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Bradley
Skeptic Friend
USA
147 Posts |
 Posted - 12/27/2001 : 12:18:10 [Permalink]
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Q. Why wasn't jesus born in Lynchburg?
A. They couldn't find a virgin or three wise men.
"Too much doubt is better than too much credulity."
-Robert Green Ingersoll (1833 - 1899) |
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James
SFN Regular
USA
754 Posts |
Posted - 12/31/2001 : 22:01:57 [Permalink]
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Final joke of the year:
The Twelve Days After Christmas
The first day after Christmas
My true love and I had a fight
And so I chopped the pear tree down
And burned it just for spite.
Then with a single cartridge
I shot that blasted partridge
My true love, my true love,
My true love gave to me.
The second day after Christmas,
I pulled on the old rubber gloves
And very gently rung the necks
Of both those turtle doves
My true love, my true love,
My true love gave to me.
The third day after Christmas,
My mother caught the croup.
I had to use those three French hens
To make some chicken soup.
The four calling birds were a big mistake
For their language was obscene.
The five gold rings were completely fake
And they turned my fingers green.
The sixth day after Christmas,
The six laying geese wouldn't lay.
I gave the whole darn gaggle
to The ASPCA.
On the seventh day, what a mess I found:
All seven of the swimming swans had drowned
My true love, my true love,
My true love gave to me.
The eighth day after Christmas,
Before they could suspect,
I bundled up the
Eight maids a milking,
Nine ladies dancing,
Ten lords-a-leaping,
Eleven pipers piping,
Twelve drummers drumming --
(Well, actually I kept one of the maids.)
And sent them back collect.
I told my true love,
"We are through, love,"
And I said, in so many words,
"Furthermore your Christmas gifts
Were for the birds!"
*(sung while half the choir is holding "birds")
Four calling birds,
Three French hens,
Two turtle doves,
And a partridge in a pear tree.
Author unknown
"Necessity may be the mother of invention, but laziness is usually the father." -Bailey's First Law |
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Snake
SFN Addict
USA
2511 Posts |
Posted - 01/01/2002 : 17:50:15 [Permalink]
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NEWS UPDATE: Terrorists Multiplying in the Southeast U.S.
The governors of Alabama, Georgia & Mississippi would like to announce that they have made a disturbing discovery in their states.
Apparently, a small number of terrorists have become romantically involved with the locals. The result was not pretty, and we now have the sad task of reporting a new sector of the human race:
ISLAMABUBBAS.
So far, only a smattering of actual births has been reported, and we are hard at work trying to isolate and seal them off.
To date, we have identified the following:
Mohammed Billy Bob Abba Bubba
Mohammed Jethro Bin Thinkin Bout It
Mohammed Forrest Gumpa Bubba
Mohammed Rubba Dub Dubba Bubba
Bobbie Joe Bubba Charlene Atat
Betty Jean Hasbeena Badgurl
Cleavie Daba Hava Tampa
Linda Sue Bin There Dunthat
Not surprisingly, they all seem to have sprung from one couple:
Mohammed Whoozyadaddy and Yomamma Bin Lovin
Rap Crap is to music what Paint by Numbers is to art. |
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Snake
SFN Addict
USA
2511 Posts |
Posted - 01/02/2002 : 20:33:54 [Permalink]
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"Saving a choking person"
Two cowboys from Texas walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking a beer, and talking about current cattle prices. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the cowboys looks at her and say's, "Kin ya swaller?" The woman shakes her head, no. "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head.
The cowboy walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her panties and slowly runs his tongue from the back of her thigh up to the small of her back. The woman is so shocked, that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the cowboy walks slowly back to the bar and takes a drink from his beer.
His partner says, " Ya know, I'd heard of that there "Hind Lick maneuver, but I ain"t never seen nobody do it.
Rap Crap is to music what Paint by Numbers is to art. |
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Badger
Skeptic Friend
Canada
257 Posts |
Posted - 01/04/2002 : 12:17:07 [Permalink]
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A horse walks into a bar.
Bartender says "Hey, why the long face?"
Just because we're hypnotized, that don't mean we can't dance. - Tonio K. |
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Piltdown
Skeptic Friend
USA
312 Posts |
Posted - 01/12/2002 : 23:25:25 [Permalink]
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"Aggie jokes"
These are a "tradition" here at Texas Tech, whose more fanatical adherents see themselves as the arch-rivals and the arch-nemesis of Texas Agricultural and Mechanical University, home of the fabled Aggies. I take rather a dim view of this, personally. But, I have to admit that the Aggies are often insufferably goofy; from their baggy-trousered 1920s US Cavalry uniforms and white sidewall haircuts to their practice of kissing their girlfriends and doing pushups (not usually at the same time) after each touchdown by their famous-for-choking football team.
A collegue, a rabid Aggie-hater, sent me these two specimens under the title "Deadlettuce Project", an apparent reference to some information I had sent him about the British Interplanetary Society's "Daedalus Project".
quote:
At least ol' Daedalus knew better than to fly to
close to his son.
There was a team of engineers at Texas A&M who, without consulting their Dean or Dept Chairman, applied for a federal grant to build a space craft in which to travel to the sun.
