|
|
|
Hobbes
New Member
USA
34 Posts |
 Posted - 07/09/2002 : 01:43:43 [Permalink]
|
The gesture is appreciated, but I'm afraid the ideas aren't mine; they're from an unmarked e-mail at work, so I'm afraid I can't offer credit where it's due.
And Newton said, "y'= lim h->0 of [f(x+h)-f(x)]/[(x+h)-x], thus, Calculus was born, and Newton saw that it was good. |
 |
|
|
Snake
SFN Addict
USA
2511 Posts |
Posted - 07/17/2002 : 16:58:58 [Permalink]
|
OVERWEIGHT BLONDE
A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day,
and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."
When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.
"No, from all that skipping."
* * * * * *
*Carabao forever
---------------
Bye, bye Los Angeles. SAN FERNANDO VALLEY SECESSION - YES
All lives are movie settings, it's what channel you're on that counts. Zatikia
|
|
|
|
Snake
SFN Addict
USA
2511 Posts |
Posted - 07/18/2002 : 09:53:09 [Permalink]
|
Subject: Politically Correct
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED CITIZEN.
2. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
3. She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
4. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is A PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
5. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
6. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
7. She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
8. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
9. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
10. She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
11. She does not have PREMIER LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
12. She is not a TWO-BIT SLACKER - She is a LOW COST SERVICE PROVIDER.
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
2. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
3. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - HE INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
4. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
5. He is not a CRADLE SNATCHER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
7. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.
8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.
9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.
|
|
|
|
James
SFN Regular
USA
754 Posts |
Posted - 07/19/2002 : 22:38:53 [Permalink]
|
10 Rules For Dating My Daughter
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear
their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilising a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
________________________
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
Two more years...Two more years...Two more years...Two more years...Two more years...
*whine* |
|
|
|
Snake
SFN Addict
USA
2511 Posts |
Posted - 07/19/2002 : 23:39:47 [Permalink]
|
Baptizing a Drunk
A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.
He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jeeeeesus?"
The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jeeeeesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Noooow, have you found Jeeesus, my brother?"
The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again---but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the looooove of God, now have you found Jeeeeesus!?!"
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
|
|
|
|
Snake
SFN Addict
USA
2511 Posts |
Posted - 07/25/2002 : 11:44:20 [Permalink]
|
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?
What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humour!"
The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!" |
|
|
|
welshdean
Skeptic Friend
United Kingdom
172 Posts |
Posted - 07/26/2002 : 01:51:31 [Permalink]
|
Three Irishmen, Mick, Sean and Kevin are sitting in a pub. "I'm tinkin' I'll take meself down to de Guinness Book of Records office and get meself entered in de book". Said Mick. "What de hell are ye talkin' about, ye eejit. You've dun nuttin' to get in de book for" says Sean. "Well, It's me hands, Sean", Mick says waving them around, "I tink dey are de smallest in de world and I'm gonna get meself entered into de book and I'll be world famous". The other two agree that they are quite small and they all carry on drinking quite heartily. A little while later Kevin pipes up," Ya know Mick, if ye can get into de Guiness Book of records for yer small hands, so can I". The other two smirk at each other and Mick says, "How can ye have de smallest hands in the world if I've got dem, ya bloody fool"? Kevin replies, "It's not me hands, Mick, it's me feet", and he takes off his boots to show them. "I tink dat dey are de smallest feet in de world and I'm gonna get meself entered into de Guiness Book of Records too". The other two agree that they are quite small and with that they all go back to their drinking. Some time later Sean chimes in, "Well, if youse two can get into de Guiness Book of Records, I can too". The others fall about laughing. "What de feck have you got dats so feckin' interesting?" cries Mick. "It's me dick, he says and pulls down his breeches to show them. They both howl with laughter as Sean pulls out his little willy. "Jaysus, ye've got the best chance of us all, Sean", says Kevin "Dat's the smallest feckin' dick I ever saw" and with that they all go back to their drinking. Later on, full to the gills, they are heading home when out of the corner of his eye. Mick spots the Guinness Book of Records office further down the street. "Jaysus", he says "I'm gonna go into dat office and I'm gonna get me hands measured" and off he staggers. Ten minutes later he comes out with a big smile on his face waving his hands in the air. "I did it. I did it", he says "I'm in de Guiness Book of Records for de smallest hands in the world. Nobodies got smaller hands dan me", he says and with that he pushes Kevin forward. "Go on ye eejit. See if ye have de smallest feet in de world. Go on". "Feck it. I will" says Kevin and off he staggers. Ten minutes later, he too comes out with a big smile on his face, kicking his feet in the air. "Jaysus, I'm famous", he says. "I've got de smallest feet in de world. "I'm famous. I'm famous". With that Sean staggers to the office door. I'm gonna get me dick measured" he says, " I won't be long". The other two are waiting anxiously for Sean to return, but time slips by. Ten minutes turns into twenty and twenty into thirty. No sign of Sean. Forty minutes go by and the office door opens. Sean slouches out looking disconsolate, "Who de feckin' hell is six days?
