|
|
|
NubiWan
Skeptic Friend
USA
424 Posts |
 Posted - 08/13/2001 : 08:58:09 [Permalink]
|
Q: What do Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd have in common?
A: The Wall was their last big hit!
Q: What is the differance between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
A: One less drunk guy.
"If we believe absurdities, we shall commit atrocities."
-Voltaire
Edited by - NubiWan on 08/13/2001 09:31:00 |
 |
|
|
NubiWan
Skeptic Friend
USA
424 Posts |
Posted - 08/13/2001 : 09:08:34 [Permalink]
|
A man walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool alone. He walks up to her and says,
"Hi there, how's it going tonight?"
She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says,
"I'll screw anybody anytime, anywhere, anyplace, it doesn't matter to me."
The guy raises his eyebrows and says,
"No kidding? What law firm are you with?"
"If we believe absurdities, we shall commit atrocities."
-Voltaire |
|
|
|
NubiWan
Skeptic Friend
USA
424 Posts |
Posted - 08/13/2001 : 09:21:01 [Permalink]
|
Being an ol' salt, last but best...
Long ago there sailed an officer of the Royal Navy named Capt. Bravado. He was a brave man, who showed no fear when doing battle with his enemies. One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship approaching, and the crew became frantic.
Captain Bravado bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"
The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates.
That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumph, when one of them asked the Captain,
"Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"
The captain replied, "If I were to be wounded in the attack, the shirt would not show my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid."
All the men sat and marveled at the courage of such a manly man's man.
When dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but FIVE pirate ships approaching. The crew stared in worshipful silence at the captain and waited for his usual orders. Captain Bravado gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and showing no fear, turned and shouted,
to the first mate,
"Quick, bring me my brown pants!"
"If we believe absurdities, we shall commit atrocities."
-Voltaire |
|
|
|
Valiant Dancer
Forum Goalie
USA
4826 Posts |
Posted - 08/14/2001 : 01:34:38 [Permalink]
|
quote:
A man walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool alone. He walks up to her and says,
"Hi there, how's it going tonight?"
She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says,
"I'll screw anybody anytime, anywhere, anyplace, it doesn't matter to me."
The guy raises his eyebrows and says,
"No kidding? What law firm are you with?"
"If we believe absurdities, we shall commit atrocities."
-Voltaire
A cruise ship sinks in shark infested waters. Through bad planning, all of the survivors are in one boat and all the supplies are in another, including oars.
One of the sailors says, "Well, since this is our fault, I will swim over to the boat to get the supplies." He jumps into the water and is instantly devoured by a shark. To make a long story short, three other people try and are horribly eaten.
A man in an Italian suit says, "I'll go." The rest of the people in the boat object. He jumps in and starts swiming for the boat. He reaches out and grabs the dorsal fin of a shark and it pulls him right over to the supply ship. When he gets back to the other ship, the other passengers ask him how he did it. "I'm a lawyer," remarked the man. "Professional courtesy."
----------------------
Labratories will start testing on lawyers as the Lab personell don't get attached to the lawyers as they do the mice.
--------------------
What do you call 10,000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? Not even a good start.
|
|
|
|
comradebillyboy
Skeptic Friend
USA
188 Posts |
Posted - 08/14/2001 : 08:43:43 [Permalink]
|
bill clinton, dick cheney and george bush are driving across kansas when their car is picked uo by a tornado and lands in oz.
clinton gets out of the car and sees the yellow brick road and says "we are in oz." dick cheney says "let's find the wizard, maybe he will give me a heart." shrub says "let's find the wizard, maybe he will give me a brain." bill clinton says "where's dorothy?"
comrade billyboy
Edited by - comradebillyboy on 08/14/2001 08:45:56 |
|
|
|
NubiWan
Skeptic Friend
USA
424 Posts |
Posted - 08/14/2001 : 10:31:01 [Permalink]
|
G.W.Bush was very depressed that people were saying he is stupid. So he calls his good friend Queen Elizabeth, who says,
"Now George, what you need to do is to surround yourself with smart people. Let me show you."
She calls Tony Blair in and asks,
"Tony, your parents had a baby. It isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?"
Tony Blair replies, "It's me!"
So G.W. calls Dick Cheney and says,
"Dick, your parents had a baby. It isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?"
And Cheney says, "Wow, that's a tough one, big time. Let me get back to you."
So Cheney calls Colin Powell and says,
"Colin, your parents had a baby. It isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?"
And Colin Powell says, "It's me!"
So Cheney calls Bush and says,
"It's Colin Powell."
And laughing Bush says,
"No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"
"If we believe absurdities, we shall commit atrocities." -Voltaire
Edited by - NubiWan on 08/14/2001 10:35:01 |
|
|
|
NubiWan
Skeptic Friend
USA
424 Posts |
Posted - 08/14/2001 : 10:42:11 [Permalink]
|
It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted the butcher with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? He offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.
He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said,
"I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know," said the butcher with a smile,
"I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."
When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said,
"Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on HIS face!"
"If we believe absurdities, we shall commit atrocities." -Voltaire |
|
|
|
Zandermann
Skeptic Friend
USA
431 Posts |
Posted - 08/15/2001 : 19:06:25 [Permalink]
|
THE SPOON
(being a timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an organization)
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when the busboy brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket, then looked around the room and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"
"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Anderson Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that customers drop their spoons 73.84% more often than any other utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel is prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare spoon. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."
I was rather impressed.
The waiter served our main course and I continued to look around. I then noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had similar strings hanging from their flies. My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice. "Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom."
"How so?"
"See," he continued, "by tying this string to the tip of you-know-what, we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it
and that way eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%."
"Okay, that makes sense, but ... if the string helps you get it out, how do you put it back in?"
"Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."
|
|
|
|
NubiWan
Skeptic Friend
USA
424 Posts |
Posted - 08/15/2001 : 20:58:50 [Permalink]
|
Lame Alert !!!
A guy walking down the street suddenly turns to his friend and says
"Ive just lost an electron."
His mate says "Are you sure?"
He replies, "I'm positive!"
Once upon a time, there were three moles living together in a mole-hole, a Papa Mole, a Mama Mole, and a Baby Mole. One morning, the Papa Mole got up and stuck his head out of the mole-hole.
"Mmm..." he said, "I smell pancakes!"
The Mama Mole got up and stuck her head out of the mole-hole and said,
"Mmm.... I smell butter!"
The Baby Mole wanted to smell for himself, but he was much too short, but he took a whiff anyway and said,
"Mmmm.... I smell molasses!"
One day 2 carrots were walking down the street. They were the best of friends. Just as they started to step off the curb a car came speeding around the corner and ran one of them over. The unhurt carrot cradled his buddy, telling him over and over again that he would be OK.
Finally an ambulance arrived and rushed the injured carrot off to the hospital. His friend rode with him. Once at the hospital the uninjured carrot paced back and forth in the emergency room waiting to hear how his pal was going to be. After many hours of agonized waiting, the doctor came out.
He walked over to the distraught carrot and said
"I have good news, and I have bad news. The good news is that your friend is going to pull through. The bad news is that he'll be a vegetable for the rest of his life."
Once upon a time there was a community that was terrorised by friars selling flowers at gunpoint. They'd force people to buy flowers and the whole town was in an uproar,
"What do we do?"
So the town alcoholic suggested that his cousin Hugh could rectify the situation. Sure enough Hugh took care of the problem.
The moral of the story:
Hugh and only Hugh can prevent florist friars!
"If we believe absurdities, we shall commit atrocities." -Voltaire |
|
|
|
Snake
SFN Addict
USA
2511 Posts |
Posted - 08/15/2001 : 21:48:29 [Permalink]
|
quote:
G.W.Bush was very depressed that people were saying he is stupid. So he calls his good friend Queen Elizabeth, who says,
"Now George, what you need to do is to surround yourself with smart people. Let me show you."
She calls Tony Blair in and asks,
"Tony, your parents had a baby. It isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?"
Tony Blair replies, "It's me!"
So G.W. calls Dick Cheney and says,
"Dick, your parents had a baby. It isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?"
And Cheney says, "Wow, that's a tough one, big time. Let me get back to you."
So Cheney calls Colin Powell and says,
"Colin, your parents had a baby. It isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?"
And Colin Powell says, "It's me!"
So Cheney calls Bush and says,
"It's Colin Powell."
And laughing Bush says,
"No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"
ROFLOL, I'm borrowing that one to send to everyone. LOL.
Rap Crap is to music what Paint by Numbers is to art. |
|
|
|
theatheistknight
New Member
USA
13 Posts |
Posted - 08/16/2001 : 22:04:16 [Permalink]
|
Guy #1: "Boy, what a busy day. I was off killing, cheating on my wife, with the neighbors wife by the way, taking the Lord's name in vain, making graven images, and worshipping other gods. And today is the Sabbath day."
Guy #2: "Wow. You have been sinning all day."
Guy #1: "Damn right. Now I need to cool down."
Guy #2: "There's only one way to wash all those sins away."
Guy #1: "Oh yeah. How so?"
Guy #2: "With the Blood of Christ."
Guy #1: "Blood of Christ? Never heard of it."
Guy #2: "It's been around for years. Since we are natural born sinners, we work all day, sinning are butts off. Finally, there is something to wash those sins away. The Blood of Christ goes down smooth. Here have a taste."
Guy #1: "That is some good shit!"
Guy #2: "The best thing is, there are other flavors: Diet Blood of Christ, Caffine Free Blood of Christ, Blood of Christ One, and Cherry Blood Of Christ."
Guy #1: "Wow! Now I don't have to dread a day of sin. Thanks Blood of Christ!"
Just for the hell of it, Blood of Christ!
Richard J. Allen |
|
|
|
NubiWan
Skeptic Friend
USA
424 Posts |
Posted - 08/17/2001 : 09:21:51 [Permalink]
|
quote:
Just for the hell of it, Blood of Christ!
Richard J. Allen
Is this funny? Maybe its just me, but this seems like a lame bait job to me.  Stupid by its self, isn't funny, Richard, or would be laughing all the time.
"If we believe absurdities, we shall commit atrocities." -Voltaire |
|
|
|
Kristin
Skeptic Friend
Canada
84 Posts |
Posted - 08/17/2001 : 10:21:42 [Permalink]
|
Yeah, kind of an ironic humor, but makes a good point as to how some people excuse their own actions.
Good judgement comes from experience: experience comes from bad judgement. |
|
|
|
NubiWan
Skeptic Friend
USA
424 Posts |
Posted - 08/23/2001 : 19:11:18 [Permalink]
|
THE PERFECT BREAKFAST . . .
as a man sees it...
You're sitting at the table and your son is on the
cover of the box of Wheaties. Your mistress is on the
cover of Playboy. And your wife is on the back of the
milk carton.
"If we believe absurdities, we shall commit atrocities." -Voltaire |
|
|
|
NubiWan
Skeptic Friend
USA
424 Posts |
Posted - 08/23/2001 : 19:14:15 [Permalink]
|
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands
next to the barber chair, eating a snack cake, while her dad gets
his haircut.
The barber smiles at her and says,
"Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."
"I know," she replies. "I'm gonna get tits too."
"If we believe absurdities, we shall commit atrocities." -Voltaire |
|
|
 |
|
|
|
Topic Locked