Soon thereafter the Dean summoned them to his office
and said, "Of all the lame-brained ideas! Why
the hell would anyone want to go to the sun?"
They replied, of course, that man had already been to
the Moon.
"But", railed the Dean, "Don't you know the Sun is so hot
it would melt you and your space craft?"
"Oh we know that, came the indignant reply, that's why
we're going at night!"
But seriously, folks, a few months ago they were renovating
the basements in one of the engineering buildings at A&M.
While clearing out the sub-basement, someone discovered
a human skeleton underneath some toppled book shelves.
They did some forensic testing and found it was their
1929 Hide & Go Seek champion.
Abducting UFOs and conspiring against conspiracy theorists since 1980. |
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Snake
SFN Addict
USA
2511 Posts |
Posted - 01/13/2002 : 02:13:15 [Permalink]
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The Washington Post asked readers to take any word from the dictionary... alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter... and supply a new definition!
Here are some recent winners:
1) Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
2) Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a
hillbilly.
3) Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
4) Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5) Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
6) Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7) Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
8) Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (this one got extra credit)
9) Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
10) Glibido: All talk and no action.
11) Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
And, the pick of the liter(ature):
12) Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole. |
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Snake
SFN Addict
USA
2511 Posts |
Posted - 01/13/2002 : 02:16:06 [Permalink]
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The Hunting trip
A father and son went hunting together for the first time.
The father said, "Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field."
A few minutes later, the father heard a blood-curdling scream and ran back to his son. "What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet."
The son answered, "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck.
But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said,
'Should we eat them here or take them with us?'................
I guess I just panicked |
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The Rat
SFN Regular
Canada
1370 Posts |
Posted - 01/16/2002 : 17:50:28 [Permalink]
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quote:
Three guys walk into a bar. You'd think the third guy would have seen the first two hit.
-- How's my posting? Call 1-800-GET-BENT
A skeleton walks into a bar and says "Hi, I'll have a beer and a mop".
Free speech; excercise it or SHUT UP! |
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The Rat
SFN Regular
Canada
1370 Posts |
Posted - 01/16/2002 : 17:56:13 [Permalink]
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One of my favourites from Sam Kinison;
Xtian (at crucifixion): " It's a shame he has to die"
Jesus (shouting from cross): "Well maybe I wouldn't have to die if somebody would get a LADDER and a pair of PLIERS!!" [Kinison, 0:0]
Free speech; excercise it or SHUT UP! |
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Garrette
SFN Regular
USA
562 Posts |
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Snake
SFN Addict
USA
2511 Posts |
Posted - 01/25/2002 : 21:31:13 [Permalink]
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I think this ones been around, hope you enjoy it anyway. nlm
==============================
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a
virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how
great it was going to be, but it never happened.
Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, he said he'd look into it and get back to me, but it never happened.
Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything, checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he was going to be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it, and then analyze how it might have been.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was...........God! I miss him!!!
But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the lawyer, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
Rap Crap is to music what Paint by Numbers is to art!
Yes, I am NormaL!!
Carabao forever!!! |
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chee
New Member
USA
35 Posts |
Posted - 01/28/2002 : 10:38:17 [Permalink]
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For what it's worth:
A 10 year old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they enrolled their son in a private Catholic school.
After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern focused look on his face, went right past them and into his bedroom, and closed the door.
For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - math books strewn about. He emerged long enough to eat and, after cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, and studied until bedtime.
This pattern continued until report card time.
The boy came home with his first report card - unopened - laid it on the table and went straight to his room. Cautiously his mother opened it and was delighted to see a big "A" under the subject of math. Overjoyed she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his progress.
"Was it the nuns that did it?" the father asked, but the boy shook his head no.
"Was it the one on one tutoring? The peer mentoring?"
"No."
"The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?"
"Nope", said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy they nailed to the big plus sign, I just knew they meant business!"
A colder place I've never known, than with someone but yet alone. |
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Trish
SFN Addict
USA
2102 Posts |
Posted - 01/28/2002 : 11:45:22 [Permalink]
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Another weird one from one of my list serve groups:
Fat Theology
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And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetable of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double-cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?"
And Man said, "Super size them." And Man gained pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth chocolate. And woman gained pounds.
And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."
And Satan brought forth ice cream. And woman gained pounds.
And God said, "I have sent your heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.
And Man gained pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.
And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2.
And Man gained pounds.
And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."
And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also.
And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.
And Satan saw and said, "It is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
And Satan created HMOs.
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There is no better demonstration of the folly of human conceits than this distant image of our world. It underscores our responsibility to deal more kindly with one another, to preserve and cherish the pale blue dot, the only home we've known. Sagan |
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Garrette
SFN Regular
USA
562 Posts |
Posted - 01/28/2002 : 11:48:11 [Permalink]
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I responded to this joke with someone else once this way:
They didn't nail that kid to the plus sign for failing math.
They nailed him to the plus sign because the other kids were failing math.
And the teachers didn't do it; the kid's dad did even though the dad could have provided tutors to all the other kids to make them understand math.
Instead, dad figured if he killed his own kid, it would be okay that the other kids didn't know math.
Then dad took the kid down from the plus sign and said, "It's okay, son; now you get to be in charge of all the other kids at graduation and tell them which ones of them passed math."
My kids still love me. |
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