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Snake
SFN Addict
USA
2511 Posts |
 Posted - 08/02/2002 : 14:45:23 [Permalink]
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quote:
hehe, being an ex-redneck from Eastern KY (where the title is worn like a badge of honor) I have actually scored a few of these.
#27 (although some said various brands of butter as well
27.You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.
Well, I was born in California, I never thought I was a redneck but....oh no!
Did they say anything about eating breakfast at Costco at the 'free samples' tables....AND keeping the little plastic spoons. Those are my dinner utensils.
ps. You know what...on 2nd thought, maybe taking the spoons is just my Jewish gene. Forget it! I might not be a true Redneck, sorry.
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*Carabao forever
*SAN FERNANDO VALLEY SECESSION - YES
*All lives are movie settings, it's what channel you're on that counts. Zatikia
*Just because I don't care, doesn't mean I don't understand.
Homer Jaye S.
Edited by - snake on 08/02/2002 14:53:28 |
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James
SFN Regular
USA
754 Posts |
Posted - 08/06/2002 : 05:52:54 [Permalink]
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Good, Better, Best Policemen
GOOD: A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem - a 10-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD". The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of change. (And we used to just sell lemonade.)
BETTER: A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of Handcuffs.
BEST: A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball." He replied, "Highway Patrolmen don't have balls." There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes...
________________________
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
Two more years...Two more years...Two more years...Two more years...Two more years...
*whine* |
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Snake
SFN Addict
USA
2511 Posts |
Posted - 08/08/2002 : 20:08:44 [Permalink]
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More PUNS:
Two ropes walk into a bar. The bartender takes one look at them, and says, "Hey we don't serve ropes here!" and kicks them out. Minutes later, one of the ropes wraps himself up into a ball and roughs up his top. He goes back into the bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks at him
suspiciously and asks, "Hey, aren't you one of those ropes I just threw out?"
The rope replies, "I'm a frayed knot."
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*Carabao forever
*SAN FERNANDO VALLEY SECESSION - YES
*All lives are movie settings, it's what channel you're on that counts. Zatikia
*Just because I don't care, doesn't mean I don't understand.
Homer Jaye S. |
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The SollyLama
Skeptic Friend
USA
234 Posts |
Posted - 08/14/2002 : 14:45:44 [Permalink]
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Redneck jokes are a favorite. My first wife literally was a Jeff Foxworthy joke.
Her name: Buffy (No shit). Her father was cheating on her mother at the time and knocked up his mistress too. They had a daughter.
Name: Buffy
Yup, two Buffys six months apart in age. Better (I wish I was making this up) they were named after a hunting dog that died. He had a huge framed picture of the dog in the hallway.
Her father lived on a barely paved road in backwoods GA. His only neighbors for miles were all related (parents, brother, uncle, etc- most of the county).
Every square foot of wall space in his house (built by hand by the way) was taken up by deer heads. A large set served as a coat rack. He shot them from his back porch. Sometimes thru the kitchen window.
Worse, I'm a YANKEE. No, a damn yankee. A yan-keh to the family. Sharon was more welcome at the Wailing Wall than I was at dinner.
Oh it goes on and on. But man, watching Foxworthy was never the same after that. I've seen a beehive hairdo get whacked by a ceiling fan.
Be your own god!
(First, and only, commandment of Sollyism)
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Snake
SFN Addict
USA
2511 Posts |
Posted - 08/15/2002 : 01:44:57 [Permalink]
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quote:
Oh it goes on and on. But man, watching Foxworthy was never the same after that. I've seen a beehive hairdo get whacked by a ceiling fan.
ROFLOL.
I believe you too.
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*Carabao forever
*SAN FERNANDO VALLEY SECESSION - YES
*All lives are movie settings, it's what channel you're on that counts. Zatikia
*Just because I don't care, doesn't mean I don't understand.
Homer Jaye S. |
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Mr. Spock
Skeptic Friend
USA
99 Posts |
Posted - 08/15/2002 : 07:58:42 [Permalink]
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Q: What does a Texas tornado and a Kentucky divorce have in common?
A: Somebody is going to lose a trailer.
Q: What do Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd have in common?
A: The Wall was their last big hit.
"The amount of noise which anyone can bear stands in inverse proportion to his mental capacity." --Schopenhauer |
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Snake
SFN Addict
USA
2511 Posts |
Posted - 08/15/2002 : 14:49:21 [Permalink]
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quote:
"The amount of noise which anyone can bear stands in inverse proportion to his mental capacity." --Schopenhauer
We must discuss that.
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*Carabao forever
*SAN FERNANDO VALLEY SECESSION - YES
*All lives are movie settings, it's what channel you're on that counts. Zatikia
*Just because I don't care, doesn't mean I don't understand.
Homer Jaye S. |
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Mr. Spock
Skeptic Friend
USA
99 Posts |
Posted - 08/15/2002 : 15:45:03 [Permalink]
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Thanks for reminding me that I need to update my signature (I try to change it every few weeks for variety). When it comes to aphorisms, there are many that seem to fit me perfectly at first, but I soon realize that one cannot boil a thorough-going philosophy down to a sentence or two (or as Voltaire said, "a witty saying proves nothing). This is why none of my body art includes sayings or slogans: If I come to take even mild exceptions to the the words emblazoned on me, it's too fucking bad--it's permanent. 
