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Snake
SFN Addict
USA
2511 Posts |
Posted - 11/08/2001 : 14:46:37 [Permalink]
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Wish I could give someone credit for this but it was a forward from an e-group I'm on. --------------------------- God vs. Satan In the beginning God created the heavens and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void.
And Satan said, "It doesn't get any better than this."
And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light. Let the earth bring forth grass, seed, and the fruit tree yielding healthy fruit." And God saw that it was good.
And Satan said, "Bummer, there goes the neighborhood."
And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness." And so God created Man in his own image; male and female he created them. And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.
And Satan said, "I know how I can get back into this game."
And God planted the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
And Satan created McDonald's.
And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?"
And Man said, "SuperSize them." And Man gained 5 pounds.
And God created healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth chocolate.
And Woman gained 5 pounds.
And God said, "Try my crispy fresh garden salad."
And Satan brought forth Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream. And Woman gained 15 pounds.
And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak & gravy so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds, and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
And God brought forth running shoes, and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.
And Satan brought forth Cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds.
And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil." And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour-cream dip also.
And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
And then Satan created HMO's.
And then God just plain gave up....
Rap Crap is to music what Paint by Numbers is to art. |
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NubiWan
Skeptic Friend
USA
424 Posts |
Posted - 11/15/2001 : 23:09:28 [Permalink]
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Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all the bickering. Finally, God said, "Cool it! I am going to set up a test which will take two hours and I will judge who does the better job." So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They did spreadsheets. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out media files. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. But, ten minutes before the time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured, and of course the electricity went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically screaming, "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!" Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became even more irate. "Wait! He cheated! How in Hell did he do it??!!" The Son of God smiled, looked over at Satan and said: "Jesus saves."
"If we believe absurdities, we shall commit atrocities." -Voltaire |
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Snake
SFN Addict
USA
2511 Posts |
Posted - 11/26/2001 : 18:59:39 [Permalink]
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Sent to me from an email:
Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid".
That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me... oops, never mind, didn't see your sign."
* It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My neighbor comes over and says "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."
* A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, and I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope. Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."
* I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "All right Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good..... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign.... I don't wanna lose it."
* Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."
* We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Darn that's hot!" See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.
* I learned to drive an 18-wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't you know I misjudged the height of a bridge? The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning....ok.....no problem. I thought sure he was clear of needing a sign..... until he asked "So......is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said, "no I'm delivering a bridge......here's your sign."
* I stayed late at work one night and a co-worker looked at me and said, "Are you still here?" I replied, "No. I left about 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign."
Anybody you know need a sign today?
Rap Crap is to music what Paint by Numbers is to art. |
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Lisa
SFN Regular
USA
1223 Posts |
Posted - 11/26/2001 : 19:27:30 [Permalink]
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Snake, have you ever heard the whole CD? My boss loaned it to me and then left. I had decided not to take lunch that day, so I was alone in the office. I laughed until I was crying! Later, the CD was played for the whole office (five of us). "Here's your sign" almost became our watchword. For example: "So what do we know about the guy giving the briefing this afternoon?" "Here's your sign" "Oh shit, lemme see if I can schedule a dental exam."
We could get our own nominees going here. I'll start with this one: You walk into a restaurant at 1230, and the hostess asks "Are you here for lunch?" No lady, I'm not here for lunch. Its 1230, I haven't had anything to eat since 0600, but for fun I like to wander into random businesses about this time. Oh, and BTW, here's your sign. Lisa
If you're not living on the edge, you're taking up too much room. |
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Snake
SFN Addict
USA
2511 Posts |
Posted - 11/26/2001 : 19:42:25 [Permalink]
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quote:
Snake, have you ever heard the whole CD
CD? What CD? Someone sent that to me in an email (just as you see, I cut and pasted what they sent), she didn't state where it was from. Oh, it's a record? What's it called, who does it?
Rap Crap is to music what Paint by Numbers is to art. |
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Lisa
SFN Regular
USA
1223 Posts |
Posted - 11/26/2001 : 20:01:40 [Permalink]
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Sorry, the guy who loaned me that CD is since out of the service and has moved to FLA. And I can't remember the guys name. I'll ask around. Might take a few days, so patience is required. Lisa (Oh, then you haven't heard this guy's rant about fat people at Coney Island. It heavily involves corn dogs)
If you're not living on the edge, you're taking up too much room. |
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Zandermann
Skeptic Friend
USA
431 Posts |
Posted - 11/26/2001 : 20:12:23 [Permalink]
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I *think* this is a Jeff Foxworthy routine (he of "You May Be a Redneck" fame) |
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Trish
SFN Addict
USA
2102 Posts |
Posted - 11/27/2001 : 11:30:31 [Permalink]
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Nope! It's Bill Ingval. Played Jeff Foxworthy's brother on whatever the TV show was. (Useless trivia.) Tho, sitting there ROTFLYAO at Jeff Foxworthy is quite possible also.