I believe in nothing; only my scepticism kept me from being an atheist.
|
|
|
|
Snake
SFN Addict
USA
2511 Posts |
Posted - 07/29/2002 : 22:37:38 [Permalink]
|
A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks,"How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."
The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours."
The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half."
The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill.
Follow that guy and see where he goes."
A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber ask, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"
Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house."
----------------
*Carabao forever
*SAN FERNANDO VALLEY SECESSION - YES
*All lives are movie settings, it's what channel you're on that counts. Zatikia
*Just because I don't care, doesn't mean I don't understand.
Homer Jaye S. |
|
|
|
James
SFN Regular
USA
754 Posts |
Posted - 07/30/2002 : 08:44:53 [Permalink]
|
A real tough guy dies and goes to hell, well he tells Satan that it won't be all that bad, and thinks hell's all a joke. So Satan tells the demons to turn the thermostat way up, and lock him up for three days.
After three days Satan goes to check up on him, but he says, "I live in the Midwest and many summer weekends are hotter than this."
So Satan tells the demons to turn the temperature all the way up, and to leave him in for six weeks.
So after six weeks, Satan goes to check up on him, but he says, "I grew up in the Midwest and I can remember dryspells that were hotter and longer than this."
Well, this really gets to Satan, so he tells the demons to turn the temperature all the way down, and leave him in for six months.
After six months, Satan goes to check up on him, and he is sitting there shivering, asking, "What happened? Did the Cubs win the pennant?"
________________________
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
Two more years...Two more years...Two more years...Two more years...Two more years...
*whine* |
|
|
|
Snake
SFN Addict
USA
2511 Posts |
Posted - 07/30/2002 : 22:32:04 [Permalink]
|
This was just sent to me:
These are from a book called Disorder in the Court. These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges
were actually taking place.
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
===
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
===
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
===
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that
you've forgotten?
===
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
===
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that
morning?
Q: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
===
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the
occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
===
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
===
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
===
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
===
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
===
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
===
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
===
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
===
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
===
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
===
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
===
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
===
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
===
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
somewhere. |
|
|
|
Robert
New Member
Korea
21 Posts |
Posted - 07/31/2002 : 06:43:34 [Permalink]
|
Does letterman know u have that list... if not send it to him! They could use better jokes on that show nowdays anyway
|
|
|
|
Snake
SFN Addict
USA
2511 Posts |
Posted - 08/02/2002 : 01:14:16 [Permalink]
|
California Driver's License
For those of you who are not "fortunate" enough to live in California, here is a copy of the California Driver's Exam, and for those of you who do, study real hard. This is a new exam. Since driving conditions (and
culture) are unique in Los Angeles, you may not have realized that the California Department of Motor Vehicles has now issued a special application and driver's test solely for the Los Angeles Metropolitan Area.
GREATER LOS ANGELES AREA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION:
Name:___________________ Stage name: ____________________
Agent:___________________ Attorney:_______________________
Therapist name:_________________
Sex: ___male ___female ___formerly male ___formerly female ____both
*If female, indicate breast implant size: _______
Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a
motor vehicle in any way?
Yes___ No ___
Please list brand of cell phone: ________.