Being something of an introvert, I love Schopenhaur's observation. Let's face it--most of the "cool" things to do have been organized by extroverts for extroverts, and most of them involve a lot of noise and do not require much mental ability (e.g., sporting events). While I have no quibble with this per se, I would like to remind the more socially-oriented, noise-loving majority that there are those of us who like our peace and quiet, and quite honestly hate that shit (after spending several days around my mom's overtly gregarious family earlier this week, I was totally drained).
My wife is the same way.
I would also say that it helps to put ideas together in a cogent and logical fashion if there isn't a lot of noise clouding your thinking. At least that's how I see it. An exception is orchestrated noise (or music). Even then, I don't like it too loud, even if it's stuff I like.
I'm sorry to carry us so far astray from the topic of this thread, but you started it.  |
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Snake
SFN Addict
USA
2511 Posts |
Posted - 08/16/2002 : 00:37:19 [Permalink]
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quote:
I'm sorry to carry us so far astray from the topic of this thread, but you started it.
No problem but would you like to continue the discussion in the other folder I started called Discussing Jokes, or start a new folder. What you've said is IMO important and I so much agree with you and would like to add to it.
Ps. can you please check your email, here. 
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*Carabao forever
*SAN FERNANDO VALLEY SECESSION - YES
*All lives are movie settings, it's what channel you're on that counts. Zatikia
*Just because I don't care, doesn't mean I don't understand.
Homer Jaye S. |
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James
SFN Regular
USA
754 Posts |
Posted - 08/21/2002 : 13:35:06 [Permalink]
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Warning!! This is a groaner!!
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh, my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you."
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the theater, followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap .........and stay for breakfast.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!! Everything had been SO incredible!!!!
"You know," he says, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies........."
(Ready?)
"You just happened to catch my eye."
________________________
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
Two more years...Two more years...Two more years...Two more years...Two more years...
*whine* |
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Snake
SFN Addict
USA
2511 Posts |
Posted - 08/27/2002 : 01:49:20 [Permalink]
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REASONS WHY A HANDGUN IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN
You can buy a silencer for a handgun.
You can trade a .44 for two .22's.
You can have a handgun at home and another for the road.
If you admire a friend's handgun and tell him so, he will be impressed and
let you try a few rounds with it.
Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a backup.
Your handgun will stay with you even if you are out of ammo.
A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
Handguns function normally every day of the month.
A handgun won't ask, "Do these grips make me look fat?"
A handgun does not mind if you go to sleep after you're done using it.
You can have more than one handgun living in the same house without having problems.
A handgun doesn't care how big your trigger finger is.
A handgun won't tell all of its friends if you are a "little fast on the
trigger".
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*Carabao forever
*SAN FERNANDO VALLEY SECESSION - YES
*All lives are movie settings, it's what channel you're on that counts. Zatikia
*Just because I don't care, doesn't mean I don't understand.
Homer Jaye S. |
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jmcginn
Skeptic Friend
343 Posts |
Posted - 08/27/2002 : 06:24:47 [Permalink]
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quote:
REASONS WHY A HANDGUN IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN
Hehe, this should be the NRA's next ad campaign LOL.
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The SollyLama
Skeptic Friend
USA
234 Posts |
Posted - 08/29/2002 : 09:52:18 [Permalink]
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Two kids, one 5 and one 7, decide it's time to learn how to swear. The 7 year old tells the 5 year old that he will say 'hell' and the 5 year old should say 'ass'.
The next morning at the breakfast table, mom asks them what they want to eat. The 7 year old says:
"Hell mom, just give me some Trix"
The mom belts the kid across the room and he runs to his room in tears. Mom turns to the 5 year old and asks what he wants. The 5 year old says:
"I dunno, but you can bet your ass it won't be Trix."
Rim shot---Fade----Cut
And nothing really rocks, And nothing really rolls. And nothing's ever worth the cost. |
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Snake
SFN Addict
USA
2511 Posts |
Posted - 08/30/2002 : 00:03:36 [Permalink]
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quote:
"I dunno, but you can bet your ass it won't be Trix.
That's pretty funny!
I'm going to borrow it.
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*Carabao forever
*SAN FERNANDO VALLEY SECESSION - YES
*All lives are movie settings, it's what channel you're on that counts. Zatikia
*Just because I don't care, doesn't mean I don't understand.
Homer Jaye S. |
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Bradley
Skeptic Friend
USA
147 Posts |
Posted - 08/30/2002 : 08:15:04 [Permalink]
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A wagon master and his chief driver were riding point on a wagon train heading west along the Oregon trail and passed an encampment of Hassidim. An old man shouted, "Vatch out for de bacon tree!"
Confused, the wagon master turned to the driver and said, "'Bacon tree?' What the hell did that old coot mean, 'bacon tree?'"
"Beats me," replied the driver. "But it's gettin' on toward sundown and we'd better make camp over that next ridge."
When they crossed the ridge, their party was attacked and decimated by a band of hostile Sioux. The wagon master straggled back to the Hassidim's camp along with the pitiful remnant of his train, arrow-riddled and badly beaten.
Spying the old Hassid he asked resentfully, "Say, you old fool, what was all that buffalo flop about a 'bacon tree?' Why didn't you tell us about them Injuns?"
"Oy!" replied the old man. "Vat did I say 'bacon tree?' I meant 'Vatch out for de ham bush!"
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Guy goes to the opthamologist. Doctor says, "Say, mister, you've got to cut out all that - ahem - self-gratification."
Guy says, "Why? Am I going blind?"
Doctor says, "No, you're disturbing the other patients out in the waiting room."
"Too much doubt is better than too much credulity."
-Robert Green Ingersoll (1833 - 1899) |
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