It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them. -Mark Twain |
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Piltdown
Skeptic Friend
USA
312 Posts |
Posted - 11/28/2001 : 01:31:30 [Permalink]
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A lady wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in her tree. She looks in the phone book and finds a gorilla removal service.
When she asks if they can remove the gorilla, the service guy asks, "is it a male or female?''
"male" she replies
"oh yeah, we can do it. I'll be right there." he states.
An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs.
He then gives the woman some instructions. "I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls out of the tree. When he does, the trained chihuahua will go to bite the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself, allowing you to handcuff him."
The woman asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?"
The service guy replies,"If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla does, shoot the chihuahua."
Abducting UFOs and conspiring against conspiracy theorists since 1980. |
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Garrette
SFN Regular
USA
562 Posts |
Posted - 11/28/2001 : 03:14:11 [Permalink]
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A young man is newly commissioned as a Lieutenant in the Australian Army. His first assignment is an extremely remote outpost in the outback.
After a plane flight to the most remote airport, he boards a train that rides for days until the track runs out. Then he hitches a ride with a rickety car until the road stops. He rides a donkey until it dies, then follows an aborigine for a week until they finally reach the most awful, forsaken post you've ever seen.
First thing he does (he remembers this from his Military Courtesies class) is present himself to the Post Commander, a rather pleasant-looking fellow in a slightly ruffled uniform. The following conversation takes place.
Commander: Well, son, welcome. I know it looks bad here, but I don't want you to think that we don't have any fun or any worthwhile means of passing the time. For instance, every Monday night all the officers meet at the club and play poker until all our money is gone. It's a grand time.
Lieutenant: Thank you for the offer, sir, but I'm afraid I don't gamble.
Commander: Don't gamble? No problem, son. Every Tuesday night the officers meet in the club and drink free booze until we pass out on the floor.
Lieutenant: Thanks again, sir, but I'm afraid I don't drink, either.
Commander: No drinking, eh? Oh, well, that's no problem, either. You see, every Wednesday nights we bring in the most beautiful aborigine women to strip and have sex with. It's a great, great time.
Lieutenant: Again, sir, I appreciate the offer, but I've sworn not to have relations with a woman until I'm married.
Commander: Hmmmm.....No gambling, no drinking, and no sex?
Lieutenant: Correct, sir.
Commander: You're not, by any chance....GAY, are you, Lieutenant?
Lieutenant: I most certainly am NOT, Sir!
Commander: Oh. Well, I guess you won't like what we do on Thursday nights, either.
My kids still love me. |
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NubiWan
Skeptic Friend
USA
424 Posts |
Posted - 11/28/2001 : 16:31:32 [Permalink]
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A man is in court for murder and the judge says: "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."
A voice at the back of the court shouts: "You bastard!"
Then the judge continues: "You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a hammer."
Again the voice at the back of the court says: "You bastard!"
The judge says: "We cannot have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! Now, just what is your problem, sir?"
The loud man at the back of the court replies: "Fifteen years I lived next door to that bastard, fifteen damned years, and everytime I asked to borrow a hammer the bastard said he didn't have one!"
"If we believe absurdities, we shall commit atrocities." -Voltaire |
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gezzam
SFN Regular
Australia
751 Posts |
Posted - 11/28/2001 : 17:00:06 [Permalink]
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quote: A young man is newly commissioned as a Lieutenant in the Australian Army. His first assignment is an extremely remote outpost in the outback.
After a plane flight to the most remote airport, he boards a train that rides for days until the track runs out. Then he hitches a ride with a rickety car until the road stops. He rides a donkey until it dies, then follows an aborigine for a week until they finally reach the most awful, forsaken post you've ever seen.
First thing he does (he remembers this from his Military Courtesies class) is present himself to the Post Commander, a rather pleasant-looking fellow in a slightly ruffled uniform. The following conversation takes place.
Commander: Well, son, welcome. I know it looks bad here, but I don't want you to think that we don't have any fun or any worthwhile means of passing the time. For instance, every Monday night all the officers meet at the club and play poker until all our money is gone. It's a grand time.
