
What's green and hangs in trees?
Giraffe snot.
(the doc who fixed my knee told my daughter that one when we were in for a checkup.)
If you think it's work, you're doing it wrong.
This reminds me of the groaners that were popular when I was in my early teens (c.1963):
Why do elephants paint their balls red?
So they can hide in apple trees.
How did Tarzan die?
Picked the wrong apple.
Grapes were as popular as elephants in the childhood humor world for a while, but I can only remember one of them:
What was round and purple and conquered the world?
Alexander the Grape
I have to wonder how many cerebral memory units I've wasted retaining those for close to 40 years.
Authority has every reason to fear the skeptic, for authority can rarely survive in the face of doubt.
-Robert Lindner
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Snake
SFN Addict
USA
2511 Posts |
Posted - 07/06/2002 : 00:23:42 [Permalink]
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Subject: The Knob
A woman in her late forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.
The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob", where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.
Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful - the woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them,"
The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."
She said, "Well, I guess that explains the goatee."
* * * * * *
*Carabao forever.
-----------------
Bye, bye Los Angeles. SAN FERNANDO VALLEY SECESSION - YES.
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Snake
SFN Addict
USA
2511 Posts |
Posted - 07/06/2002 : 17:58:45 [Permalink]
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quote:
What was round and purple and conquered the world?
Alexander the Grape
I have to wonder how many cerebral memory units I've wasted retaining those for close to 40 years.
I'd forgotten that one. Boy! Does that bring back memories. So now you've made me waste my brain cells on that. Thanks.
I don't have that many left!
* * * * * *
*Carabao forever.
-----------------
Bye, bye Los Angeles. SAN FERNANDO VALLEY SECESSION - YES.
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Hobbes
New Member
USA
34 Posts |
Posted - 07/07/2002 : 21:22:24 [Permalink]
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Here's one about men's rules for women...
RULES
We always hear the rules" from the feminine side. Ok - we'll now hear
the guys' side - These are OUR rules!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if
we can find the perfect present yet again!
1. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
1. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared
to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, and NASCAR.
1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is
fine.....Really.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! ...Just say it!
1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on our
calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of your thirty, would look good with your dress?
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's
what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 12 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Check your oil. Please!
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 24 hours.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like Soap Opera guys.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.
1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done, not both. If you already know best how to do it, ...just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle to find out what "nothing" is.
1. I AM in shape. - ROUND is a shape.
AND YES...THEY ARE ALL RULE NUMBER ONE
And Newton said, "y'= lim h->0 of [f(x+h)-f(x)]/[(x+h)-x], thus, Calculus was born, and Newton saw that it was good. |
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Snake
SFN Addict
USA
2511 Posts |
Posted - 07/08/2002 : 01:00:08 [Permalink]
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quote:
Here's one about men's rules for women...
RULES
We always hear the rules" from the feminine side. Ok - we'll now hear
the guys' side - These are OUR rules!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle to find out what "nothing" is.
1. I AM in shape. - ROUND is a shape.
Love it. 
Those are my favorites.
* * * * * *
*Carabao forever.
-----------------
Bye, bye Los Angeles. SAN FERNANDO VALLEY SECESSION - YES.
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Trish
SFN Addict
USA
2102 Posts |
Posted - 07/08/2002 : 01:17:10 [Permalink]
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And I missed the blonde jokes. Here's one for ya.
Why are blonde jokes so short?
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
So men can understand them.
---
...no one has ever found a 4.5 billion year old stone artifact (at the right geological stratum) with the words "Made by God."
No Sense of Obligation by Matt Young |
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James
SFN Regular
USA
754 Posts |
Posted - 07/08/2002 : 12:33:22 [Permalink]
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quote:
Here's one about men's rules for women...
RULES
We always hear the rules" from the feminine side. Ok - we'll now hear
the guys' side - These are OUR rules!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if
we can find the perfect present yet again!
1. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
1. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared
to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, and NASCAR.
1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is
fine.....Really.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! ...Just say it!
1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on our
calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of your thirty, would look good with your dress?
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's
what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 12 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Check your oil. Please!
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 24 hours.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like Soap Opera guys.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.
1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done, not both. If you already know best how to do it, ...just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle to find out what "nothing" is.
1. I AM in shape. - ROUND is a shape.
AND YES...THEY ARE ALL RULE NUMBER ONE
Thank you very much, sir! *bows in respect*
________________________
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
Two more years...Two more years...Two more years...Two more years...Two more years...
*whine* |
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