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Lisa
SFN Regular
USA
1223 Posts |
 Posted - 11/29/2001 : 13:10:38 [Permalink]
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Mespo, I just e-mailed that to my husband in Qatar. I really liked the last part. I'll sure he'll get a good chuckle. Thanks.
Lisa
If you're not living on the edge, you're taking up too much room. |
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James
SFN Regular
USA
754 Posts |
Posted - 12/06/2001 : 06:56:01 [Permalink]
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How to Please Your I.T. Department:
1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.
3. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.
4. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.
5. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.
6. Don't learn the proper term for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "My thingy blew up".
7. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.
8. Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.
"Necessity may be the mother of invention, but laziness is usually the father." -Bailey's First Law |
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Trish
SFN Addict
USA
2102 Posts |
Posted - 12/06/2001 : 09:06:27 [Permalink]
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Equal Opportunity Bashing 
Bill Clinton finally found a new job. He's back on Capitol Hil in DC.
His wife has hired him to open her mail.
It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them. -Mark Twain |
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PhDreamer
SFN Regular
USA
925 Posts |
Posted - 12/11/2001 : 10:28:09 [Permalink]
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A fundamentalist preacher was taking a walk one day and happened upon a
young girl who was playing with something in a cardboard box. When he
got closer he could see that in the box was a litter of new-born
kittens.
"What kind of kittens are those?" asked the preacher.
"Why, they're Christian kittens," replied the little girl.
The preacher walked on, pleased to see that the little girl had Jesus
foremost in her heart.
A week later, the preacher was walking down the same street and saw the
little girl again playing with the kittens.
"And how are your little Christian kittens doing today?" asked the man
of God.
"Oh, they aren't Christian kittens, they're atheist kittens," replied
the girl.
"But..but.. I thought you said last week that they were Christian
kittens," sputtered the flabbergasted preacher.
"Oh, they were. But now their eyes are open."
Adventure? Excitement? A Jedi craves not these things. - Silent Bob |
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Lecroix
New Member
USA
4 Posts |
Posted - 12/11/2001 : 11:26:51 [Permalink]
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I just have to say PHDreamer, that that was so great, and so true.
~Jeremiah
Don't look at me, ~I~ didn't create this mess. |
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James
SFN Regular
USA
754 Posts |
Posted - 12/15/2001 : 18:49:18 [Permalink]
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quote:
A fundamentalist preacher was taking a walk one day and happened upon a
young girl who was playing with something in a cardboard box. When he
got closer he could see that in the box was a litter of new-born
kittens.
"What kind of kittens are those?" asked the preacher.
"Why, they're Christian kittens," replied the little girl.
The preacher walked on, pleased to see that the little girl had Jesus
foremost in her heart.
A week later, the preacher was walking down the same street and saw the
little girl again playing with the kittens.
"And how are your little Christian kittens doing today?" asked the man
of God.
"Oh, they aren't Christian kittens, they're atheist kittens," replied
the girl.
"But..but.. I thought you said last week that they were Christian
kittens," sputtered the flabbergasted preacher.
"Oh, they were. But now their eyes are open."
Adventure? Excitement? A Jedi craves not these things. - Silent Bob
ROTFLMAO
Oh, I loved it, PD!
"Necessity may be the mother of invention, but laziness is usually the father." -Bailey's First Law |
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PhDreamer
SFN Regular
USA
925 Posts |
Posted - 12/16/2001 : 20:38:09 [Permalink]
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My secret is AOL. If any of you have access, you might attempt to navigate the hell that is AOL message boards. Best thing is to type 'atheism' into the address box in the AOL browser. That has links to a few of the more interesting message boards. The atheism board is unique, a support forum rather than a debate forum. The regulars are an interesting bunch, quite liberal, and rather prolific posters. There are usually a half-dozen new jokes every week.
Adventure? Excitement? A Jedi craves not these things. - Silent Bob |
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James
SFN Regular
USA
754 Posts |
Posted - 12/17/2001 : 07:24:42 [Permalink]
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Things to ponder:
1. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?
2. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
3. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?
4. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
5. Is there another word for synonym?
6. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
7. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
8. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
"Necessity may be the mother of invention, but laziness is usually the father." -Bailey's First Law |
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Trish
SFN Addict
USA
2102 Posts |
Posted - 12/17/2001 : 09:26:09 [Permalink]
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Things to ponder:
1. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?
Um, no - they aren't square. Yeesh!
2. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Hand get washed anyway - must be his mind - it originated the thought.
3. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?
Oh, very much so.
4. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Yeah, we just hope personality 2 overrides personality 1, it's kind of hard for the sniper to tell the difference.
5. Is there another word for synonym?
Nope.
6. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
Less than - I'm taking a SWAG.
7. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Both.
8. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
You've failed at succeeding.
OK, smack me now.
It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them. -Mark Twain |
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Espritch
Skeptic Friend
USA
284 Posts |
Posted - 12/17/2001 : 14:01:02 [Permalink]
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1. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?
Maybe they are going as laundry.
2. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
No. But the Nun slaps his mouth with a ruler.
3. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?
No. He is merely irrelevant.
4. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Well, in my humble opion...Shut up you! He was talking to me!
5. Is there another word for synonym?
No. Synonym has no synonym, but curiously, it has an antonym.
6. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
No. It's disturbing that politicians call what they do "public service".
7. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
He's soup.
8. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Don't even try it. You'll just set yourself up to succeed.
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Lecroix
New Member
USA
4 Posts |
Posted - 12/20/2001 : 12:29:03 [Permalink]
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QUOTES TAKEN FROM FEDERAL EMPLOYEE PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS
1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
6. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
7. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
8. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
9. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
10. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."
11. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together."
12. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
13. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
15. "He's been working with glue too much."
16. "He would argue with a signpost."
17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
24. "Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
28. "It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
29. "One neuron short of a synapse."
30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes."
32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."
33. "He's got something in common with the President - they've both gotten as high up in government as they're going to."
Don't look at me, ~I~ didn't create this mess. |
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James
SFN Regular
USA
754 Posts |
Posted - 12/21/2001 : 15:11:27 [Permalink]
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Using the ATM - Men vs. Women
HIS
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number and account
4. Take cash, card and receipt
HER
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
3. Hunt for card in purse
4. Get out of car because you're too far from machine
5. Insert card
6. Hunt in purse for wrapper with PIN number written on it
7. Enter PIN number
8. Hit "cancel"
9. Re-enter correct PIN number
10. Make cash withdrawal
11. Start pulling away
12. STOP
13. Back up to machine
14. Get out of car
15. Take card and receipt
"Necessity may be the mother of invention, but laziness is usually the father." -Bailey's First Law |
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Trish
SFN Addict
USA
2102 Posts |
Posted - 12/22/2001 : 02:16:28 [Permalink]
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Oil Changing Instructions for Women:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3)15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
$20.00 for oil change
$1.00 for coffee
Total = $21.00
Oil Change instructions for Men:
1) Go to O' Reillys auto parts and write a check for $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty Litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree.
2) Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: get hot oil on you in process.
12) Clean up mess.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Look for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.
16) Beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18) Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
30) Drink beer.
31) Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floor boards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in her overabundant chest.
35) Beer.
36) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood
flow.
37) Beer.
38) Beer.
39) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
40) Beer.
41) Lower car from jack stands.
42) Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
43) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
44) Beer.
45) Test drive car.
46) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
47) Car gets impounded.
48) Make bail: Get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
$50.00 parts
$25.00 beer
$75.00 replacement set of jack stands
$1,000.00 Bail
It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them. -Mark Twain |
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James
SFN Regular
USA
754 Posts |
Posted - 12/23/2001 : 09:53:20 [Permalink]
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Fruitcake Recipe
1 cup water, 1 cup sugar, 4 large eggs, 2 cups dried fruit, 1 teaspoon baking soda, 1 teaspoon salt, 1 cup brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, 1 gallon whiskey.
Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again to be sure it's of the highest quality. Pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat 1 cup butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again.
Make sure whiskey is still OK. Cry another tup. Turn off mixer.
Breat 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuch in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver. Samole the whiskey for tonsisticity.
Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or Something. Who cares? Check the whiskey. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you find. Grease the oven.
Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whiskey again. Go to bed. Who in heck likes fruitcake anyway???
"Necessity may be the mother of invention, but laziness is usually the father." -Bailey's First Law |
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James
SFN Regular
USA
754 Posts |
Posted - 12/24/2001 : 11:50:41 [Permalink]
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An oldie, but a goodie:
Do you know what would have happened if there had been Three Wise Women instead of Three Wise Men?
*They would have asked directions,
*Arrived on time,
*Helped deliver the baby,
*Cleaned the stable,
*Made a casserole,
*Brought practical gifts and
*There would be Peace On Earth.
"Necessity may be the mother of invention, but laziness is usually the father." -Bailey's First Law |
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