Lieutenant: Thank you for the offer, sir, but I'm afraid I don't gamble.
Commander: Don't gamble? No problem, son. Every Tuesday night the officers meet in the club and drink free booze until we pass out on the floor.
Lieutenant: Thanks again, sir, but I'm afraid I don't drink, either.
Commander: No drinking, eh? Oh, well, that's no problem, either. You see, every Wednesday nights we bring in the most beautiful aborigine women to strip and have sex with. It's a great, great time.
Lieutenant: Again, sir, I appreciate the offer, but I've sworn not to have relations with a woman until I'm married.
Commander: Hmmmm.....No gambling, no drinking, and no sex?
Lieutenant: Correct, sir.
Commander: You're not, by any chance....GAY, are you, Lieutenant?
Lieutenant: I most certainly am NOT, Sir!
Commander: Oh. Well, I guess you won't like what we do on Thursday nights, either.
Oh come on....settle down on the Aussie jokes.....in future could you please replace all references to "Australian" with "New Zealander".........;-))
"Damn you people. Go back to your shanties." --- Shooter McGavin |
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gezzam
SFN Regular
Australia
751 Posts |
Posted - 11/28/2001 : 20:57:11 [Permalink]
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A man was walking along a California beach and was in deep prayer to the Lord. He said, "Lord, you have promised to give me the desires of my heart. That's what I am asking you for right now. Please give me a confirmation that you will grant my wish."
Suddenly the sky clouded up over his head and the Lord in a booming voice spoke to him. "I have searched your heart and determined it to be pure.
The last time I issued a blank wish request it was to Solomon. He didn't disappoint me with his request for wisdom. I think I can trust that you won't disappoint me either. Because you have been faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish you ask for."
The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm deadly afraid of flying and I get very seasick on boats. Could you build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over there to visit whenever I want?"
The Lord laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific?
Think of how much concrete...how much steel!!! Your request is very materialistic, a little disappointing. I could do it, but it's hard for me to justify your craving for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify Me as well."
The man thought about it for a long while and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "Here's the deal, Lord. I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So I wish that I could understand women...I want to know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment...I want to know why they're crying...I want to know what they really mean when they say 'nothing'...I want to know how to make them truly happy...That's the wish that I want, Lord."
Then after a few minutes, God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
"Damn you people. Go back to your shanties." --- Shooter McGavin |
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PhDreamer
SFN Regular
USA
925 Posts |
Posted - 11/28/2001 : 21:24:17 [Permalink]
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A man is in a hospital waiting room, as his wife is getting a checkup. After awhile, the nurse enters and says, "Mr. Smith, could you follow me please?" The man follows her into a small room where the doctor is waiting alone.
"Mr. Smith," the doctor begins, "I have some bad news but I'm not sure how to tell you."
"Go ahead," replies Mr. Smith, "I can handle it."
"Well, one of the nurses was picking up medical records from some of the examination rooms and she noticed there were two Jane L. Smiths in two different examination rooms. One of the record sets is your wife's but we don't know which is which."
"Okay, go on."
"Well, it seems that your wife either has a moderate case of Alzheimer's or she is HIV positive."
"So how the hell do I know what she has?"
"Our suggestion is this: When you leave, get your wife in the car, drive out in the middle of nowhere and drop her off. If she finds her way home, don't have sex with her."
Adventure? Excitement? A Jedi craves not these things. - Silent Bob |
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Mespo_man
Skeptic Friend
USA
312 Posts |
Posted - 11/29/2001 : 11:43:50 [Permalink]
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E-MAIL FROM THE CAVE
From: Bin Laden, Osama
Sent: Monday, November 26, 2001 8:17 AM
To: Cavemates
Subject: The Cave
Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours but we've really come together as a group and I love that. Big thanks to Omar for putting up the poster that says "There is no I in team" as well as the one that says "Hang In There, Baby." That cat is hilarious.
However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave. And frankly I have a few concerns.
First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the scorpions in our cave. Hey, you don't want to be stung and neither do I so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've posted a sign up sheet near the main cave opening.
Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare the most powerful country on earth, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your razor scooter in the background. Just while we're taping. Thanks.
Third point, and this is a touchy one. As you know, by edict, we're not supposed to shave our beards. But I need everyone to just think hygiene, especially after mealtime. We're all in this together.
Fourth: food. I bought a box of Cheez-Its recently, clearly wrote "Osama" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, my Cheez-Its were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying.
Finally, we've heard that there may be American soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammed, Abdul, Akbar, and Richard.
Love you lots,
Osama |
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