*If you don't own a cell phone, please explain:________________________
Please check hair color:
Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Red [ ] Orange [ ] Green [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead
Please check activities you perform while driving: (Check all that apply)
[ ] Eating
[ ] Drinking Starbucks coffee
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Shaving (male or female)
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping kids in the back-seat
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[X] Snorting cocaine (already checked for your convenience)
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop
[ ] Discharging firearms / Reloading
Please indicate how many times
a) you expect to shoot at other drivers _____
b) how many times you expect to be shot at while driving _____
If you are the victim of a carjacking, you should immediately:
a) Call the police to report the crime.
b) Call Channel 9 News to report the crime, then watch your car on the
news in a high-speed chase.
c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company
for 911 call not going through.
d) Call your therapist.
In the event of an earthquake, you should:
a) stop your car
b) keep driving and hope for the best.
c) immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones.
d) pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 9.
In the instance of rain, you should:
a) never drive over 5 MPH.
b) drive twice as fast as usual.
c) you're not sure what "rain" is.
Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ______.
Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
a) Prozac
b) Zovirax
c) Lithium
d) Zanax
e) Valium
f) Zoloft
g) All of the above
h) None of the above
*If none, please explain: __________________.
Length of daily commute:
a) Less than 1 hour
b) 1 hour
c) 2 hours
d) 3 hours
e) 4 hours or more
* If less than 1 hour, please explain:____________________.
When stopped by police, you should:
a) pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready.
b) try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405 Freeway.
c) have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus ensuring
yourself of a hefty lawsuit.
When turning, you should always signal your intentions by:
a) using your directional signals.
b) what is a "directional signal"?
Which part of your car will wear out most often?
a) the wiper blades
b) the belts
c) the horn
The "bright" setting on your headlights is for:
a) dark, poorly lit roads
b) flashing to get the car ahead to move out of the way
c) revenge!
Your rear view mirror is for:
a) watching for approaching cars
b) watching for approaching police cars
c) checking your hair
[/quote]
----------------
*Carabao forever
*SAN FERNANDO VALLEY SECESSION - YES
*All lives are movie settings, it's what channel you're on that counts. Zatikia
*Just because I don't care, doesn't mean I don't understand.
Homer Jaye S. |
|
|
|
James
SFN Regular
USA
754 Posts |
Posted - 08/02/2002 : 05:32:36 [Permalink]
|
You Know You're A Redneck when...2002 Edition
1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
3. Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.
4. Your boat has not left the yard in 15 years.
5. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
6. You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.
7. The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
8. Your entire family sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.
9. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
10.You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
11.You come back from the dump with more than you took.
12.You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
13.Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.
14.You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
15.You've bathed with flea and tick soap.
16.You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
17.Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.
18.You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
19.You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
20.You have a rag for a gas cap.
21.Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
22.You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
23.You can spit without opening your mouth.
24.You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
25.Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
26.You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota.
27.You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.
28.The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
29.Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
30.You thought the Unabomber was a wrestler.
31.You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
32.You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.
33.Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home.
34.A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of improvements.
35.You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
36.You've asked the preacher "How's it hangin'?"
37.You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.
38.You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
________________________
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
Two more years...Two more years...Two more years...Two more years...Two more years...
*whine* |
|
|
|
James
SFN Regular
USA
754 Posts |
Posted - 08/02/2002 : 05:33:23 [Permalink]
|
The US of Play
________________________
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
Two more years...Two more years...Two more years...Two more years...Two more years...
*whine*
Edited by - James on 08/02/2002 05:33:51 |
|
|
|
jmcginn
Skeptic Friend
343 Posts |
Posted - 08/02/2002 : 08:07:38 [Permalink]
|
quote:
You Know You're A Redneck when...2002 Edition
hehe, being an ex-redneck from Eastern KY (where the title is worn like a badge of honor) I have actually scored a few of these.
#1, #4 (it was a jeep but I think it still counts), #5, #20, #27 (although some said various brands of butter as well), #29, #38 (ok, maybe I don't think that, but I have hit about 6 or 7 deer in my life).
hehe good stuff, good to see I still have some of those hillbilly traits :>
|
|
|
 |
|
|
|
Topic Locked
